Monday, May 21, 2018


One of the best things about kids is how funny they can be. Comedy writer James Breakwell knows a lot about having daughters — he should, he has four of them under the age of 8. He tweets using the name @xplodingunicorn, and often uses Twitter to share the conversations he has with this kids, especially his 5-year-old (or, at least, one who is five at the time of the tweet — not always the same daughter, given the dates of the tweets. Maybe 5 is just the funniest age?). The tweets often go viral, because of how hilarious they are. Here's a sampling of some of the best ones:

Me: What did you do at school today?
5-year-old: Learned about dragons.
Me: Your class learned about dragons?
5: I learned about dragons. I don't know what everybody else was doing.

5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she's already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.

3-year-old: Do boys like Frozen?
5-year-old: Nobody cares what boys like.

5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation

5-year-old daughter: I think a boy likes me. He drew me a dinosaur.
Me: That could mean anything.
5: The dinosaur had a hat.
Oh shit.

[watching a guy on TV do CPR]
5-year-old: Why is he kissing her?
Me: He's not. He's saving her life.
5: I'd rather die.

Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.

5 y.o.: Why do people congratulate you when Mom is the one making the baby?
Me: I helped
5: How?
Me: I read her the instructions.

Me: Wake up. Time to get dressed.
5-year-old: Not again.

5-year-old: *won't get out of bed*
Me: I don't want to fight you every morning.
5: Then let me win.

5-year-old: Why can't dogs go to school?
Me: Dogs are animals.
5: They let in boys.

Me: It snowed last night.
5-year-old: *flops on the floor* We already did winter.

Me: You're still in your pajamas.
5-year-old: I'll get dressed soon.
Me: It's 4 in the afternoon.
5: Don't rush me.

Me: Why are you being mean?
5-year-old: I ran out of nice.
It's going to be a long night.

5-year-old: Can we have pizza?
Me: We just had pizza yesterday.
5: The pizza doesn't know that.

Me: Hurry.
5-year-old: I am.
Me: You're still in bed.
5: I'm sleeping faster.

5-year-old: Leprechauns are fairies.
Me: They are?
5: I thought you went to college.

5-year old: I'm not scared of monsters when I'm with you.
Me: Well, thanks.
5: They'll eat you first because you're fatter.

And from her older sister:

And from me: