Friday, February 8, 2013


Some TRUE stories: 

A nervous, elderly woman was taking her first airplane flight.  They had just taken off when she heard a noise that bothered her.  When the attendant arrived, she voiced her concern & the attendant said, "That's perfectly normal, Ma'am.  It's just the landing gear retracting."  The lady said, "Thank you for explaining.  I hate to be a bother, but this is my first flight & I'm a little nervous."  Later the plane started bouncing a little.  She called the flight attendant again & apologized & again asked for an explanation.  The attendant said, "That's all right, Ma'am, we're just experiencing a little air turbulence.  It should clear up in a few minutes."  The passenger managed to fall asleep & when she woke, it was dark outside.  She looked out the window & saw sparks & flame coming out of an engine.  She pushed the call button again & told the attendant what she had seen.  She was told that it was perfectly normal to see sparks coming out of an engine at night because of the contrast against the dark sky.  The elderly lady said, "I know everything's all right, but I am nervous.  Could you please just take a look?"  The attendant said, "Of course, Ma'am," & turned to look through the window.  Her very next words were, "HOLY S**T--WE'RE ON FIRE!"

My friend, Barbara, once owned a house in Sedona, Arizona.  (This is a very upscale area.)  She was at a cocktail party in the home of one of the first astronauts, along with several other astronauts, a psychiatrist & several medical doctors.  They were drinking some very smooth 190 proof vodka which had been given as a gift by a Russian cosmonaut.  One woman, who was sitting at a coffee table, fell face down into the dip & was saved from drowning after a couple of minutes by one of the doctors.  Another guest was just sitting there staring, neither moving or blinking.  Someone asked, "Is she dead yet?"  The doctor sitting next to her nudged her with his foot & gave his diagnosis, "Not yet!"  Barbara, who has trouble with one glass of wine, slid off her chair onto the floor.  Unable to feel either her arms or legs & not wanting to create a panic, calmly & politely said, "Excuse me, but I think I've had a stroke."  I would tell you more about the party, but that's all Barbara can remember.

Bud's uncle Lee lived in Malibu.  His house was on the beach side of Pacific Coast Highway on a cliff.  He had installed a cable elevator (cable car) to avoid walking the approximately 100 steps down to the beach--& then back up again.  He did a lot of entertaining & at one of his parties Gus Grissom was a guest.  He was one of America's first astronauts & had already made several space flights.  Although everyone else at the party used the cable elevator, he announced that it was too dangerous & went down, and later back up, the 100 stairs.

I guess this sort of qualifies as a flying joke:

A woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 17th floor condominium when a sudden gust of wind blew her over the railing.  "Damn, that was stupid," she thought as she fell. "What a way to die."

As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his arms.While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked, "Will you have sex with me?"  "No!" she shrieked, aghast. So, he dropped her.

As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her. "Will you have sex with me?" he asked.  "Of course not!" she exclaimed before she could stop herself. He dropped her too.

The poor woman prayed to God for one more chance. As luck would have it, she was
caught a third time, by a man on the 8th floor.  "Let’s have sex now!” she screamed in panic.  "Slut!" he said, and dropped her.

Supposedly true:

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a, "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, did we land or were we shot down?"


If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?----fishducky