Monday, October 22, 2012


I’ve already told you a little about my friend, Bonnie.  See “The Curse of Bonnie” HEREI included this “Bonnieism” in that post: We were playing golf behind a very slow group of men.  She exasperatedly asked me why it is that men will spend 10 minutes looking for a lost ball, but they won’t take 5 seconds to find your “G spot”!
Here’s another of hers: Bonnie & my very prim & proper (appearing) mother-in-law, Audrey, were among our guests at a formal luncheon.  I don’t think they had met before.  They were sitting next to each other.  Something gooey, chocolaty & decadently delicious was served for dessert.  Bonnie tasted it & said without thinking, as she was prone to do, “My God, this is better than sex!” & was instantly embarrassed because of who her luncheon partner was.  She fell in love with Audrey when she smiled & replied, “Yes, it is--& you don’t have to wash up afterwards, either!”
Then there’s my friend, Bernice.  Her husband had Alzheimer’s & had become very argumentative.  He had become nearly impossible to live with.  Shortly after his death she & I were marketing together.  We were at the meat counter.  She told me she was buying a steak for dinner.  She said that she had had steak the previous night, but she felt like having steak again & now that she only had herself to be concerned about, she could have whatever she wanted.  Bernice looked at me & said, “There MUST be a downside to being a widow, but so far I haven’t found what it is!”

And I certainly can’t forget Barbara!  She & I sometimes used to act like a lesbian couple.  WE ARE BOTH STRAIGHT!!  We were in WalMart & had our purchases in the same cart.  I unloaded mine & then helped her unload hers.  She said, coyly, “You’re so strong & powerful—thank you!”  I lowered my voice & said, “You’re welcome, Honey.”  I paid for my things, loaded both hers & mine into the cart & told her I was taking it outside to have a cigarette while she paid for her stuff.  Apparently she didn’t hear me because she looked around & asked the cashier where her things were.  The cashier said, “Your—uh, your, uh—your FRIEND took them out!”

Barbara & I were playing golf when I slipped & broke my left wrist.  After finally convincing her that my wrist really hurt & that it wasn’t that I wanted to quit because I was playing poorly, she drove me to the ER.  She was in the room with me when the doctor told me I’d have to remove my engagement & wedding ring because my hand would swell up.  I took them off & handed them to Barb who tearfully said, “You’ve been promising me these rings forever & you had to break your wrist for me to get them!”  The look that passed between the doctor & the nurse was priceless! 

I don’t know who thought of this, but I DO know they’re my kind of people.  Some company—I can’t remember which—had an 800 number which was answered by a machine offering you a menu to reach the extension you wanted.  It said to press 1 through 7 to reach different departments.  Nothing unusual, right?  Well, not until it said, “To hear a duck quack, press 8.”  I did, & that’s exactly what I heard!  The company had absolutely nothing to do with ducks.  Someone just had a sense of humor--& didn’t want to waste option #8.  I must have called them 50 times!

For my newest followers--Kitty & Kellie:

This is all true--fishduckies don’t lie!