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Wednesday, March 20, 2019

MY FAVORITE JOKES (& SOME ONE LINERS I FOUND ONLINE)



I didn't really feel like writing a post today but I wanted to make you laugh anyway so here are my three favorite jokes (& some others).  

MY #1 ALL TIME FAVORITE:

Poachers in Africa opened a restaurant.  Their come on was: “We make sandwiches from ANY African animal!  If we can’t make your sandwich, we’ll pay you $10,000.00!!”   Business was booming for months.  They sold sandwiches made of ground zebra, lion pot roast, leg of hippo, etc. 

One day the waiter tries to place an order with the cook.  Together, they sadly go to the manager & tell him that he’s going to have to pay the $10,000.00.  He asks why & they tell him that a customer just ordered an elephant ball sandwich on rye.  

He tells them that’s no problem—a new shipment of elephant balls just came in.  The cook says, “I know that!  The problem is, we’re out of rye bread!!”

MY 2nd FAVORITE:

Sadie & Molly, two old friends who haven’t seen each other in years, meet on the street.  Their conversation goes like this:  

        
SADIE: Molly, it’s so good to see you again!  How are you & your family?
MOLLY: I’m just fine, thank you.  My husband retired & his company gave him a million dollar bonus.  We’ve been travelling around the world!!
S: Fantastic!!  And what about your son?
M: He became a doctor.  He’s now Chief of Staff at Johns Hopkins.
S: Fantastic!!  And your daughter, how’s she doing?
M: She married a lovely man.  He’s rich, so they live in a mansion & she has a live-in staff to take care of her every whim.
S: Fantastic!!
M: But enough about me—what have you been doing?
S: I went to charm school.
M: You went to charm school?  What did they teach you?
S: You know how I used to say “bullshit” all the time?  They taught me to say “fantastic” instead!!

AND THE 3rd:

A guy is driving around the back woods and he sees a sign in front of a broken down, shanty-style house: "Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says "So, what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.
"I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.
"I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
"Ten dollars," the guy says.
"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap??"
"Because the dog's a damn liar. He never did any of that shit."


Those jokes were long.  How about some one liners:

I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.

Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help check her balance. So I pushed her over.

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.

My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.

I'm so good at sleeping. I can do it with my eyes closed.

My boss told me to have a good day so I went home.

A woman walks into a library and asked if they had any books about paranoia. The librarian says "They're right behind you!"

The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.

Why do blind people hate skydiving? It scares the hell out of their dogs.

My friend says to me: "What rhymes with orange" I said: "No it doesn't."

My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.

I couldn't figure out why the baseball kept getting larger. Then it hit me.

I ate a clock yesterday, it was very time consuming.

A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a chair.

I know a lot of jokes about unemployed people but none of them work.

Parallel lines have so much in common. It’s a shame they’ll never meet.

As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden. The plot thickens.

And the lord said unto John, "Come forth and you will receive eternal life". John came fifth and won a toaster.


























----fishducky