Many years ago there lived a woodcarver whose name was Gepetto. He lived alone, sort of. There were no other humans in his home, but he had a cat, Figaro, and a goldfish, Clio, both of whom could talk. (Ed. Note: I don’t understand that part, either.) Still, he was lonely and longed for a son. He carved a computer since the modern style ones weren’t available at that time and went to several online dating services in search of a woman that he could fall in love with and marry and who would bear his children.
Unfortunately, the dating service/wife/mother idea didn’t pan out, so he scratched his head (he had an irritating skin condition, caused by the sap that was always on his hands and not washing properly) and thought, “I’m a good woodcarver. I’ll make my own boy!” He found a good sized piece of Select Grade pine lumber in his workshop and carved a full sized replica of a teenage boy. He named him “Pinocchio”, which is “Pine Eye” in Italian.
How he loved that hunk of wood!! He thought of him as his real son. He was too heavy for the man to carry, so he put him in a wagon and took him everywhere he went. One day his fairy godmother appeared before him and said, “Yo, Gepetto!! Nice log you got there, but how come you schlep it everywhere?” “His name is Pinocchio,” answered the woodcarver, “And he’s my son!” “Yeah, whatever,” said the fairy godmother, “But you’re getting a little long in the tooth, there. Wouldn’t it be easier if he were real so he could walk by himself?” “If that could only be,” said Gepetto. She told him that, for a nominal fee, she could make it happen. He agreed, and Pinocchio came to life.
Pinocchio looked just like his father, except for a nose that you could use for a ski slope. He was a normal, average teenage boy. By that, I mean he drove Gepetto up the wall!! Once, he even ran away from home and got turned into a donkey; you know, the regular growing boy stuff. When Gepetto brought him back home, Pinocchio begged his dad for a baby brother. He said he was lonesome, but I think he just wanted someone to boss around.
Gepetto had his own idea for Pinocchio’s little brother. He wanted someone who would support him in his old age. He contacted his fairy godmother, who was still in business, and made a new deal with her (for another nominal fee, of course). He carved a little figure, which he put in a box. He attached a spring, which was connected to a crank on the side of the box. Pinocchio turned the crank and the figure, whom Gepetto had named “Jack”, popped up and asked, “Do you want fries with that?” Jack, who dearly loved his father and brother, grew up to open a large number of successful fast food restaurants and happily provided his family with a very lavish lifestyle.