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Wednesday, August 1, 2018

JAMES BREAKWELL; A FUNNY GUY WITH FUNNY KIDS


James Breakwell tweets under the name of XplodingUnicorn.  Following are examples of his June & July tweets this year.  I culled a lot of them out but it was hard to pick the best ones.  I think/hope you'll enjoy these:




  1. Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean. 8-year-old: Who's coming over? Me: No one. We're cleaning for us. 8: But we already know we live like this.
  2. 8-year-old: Do Vulcans ever get angry? Me: No. 8: They must not have sisters.
  3. 8-year-old: I can't wait to be an astronaut. Me: Why? 8: There's no mosquitoes in space.
  4. [as we all leave the house] 6-year-old: I want to stay home. Me: You can't watch yourself. 6: I'll use a mirror.
  5. Me: Did you know people only use half their brains? 6-year-old: Maybe boys.
  6. [walking to the car] 4-year-old: *stops to fix her shoe* Wait for me. 2-year-old: We can leave her.
  7. Me: Find your shoes. 4-year-old: They're gone forever. Me: Where did you look? 4: Nowhere. Good start.
  8. 6-year-old: Why don't girls grow beards? Me: They can't. 6: We can do anything we want.
  9. 6-year-old: I don’t like what you’re making for lunch. Me: I haven’t told you what I’m making for lunch. 6: You don’t have to.
  10. 6-year-old: I don't like our backyard. Me: Why not? 6: It's outside.
  11. 6-year-old: What's for dinner? Me: Chicken tacos. 6: What's for dinner next door? 
  12. Me: Be good. 8-year-old: That's too much work. 
  13. 2-year-old: The dog ate my toast! Me: How did he get it? 2: I gave it to him. 
  14. 4-year-old: *wakes me up standing six inches from my face* Is it time to get up yet? Me: No. 4: I'll stand here till it is. 
  15. [gets hit in the head by a ball] 4-year-old: Hey! That's where I keep my brain. 
  16. 8-year-old: Can we go swimming? Me: It's raining. 8: Are you worried we'll get wet? 
  17. 4-year-old: *carefully prepares to jump the six inches from the open van door to the ground* Me: Just jump. 4: There's no parachute. 
  18. Wife: *crying at a sad movie* 6-year-old: I hope your makeup doesn't fall off.
  19. 6-year-old: The rain stopped! The rain stopped! The rain stopped! Me: Do you want to play outside? 6: No. 
  20. 6-year-old: Why is it still raining?! Me: Do you have things to do outside? 6: No. I just like options.
  21. 2-year-old: I'm out of poop. Me: I'm sorry? 2: I'll make more soon. 
  22. [swimming] Me: What's wrong? 2-year-old: I'm wet.
  23. Me: Want to hang out? 6-year-old: I have plans. Me: To do what? 6: Not that.
  24. 4-year-old: *fills her pockets with rocks* Me: Why? 4: Someone left them on the ground. 
  25. 4-year-old: Can I be the first person on Mars? Me: You sure can. 4: *gets my car keys* I didn't mean right now. 
  26. 4-year-old: Can I have ice cream? Me: Why didn’t you finish your dinner? 4: Dinner wasn’t ice cream. Touché. 
  27. Me: Do you want to wear a dress? 4-year-old: No. Me: Shorts? 4: No. Me: Capris? 4: No. Me: Pants? 4: No. Me: There are no other options. 4: *goes back to bed*
  28. Me: *slices an apple* 4-year-old: No! Me: What? 4: Unslice it. I need Scotch Tape. Or just scotch. 


  29. I told my 6-year-old it was too much work to have a water balloon fight. She offered to split it with me: I'll fill them up, and she'll throw them at me. I better get my towel.
  30. Me: You’re four. You get four candles. 4-year-old: I get four cakes.
  31. [at the pool] Me: Do you think you could ever be a lifeguard? 6-year-old: I don't want to fight sharks. 
  32. [wearing her Supergirl costume] 2-year-old: I can fly! Me: Yeah. 2: But only down. Sounds like she's falling. With style.
  33. Me: Where do you want to go for your birthday? 3-year-old: Cancun. Me: I was thinking more like McDonald's. 
  34. [finishes her milk] 3-year-old: I’M THE BEST AT DRINKING. She’ll be fun in college. 




















----fishducky