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Friday, August 17, 2018

YESTERDAY WAS NATIONAL TELL A JOKE DAY


Here are some bad jokes I found on Twitter:



How many editors does it take to change a lightbulb? Too.
21 replies269 retweets1,053 likes
Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar... You can't tell me that's just a coincidence.
22 replies459 retweets1,810 likes
Why did Adele cross the road? To say hello from the other side
11 replies211 retweets803 likes
Why do Norwegian ships have barcodes on them? So when they return to port they can Scandinavian.
14 replies196 retweets830 likes
I joined a gym so that I could learn to do the splits. The instructor asked, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't do Tuesdays and Thursdays." 😂😆🤣
8 replies88 retweets593 likes
What does the pirate say on his 80th birthday? "Aye, matey."
15 replies168 retweets700 likes
Have you heard the news about corduroy pillows? They’re making headlines!
34 replies121 retweets580 likes
A man was arrested and taken to an interrogation room He says to the police officer “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present” “You are the lawyer” says the policeman “Exactly, so where’s my present?”
19 replies158 retweets1,152 likes
What was Beethoven's favourite fruit? Ba-na-na-naaaaa! 🍌
13 replies147 retweets462 likes
A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm, and says “Pint please, and one for the road.”
6 replies40 retweets214 likes
Do you know how to catch a unique rabbit? U nique up on him...
14 replies86 retweets316 likes
Play
Dogs can't do X-Rays... ...But Cats can.

And here are my two favorite jokes:

Sadie & Molly, two old friends who haven’t seen each other in years, meet on the street.  Their conversation goes like this:        
SADIE: Molly, it’s so good to see you again!  How are you & your family?
MOLLY: I’m just fine, thank you.  My husband retired & his company gave him a million dollar bonus.  We’ve been travelling around the world!!
S: Fantastic!!  And what about your son?
M: He became a doctor.  He’s now Chief of Staff at Johns Hopkins.
S: Fantastic!!  And your daughter, how’s she doing?
M: She married a lovely man.  He’s rich, so they live in a mansion & she has a live-in staff to take care of her every whim.
S: Fantastic!!
M: But enough about me—what have you been doing?
S: I went to charm school.
M: You went to charm school?  What did they teach you?
S: You know how I used to say “bullshit” all the time? They taught me to say “fantastic” instead!!
-------------------------------
Poachers in Africa opened a restaurant.  Their come on was: “We make sandwiches from any African animal!!  If we can’t make your sandwich, we’ll pay you $10,000.00!!”   Business was booming for months.  They sold sandwiches made of ground zebra, lion pot roast, leg of hippo, etc.  One day the waiter tries to place an order with the cook.  Together, they sadly go to the manager & tell him that he’s going to have to pay the $10,000.00.  He asks why & they tell him that a customer just ordered an elephant ball sandwich on rye.  He tells them that’s no problem; a new shipment of elephant balls just came in.  The cook says, “I know that!!  The problem is, we’re out of rye bread!!”