(Reworked from my book, "Fishducky's Fables")
Once upon a time in a far away, long ago kingdom, Cinderella (a fairy tale name meaning “Beautiful face but big feet”) lived happily with her mother and father until her mother died of suffocation. Actually, Cinderella (during a bedside vigil) inadvertently stood on her mother's oxygen hose.
Cinderella's father married a cold, cruel woman who was a hell of a cook. She had two daughters, Pigface and the equally lovely Wartynose. When her father died, strangely enough of food poisoning, Cindy's wicked stepmother inherited the house and turned it into a restaurant and Cindy into a waitress and a virtual servant.
Meanwhile, across town in the castle, the king felt that his son, the prince, should find a suitable bride and provide him with a required number of grandchildren. He invited every eligible maiden in the kingdom to a fancy dress ball, where his son would be able to choose his bride. Cinderella had no suitable party dress for a ball, but her friends (the mice and the birds) lent a hand in making her one from fabric scraps they were able to find. True, the style was lovely and the fit perfect, but the dress was unwearable due to the large number of bird droppings on it. Piggy, Warty and Mommy Dearest each selected a designer gown from their large closets, had Cindy iron them, then called Uber and went to the ball. Cindy was left at home alone to do her chores and she thought to herself, “This sucks!”
It was at this time that a creature appeared surrounded by a ball of stars. When Cindy’s transition lenses adjusted to the sudden brightness, she saw that it was a fairy godmother. Never having seen her before, Cindy assumed that she was there to visit her stepmother and told her that Mommy Dearest and the girls had gone to the ball. Her fairy godmother said, “So what? I’m here to see you! Do you want to go to the ball, too?” Cindy said that she would love to go, but that she hadn’t a thing to wear. Her godmother asked, “Size 4, right?” and went back into the ball of stars, singing “Cinderelly. Cinderelly, Comb your hair and wash your belly”. She came out with a gorgeous floor length gown and a pair of glass Jimmy Choo slippers to die for. Cindy put on the outfit and felt like a princess, but then became sad again. She said, “I don’t have cab fare to get me to the ball.” Her fairy godmother said that news didn’t exactly come as a surprise and produced a Rolls Royce with a uniformed chauffeur. She said, “Knock ‘em dead, kiddo! I promised the prop department I’d get this stuff back to them by midnight, so come home early,” and she disappeared.
Cindy went to the ball and had a marvelous time. Nobody recognized her, because she had also washed her face, and she danced almost every dance with the prince. She didn’t realize how late it was getting and when she heard the clock begin to strike twelve, she ran out of the castle. She stumbled on the stairs and one of her size 16 EEEE glass slippers fell off. A guard found it later and brought it to the prince, who was frantic because Cindy had left so suddenly. He asked, “Sire, shall we search the kingdom for the damsel whose foot fits this shoe?” The prince said, “Forget it. I must have been drunk. Who would marry a woman with feet this size? Our kids would look like they were wearing snowshoes. Just dump it.”
Cindy went home and thanked her fairy godmother for a lovely evening. A couple of years later she said goodbye to Mommy Dearest, Piggy and Warty and moved to the Pacific Northwest where she discovered a tribe of Sasquatch (also known as Bigfoot), was made their queen and lived happily ever after.