Monday, May 6, 2019


A friend told me this story:

During my brother's wedding, my mother managed to keep from crying---until she glanced at my grandparents.  My grandmother had reached over to my grandfather's wheelchair and gently touched his hand.  That was all it took to start my mother's tears flowing.  After the wedding, Mom went over to my grandmother and told her how that tender gesture triggered her outburst.  "Well, I'm sorry to ruin your moment," my grandmother replied, "But I was just checking his pulse." 

A woman's husband dies. He had left $100,000 to be used for an elaborate funeral. After everything is done at the funeral home and cemetery, she tells her closest friend that "there is absolutely nothing left from the $100,000."The friend asks, "It was a lovely funeral, but how can that be?" The widow says, "Well, the funeral cost was $16,500. And of course I made a donation to the church. That was $1,000, and I spent another $1,000 for the wake, food and drinks. The rest went for the memorial stone. The friend says, "$82,500 for the memorial stone? My God, how big is it?"  The widow says, "Four and a half carats."

Q--How do older men exercise on the beach?
A--By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office.  "Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"  "Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her. There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied,  "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked  'NO REFILLS'!"

Q--How many rich older men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A--ONE.   He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.

A little girl is sitting on her grandpa's lap and studying the wrinkles on his old face. She gets up the nerve to rub her fingers over the wrinkles.  Then she touches her own face and looks more puzzled.  Finally the little girl asks, "Grandpa, did God make you?"  "He sure did honey, a long time ago," replies her grandpa.  "Well, did God make me?" asks the little girl.  "Yes, He did, and that wasn't too long ago," answers her grandpa.  "Boy," says the little girl, "He's sure doing a lot better job these days, isn't He?"

Q-- How do older men define a "50/50" relationship?
A--She cooks, I eat; she cleans, I dirty; she irons, I wrinkle.

An old woman came into a bar & asked the bartender for a drink. Then she started to yell, "Yeah, yeah, yeah!" Five more seniors came in & started to do the same thing.  One of them had a “Barney” jigsaw puzzle. The bartender asked them, "Why are you all yelling 'Yeah, yeah, yeah!'?" They explained, "We’re here to celebrate!  We’re proud of ourselves, sonny--we did this puzzle in three hours & it says 2-3 years!"

Q--What's the best way to force an older man to do sit ups?
A--Put the remote control between his toes.

Lying on his deathbed, the wealthy Mr. Smith was instructing his attorney on last-minute changes in his will.  “I wish to leave everything I own, all stocks, bonds, property, art, & money, to my wife. However, there is one stipulation.”  “And that is?”  “In order to inherit, she must marry within six months of my death.”  The lawyer seemed puzzled. “Why make such an unusual request?”  Mr. Smith answered, “Because I want someone to be sorry I died.”

Q-- What's the smartest thing an older man can say?
A--"My wife says..."

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful & very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal & charm & who hangs over Bob's arm & listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him & ask, "Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?" Bob replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!" They are knocked over, but continue to ask. "So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?"  "I lied about my age," Bob replies. "What, did you tell her you were only 50?" Bob smiles & says, "No, I told her I was 90."

Q--Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for old men than for old women?
A--When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.

A few days before her birthday a rich older husband asked his young trophy wife, “Honey, what would you like for your present?”
Wife: I really don’t think I should say.
Husband: How about a diamond ring?
Wife: I already have plenty of diamonds.
Husband: Well, then, a mink coat?
Wife: You know I don’t like furs.
Husband: A new car?
Wife: I love the one I already have.
Husband: Well, gosh, what do you want?
Wife: What I’d really like is a divorce.
Husband: To tell you the truth, I wasn’t planning on spending that much!!

We are always the same age inside----Gertrude Stein

The older you get, the better you think you were----fishducky