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Wednesday, February 27, 2019

IGNATZ THE IGNOBLE





We have a friend/acquaintance that is beyond belief.  I will refer to him as Ignatz.  That is not his real name.  (Is that anyone's real name?)  I'm not sure where we met him--he may have been a client of one of Bud's associates.  I know it's not nice to make fun of people, but I couldn't stand being alone with him for more that five minutes.  He means well, but he talked incessantly.  He would drive me nuts!!

The first time he came to our home he used the back door.  He always used the back door after that; he refused to come to the front.

Ignatz lives in Malibu, among the stars.  The only difference with his house & theirs is that his is not beautifully kept up & that he raises chickens.  He is friendly with many of them--the stars, not the chickens.  He goes jogging with Sylvester Stallone, among others.  He's now a Hollywood producer & has even made a film with Steven Spielberg.  His house used to be in our name for tax purposes & he made payments to us on it.  He was always late & Bud would have to call & tell him to make the payment.  Bud, who was not normally a yeller, would scream on the phone at him until his face literally turned red.  I was scared that he would have a heart attack.  I'm so glad he finally paid off the house!!

To his credit, he was extremely generous.  He got all of my kids surfboards.  He gave Bud a very expensive set of golf clubs.  I don't know where he got it, but he kept our freezer stocked with prime beef, veal & poultry.  He came over once while we were in the kitchen watching TV.  Bud was on the phone while some program about horses was on.  Ignatz asked me if I liked horses & I told him I did.  He asked if I wanted one & I had a vision of a horse butchered & neatly wrapped in packages labelled "hamburger", "rib roast", etc.  I told him thank you, but no!!  He used to bring us turkeys & hams for our holiday dinners.  He always promised to bring them a week or so ahead of time, but he rarely did.  One year Ignatz was so late that we went & bought our own. When he did deliver them, Bud refused to accept them.  Ignatz begged & pleaded until Bud finally agreed to take them, probably just to shut him up.  Listening to him talk was like listening to machine gun fire.

At that time, Nameless had a dog named Fio, short for Fiorina, "Little Flower" in Italian.  She loved everybody--except Ignatz.  She was in our backyard one day while we were out.  Ignatz tried to leave an envelope at our back door & she wouldn't let him in the yard.  He got to the back door slowly, pausing after each step to let Fio calm down.  He said it took him half an hour to get from the gate to the door.  He got back to the gate in less than a minute.  He referred to our sweet, sweet Fio as "The dog from hell"!!


We were once on a special diet & he wanted us to try out a new kind of bread.  We told him we couldn't because of the diet.  He assured us it would be fine, because it was made "with absolutely no ingredients"!!
















Are you a cog in life or a slipped disk?----fishducky

 




Monday, February 25, 2019

WOODEN KIDS & TALKING FISH


Though this is Monday, it's the end of fairy tale week  This is my blog and my calendar.  Deal with it!!  (From my book, "Fishducky's Fables", with new cartoons.)


Many years ago there lived a woodcarver whose name was Gepetto.  He lived alone, sort of.  There were no other humans in his home, but he had a cat, Figaro, and a goldfish, Clio, both of whom could talk.  (Ed. Note: I don’t understand that part, either.)  Still, he was lonely and longed for a son.  He carved a computer since the modern style ones weren’t available at that time and went to several online dating services in search of a woman that he could fall in love with and marry and who would bear his children.

Unfortunately, the dating service/wife/mother idea didn’t pan out, so he scratched his head (he had an irritating skin condition, caused by the sap that was always on his hands and not washing properly) and thought, “I’m a good woodcarver.  I’ll make my own boy!”  He found a good sized piece of Select Grade pine lumber in his workshop and carved a full sized replica of a teenage boy.  He named him “Pinocchio”, which is “Pine Eye” in Italian.

How he loved that hunk of wood!!  He thought of him as his real son.  He was too heavy for the man to carry, so he put him in a wagon and took him everywhere he went.  One day his fairy godmother appeared before him and said, “Yo, Gepetto!!  Nice log you got there, but how come you schlep it everywhere?”  “His name is Pinocchio,” answered the woodcarver, “And he’s my son!”   “Yeah, whatever,” said the fairy godmother, “But you’re getting a little long in the tooth, there.  Wouldn’t it be easier if he were real so he could walk by himself?”  “If that could only be,” said Gepetto.  She told him that, for a nominal fee, she could make it happen.  He agreed, and Pinocchio came to life.

Pinocchio looked just like his father, except for a nose that you could use for a ski slope.  He was a normal, average teenage boy.  By that, I mean he drove Gepetto up the wall!!  Once, he even ran away from home and got turned into a donkey; you know, the regular growing boy stuff.  When Gepetto brought him back home, Pinocchio begged his dad for a baby brother.  He said he was lonesome, but I think he just wanted someone to boss around.

Gepetto had his own idea for Pinocchio’s little brother.  He wanted someone who would support him in his old age.  He contacted his fairy godmother, who was still in business, and made a new deal with her (for another nominal fee, of course).  He carved a little figure, which he put in a box.  He attached a spring, which was connected to a crank on the side of the box.  Pinocchio turned the crank and the figure, whom Gepetto had named “Jack”, popped up and asked, “Do you want fries with that?”  Jack, who dearly loved his father and brother, grew up to open a large number of successful fast food restaurants and happily provided his family with a very lavish lifestyle.

The original cartoons:


















The new cartoons:














I’m out of my mind right now, but feel free to leave a message.  I’ll get back to you as soon as I can----fishducky

 



Friday, February 22, 2019

BREATHE RIGHT NASAL STRIPS TO THE RESCUE!!





It's still fairy tale week.   It's my blog; I can make weeks as long as I want.  (From my book, "Fishducky's Fables", with new cartoons)!!


The true story of Sleeping Beauty:

In a faraway land, long ago, lived a king, Billy Bob, and his fair queen, Lolita.  For many years they had longed for a child and finally their wish was granted.  A daughter was born, and they called her Gertrude, because, for whatever reason, they liked the name.  They proclaimed a great holiday throughout the kingdom so that all might pay homage to the infant princess.

Among King Billy Bob and Queen Lolita’s guests were their friends, King Hubert and Queen Agatha, from the kingdom next door.  The four wanted to unite their kingdoms by the future marriage of their children, Princess Gertrude and Prince Charming.  They also received three good fairies as their guests; Larry, Moe and Curly.  They had promised to give one gift each to the newborn princess.  Larry gave her beauty, Moe gave her the gift of song and Curly was about to throw a cream pie in her face when an evil demon appeared.  He was very angry because he had not received an invitation and he said, “The princess shall indeed grow in grace and beauty, beloved by all who know her.  But before the sun sets on her sixteenth birthday, she shall prick her finger on a pair of manicure scissors and die.”

Everybody was aghast, but the third fairy had not yet given her a gift, so he 86’ed the cream pie thing and tried to ease, as much as he could, the curse of the demon.  The princess would sleep instead of dying, and the curse would be broken with the first true love’s kiss to the princess.  King Billy Bob, for extra insurance, decreed that every pair of scissors or knife of any kind in the kingdom shall be destroyed.  And so it happened.

Nevertheless, the three good fairies feared that the decree would not stop the demon from accomplishing his revenge, and so they offered to raise Gertie in their condo in the suburbs until the age of sixteen, when the curse would be over.  At that time, they would take her back to the castle to be reunited with her parents.  The king and the queen accepted this plan, but they were heartbroken.  Many sad years and ragged cuticles passed for King Billy Bob and his people.  Hair grew so long that people had difficulty seeing.  (The people who manufactured Scrunchies, however, were delighted with this royal order.)  Bushes and formerly beautifully manicured lawns began to take on a jungle-like appearance.  But as the time for the princess' sixteenth birthday drew near, the entire kingdom began to rejoice.  Everyone knew that as long as the demon’s domain thundered with his wrath and frustration, his evil prophecy had not yet been fulfilled.

Gertie grew up without knowing that she was the daughter of a king and a queen, but she was very happy with the life that the fairies had given her.  One day, the fairies were planning a party for the princess because her sixteenth birthday was approaching, and Gertie was picking some berries in a field.  It was there that she met a young man.  Even though they could not see each other because of the long hair hanging over their faces, they fell in love immediately.  They agreed to meet at her cottage later and she came back home.  When she arrived at the cottage, she told the fairies about the young man she had just met, and they told her the story of her birth and the curse, as well as her future marriage to Prince Charming, which made her cry because she didn’t want to get married to someone she did not love.

That afternoon, Prince Charming announced to his father that he had decided to get married to a peasant girl he had just met instead of Princess Gertrude.  He didn’t know that they were the same person!

Just before sunset, Gertie arrived at the castle for the party and when she was alone in her new bedroom, she went to touch up her lipstick.  The demon had magically placed a pair of manicure scissors in her cosmetics bag and, due to her reduced eyesight (all that hair over her face), she accidentally touched the tip and nighty-night!

The three fairies placed her on a bed in the tower and caused the whole kingdom to sleep until the spell was broken because they didn’t want the king and queen to find out that their daughter had fallen under the curse of the demon.  The fairies got Prince Charming, told him what was happening and brought him inside the castle and up to the tower, where Gertie was lying on her bed, snoring loudly.  Charming slowly walked up to her and gave her a faint kiss where he assumed her lips were.  She woke up, pulled her hair out of her face, saw Charming and smiled.  She said, “Would you mind hitting the snooze button on the alarm?  I just need ten more minutes!”


Everyone in the kingdom awakened, too, and soon Princess Gertrude and Prince Charming appeared arm in arm, walking down the stairs.  Now that there was no longer a need for a ban on scissors in the kingdom, SuperCuts opened several franchises there and made a fortune.  Everyone in the kingdom contributed to a fund to buy a lifetime supply of Breathe Right Nasal Strips for Princess Gertrude so that she and Prince Charming could live happily ever after, which, of course, they did.


The original cartoons:





















The new cartoons:












If you were the last person on earth, would you rate yourself as interesting & entertaining, boring or just average?----fishducky