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Wednesday, January 16, 2019

NO CHILDREN WERE HARMED IN THE WRITING OF THIS POST




Thank you for giving me this opportunity to brag tell you about my daughter, Nameless.  I can do that without fear of editing hurting your feelings since this is my post.  Nameless almost had her own career in show biz, like her mother.  She was a month or two old when she was selected to portray a baby (type casting) in “Bonanza” but she was too young to be covered by their insurance.  In the 1935 movie “Carnival” I was the adorable baby that Lucille Ball (in the uncredited role of a nurse) held in her arms while everybody went “AAWWW!”  That was my entire career.  I believe Lucille Ball went further.

First, I should tell you what (I believe) made Nameless the genius that she is today.  When she was a few months old, I accidentally dropped her on her head.  (TRUE)  I believe this shook her brains into proper alignment.  She is at MENSA level, & do you know, she hasn’t thanked me to this day!  She began talking very early--& hasn’t stopped yet.  When she was 13 months old, my husband took her to a family Thanksgiving dinner while I stayed home sick in bed.  I was watching a TV show about children learning to talk & I started making a list of all the words Nameless knew.  I got to 100 when I realized I could probably double that.  True, she couldn’t pronounce all of them correctly--chicken noodle soup was “hickey noonoo hoop”--but she was quite verbal.

Words were like toys to her.  She loved them.  We had this routine; I would ask her these questions & she’d answer.  When she was 2, we went to the pediatrician & did our routine for the nurse:  “What do you call a doctor who takes care of children?”  “Pediatrician.”  “Who’s the doctor that takes care of animals?”  “Veterinarian.”  “Who’s the scientist who knows all about fish?”  “Ichthyologist.”  When the doctor came in, the nurse asked Nameless the questions so he could hear her answers.  He grabbed her up & ran out of the room.  When he returned I asked him where he had taken her--& why.  He told me that his friend (another pediatrician) was waiting in his office to go to lunch with him.  He took Nameless through her routine & then said to the other doctor, “See what MY patients can do!!”

When Nameless was about 3, she wanted to learn to read.  In fact, she insisted on it!!  I didn't know how to teach her so I called UCLA & hired a tutor through them.  She loved her tutor & the lessons & by kindergarten she was reading at about a fourth grade level.  She became a voracious reader & to this day she still is.

The one time I wished she weren't so smart:  She was just under 2, I think.  She was in the car with me & we were driving through Beverly Hills.  I drove through an amber light & was pulled over by a cop.  He said I had run a red light.  I said, "No, I didn't; it was amber."  She piped up from the backseat, "Yes, you did, Mommy.  It was red!!"  The policeman believed her & I got the ticket.  I wonder if this was payback for dropping her on her head?

Nameless must have been about 6 or 7 when she was helping me clear the table after dinner.  She saw me slide the crumbs off the table with one hand & catch them in the other hand.  She slid the crumbs off her side of the table with one hand.  I guess she didn't see my other hand, under the table, catching the crumbs.  She slid her crumbs right onto the floor.

One more quick story about our pediatrician:  When he was checking our second child, Matt, right after his birth, he was looking at his fingers & toes & I heard him counting softly, 1,2,3,4,5, 1,2,3,4,5, etc.  I asked him why he was doing that.  He said that a few months before he was checking another newborn & counted 1,2,3,4,5, 1,2,3,4,5, 1,2,3,4,5, 1,2,3,4,5,6!!  He counted again; no mistake.  The child had 6 toes on his left foot.  He hesitantly told the mother, who laughed & said, “Isn’t that cute, just like his daddy!!”
















Sometimes I feel like my life is a foreign film with no subtitles.  I just keep nodding, smiling & thinking WTF----fishducky