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Monday, May 21, 2018

A FUNNY 5 YEAR OLD (& HER SISTERS)

One of the best things about kids is how funny they can be. Comedy writer James Breakwell knows a lot about having daughters — he should, he has four of them under the age of 8. He tweets using the name @xplodingunicorn, and often uses Twitter to share the conversations he has with this kids, especially his 5-year-old (or, at least, one who is five at the time of the tweet — not always the same daughter, given the dates of the tweets. Maybe 5 is just the funniest age?). The tweets often go viral, because of how hilarious they are. Here's a sampling of some of the best ones:


Me: What did you do at school today?
5-year-old: Learned about dragons.
Me: Your class learned about dragons?
5: I learned about dragons. I don't know what everybody else was doing.

5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she's already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.

3-year-old: Do boys like Frozen?
5-year-old: Nobody cares what boys like.

5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation

5-year-old daughter: I think a boy likes me. He drew me a dinosaur.
Me: That could mean anything.
5: The dinosaur had a hat.
Oh shit.

[watching a guy on TV do CPR]
5-year-old: Why is he kissing her?
Me: He's not. He's saving her life.
5: I'd rather die.

Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.

5 y.o.: Why do people congratulate you when Mom is the one making the baby?
Me: I helped
5: How?
Me: I read her the instructions.

Me: Wake up. Time to get dressed.
5-year-old: Not again.

5-year-old: *won't get out of bed*
Me: I don't want to fight you every morning.
5: Then let me win.

5-year-old: Why can't dogs go to school?
Me: Dogs are animals.
5: They let in boys.

Me: It snowed last night.
5-year-old: *flops on the floor* We already did winter.

Me: You're still in your pajamas.
5-year-old: I'll get dressed soon.
Me: It's 4 in the afternoon.
5: Don't rush me.

Me: Why are you being mean?
5-year-old: I ran out of nice.
It's going to be a long night.

5-year-old: Can we have pizza?
Me: We just had pizza yesterday.
5: The pizza doesn't know that.

Me: Hurry.
5-year-old: I am.
Me: You're still in bed.
5: I'm sleeping faster.

5-year-old: Leprechauns are fairies.
Me: They are?
5: I thought you went to college.


5-year old: I'm not scared of monsters when I'm with you.
Me: Well, thanks.
5: They'll eat you first because you're fatter.

And from her older sister:

And from me:












 




Friday, May 18, 2018

HOW THE SKUNK GOT ITS SMELL





Long, long ago (even before your narrator was born) God created skunks.  He created a lot of other animals, too, but this story is about skunks.

“What pretty little things they are,” God thought, “Surely they don’t need a defense mechanism.  I gave elephants their size. I gave many other animals speed & sharp teeth to defend themselves.  I even gave the delicate butterfly flight.  But no one would ever want to harm the precious little skunk.”

Wrong!!

Other animals found them to be delicious.  And fashion conscious women loved the black & white striped fur coats furriers made out of them.

One day at the skunk meeting hall they discussed this problem.  What could they do?  They needed to find an answer quickly before the species was extinct!!  It was suggested they go on a diet of onions & garlic so their breath would ward off predators.  That didn’t work because mountain people found that it just gave extra flavor to their skunk stew.  They needed something more powerful.

Then Sammy Skunk came up with a brilliant idea; chili!!

Have you ever noticed that you never see skunks at night?  It’s because now they’re all in the forest cooking & eating big pots of delicious 5-star ass kickin’ chili & beans, which gave them SUPER FARTS!!  Washing it down with a few beers added that special little something.  Those farts could keep a gorilla at bay.  (This, of course, was not necessary because gorillas are vegetarians, but you know what I mean.)

Other animals soon learned to avoid skunks & women stopped wearing skunk fur because furriers refused to make them.  Who would want their furs and/or furriers to smell like chili farts?






















Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to take a shower----fishducky

 


Wednesday, May 16, 2018

$85 MILLION APARTMENT COMES WITH ROLLS-ROYCES, A TRIP TO SPACE







( JoeH had the headline for this article in his Stupid Headlines Sunday post.  I was fascinated by it.  Here is the complete story by Christopher Cameron of the New York Post.)



·With an asking price of $85 million, the 15,000-square-foot duplex penthouse at the Atel
With an asking price of $85 million, the 15,000-square-foot duplex penthouse at the Atelier — located at 635 W. 42nd St., near less-than-glam 12th Avenue — costs $5,666 per square foot. That’s nearly double the record for the Hell’s Kitchen neighborhood. But what’s really mind-boggling are all the over-the-top extras that come with the place (which, by the way, boasts Hudson River views but no outdoor space).
Among them: two Rolls-Royce Phantoms — a hardtop and a convertible — as well as a Lamborghini Aventador roadster. There is also a $1 million, 75-foot yacht, with five years of docking fees on the Hudson, plus a summer stay in a Watermill mansion that rents for $350,000 a season.

But wait, there’s more: a year’s worth of weekly dinners for two at Daniel Boulud’s 65th Street flagship, a pair of courtside season tickets to the Brooklyn Nets (valued at around $225,000), and a year of services from a live-in butler and a private chef. The kicker is out of this world: two $250,000 seats on a Virgin Galactic space flight.
So what gives?
Penthouse owner Daniel Neiditch, who is also the building manager of the Atelier and the president of the building’s condo board, is the man behind the marketing. And the 39-year-old property investor, who owns the brokerage firm River 2 River Realty, says it’s all about the chance for a lucky buyer to live their own lavish life.
“Someone not from New York can [move here and] have a New Yorker’s lifestyle and point of view,” said lifelong New Yorker Neiditch, who previously lived in the building. “In a way, I’m offering my lifestyle. I’m offering a way for a foreigner to jump right in.”
“Going to outer space was always a dream of mine,” added Neiditch. And, in fact, the courtside seats, cars, Hamptons house, butler and yacht are all his own — and he insists he has enough to go around.

“It’s not like I’m going to be out on the street. I have another Hamptons house. I have other cars,” Neiditch said, adding: “It’s not that I am selling stuff that I don’t want. It’s all stuff that I thought created a nice package.”
Other real-estate insiders are skeptical of the whole thing, especially given the fact that the penthouse has been on the market for five years already and Neiditch hasn’t adjusted the ask.
“People only pile up giveaways when they won’t reduce the price. It has never made a lot of sense to me,” a top Manhattan broker said. “You are millions of dollars overpriced and you think throwing in a $250,000 car is going to make it better?”
Manhattan broker Ryan Serhant, who also stars on the series “Million Dollar Listing New York” on Bravo, said that while luxe incentives are unusual in New York, that’s not the case in markets like Los Angeles, where homeowners have more space to sprawl.

“If you have a house with a helipad and it comes with a helicopter, that makes sense,” he said. “But in New York you have to ask: Where are you going to park a car and when are you ever going to use it?”
While Neiditch says he will pay any taxes associated with the transfer of his lavish playthings — which are worth around $5 million all told — he will not allow the buyer to deduct the items’ value from the asking price even if they don’t want his stuff.
“If they don’t want the items that come with the sale, they can sell them,” Neiditch said.

There is another sticking point: That $85 million does not buy you an actual turnkey apartment. Instead, you get a bunch of smaller pads.
The sales package includes a $2 million construction credit, because the “penthouse” is currently configured as 13 separate units, filled with month-to-month renters. Neiditch has already commissioned architectural plans for the conversion, and it would take 30 days to evict the tenants, he said.
“Getting the permits and planning could take six to nine months. The actual construction could probably be done in a year to 18 months,” said lauded New York architect Peter Pennoyer, who frequently handles condo combinations.
He also doesn’t think a $2 million credit will go very far. “People typically spend a minimum of $500 per square foot, so $7.5 million would be a reasonable starting point [for the renovation]. But people often spend much more than that.”
Several prominent Manhattan brokers take umbrage with the fact the listing does not disclose that the units are not combined. However, it does not seem to violate any rules, including those of major listings clearinghouse StreetEasy.com.
“It’s called deceptive advertising, plain and simple,” the president of a major New York brokerage stated.
Neiditch denied that there’s any deception. He also claimed to have already turned down a $50 million offer.

“We’ve got overseas people coming to see it,” Neiditch said. “We have people in India who know that [Indian media billionaire] Subhash Chandra bought a triplex in the building [in 2012] and are eyeing [this penthouse].”
If Neiditch gets his way, it will be a potential game-changer for how business is done. But that’s precisely why his wheeling and dealing has earned so many eye rolls.
“How do you sell something that is insanely overpriced? You throw in a bunch of stuff and get attention,” the top Manhattan broker said. “But at the end of the day . . . you pay on a square-foot basis, and no dinner for two is going to make it a better deal.”

Any takers?