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Wednesday, August 22, 2018

OK, SO YOU TALK TO ANIMALS, BUT DO THEY TALK BACK?



To hear what a talking monkey would actually sound like,


Below are some videos of talking animals
and/or people talking to their animals.
I've run some of them before
but I still think they're funny:










This dog sings & accompanies himself on the piano:





If I could talk to the animals, just imagine it

Chattin' with a chimp in chimpanzee

Imagine talking to a tiger, chatting with a cheetah

What a neat achievement it would be
If we could talk to the animals, learn all their languages

I could take an animal degree

I'd study elephant and eagle, buffalo and beagle

Alligator, guinea pig, and flea
I would converse in polar bear and python

And I would curse in fluent kangaroo

If people ask me, "Can you speak rhinoceros?"

I'd say, "Of course, can't you?"
If I conferred with our furry friends, man to animal

Think of the amazing repartee

If I could walk with the animals, talk with the animals

Grunt and squeak and squawk with the animals

And they could talk to me
If I consulted with quadrupeds

Think what fun we'd have asking over crocodiles for tea

Or maybe lunch with two or three lions, walruses and sea lions

What a lovely place the world would be
If I spoke slang to orangutans

The advantages why any fool on earth could plainly see

Discussing Eastern art and dramas with intellectual llamas

That's a big step forward you'll agree
I'd learn to speak in antelope and turtle

And my Pekingese would be extremely good

If I were asked to sing in hippopotamus

I'd say, "Why not a [unverified] and I would"
If I could parlay with pachyderms

It's a fairy tale worthy of Hans Anderson and Grimm

A man who walks with the animals and talks with the animals

Grunts and squeaks and squawks with the animals

And they could talk to him
Let me hear 'em talk
I'd study every creature's language

So I could speak to all of them on site

If friends said, "Can he talk in crab or maybe pelican?"

You'd say, "I canny can't and you'd be right"
And if you just stop and think of it ain't no doubt of it

I'm gonna win a place in history

If I could walk with the animals, talk with the animals

Grunt, squeak, squawk with the animals

And they could squeak and squawk and speak and talk to me
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A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale.'

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there.


"You talk?" he asks.


"Yep" the Lab replies.


After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says, "So, what's your story?"


The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping, I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running... but the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."


The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.


"Ten dollars" the guy says.


"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on Earth are you selling him so cheap?"


"Because he's a liar. He's never been out of the yard."
------------------------------------
A dog walks into a bar and hops up on a stool. He looks the bartender in the eye and says, "Hey, guess what? I can talk. Have you ever seen a talking dog before? How about a drink?"

The bartender thinks for a moment and says, "Sure, the toilet's right around the corner."
------------------------------------------------ 
A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender if he'll give him a free beer for an amazing trick. The bartender agrees. The guy pulls out a hamster that begins dancing and singing.

"That is amazing!" says the bartender and gives him a beer.

"If I show you something else, will you give me another beer?" The bartender agrees.

The guy pulls out a small piano and a frog. The same hamster plays the piano while the frog dances and sings.

The bartender, completely wowed, gives him another beer.

A man in a suit, who's been watching the entire time, offers to buy the frog for a large sum, and the man agrees.

"Are you nuts?" asks the bartender. "You could've made a fortune off that frog."

"Can you keep a secret?" asks the man. "The hamster's a ventriloquist."


















Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of the dog, it’s too dark to read----Groucho Marx (& fishducky)