Friday, March 1, 2013


This is a medical tool.
Do you know what its used for?
Answer at end of post. *

On dieting:

Lose weight quickly by eating raw pork or rancid tuna.  I find that the subsequent food poisoning/diarrhea enables me to lose up to 12 pounds in only 2 days.

On doctors:

See your doctor regularly.  You never know what you will learn.  I was 24 when I first became pregnant--past the age of growing.  I was 5' 5 1/2" tall.  I had four pregnancies & somehow grew 1/4" with each one. Now I'm shrinking.  

When Bud  is ill, I will often ask him if he's seen our doctor.  Quite often, his answer is, "Yes--we had lunch yesterday!"  NOT WHAT I MEANT--they do not talk shop (discuss his medical problems) during lunch.

I was at my OB/GYN's office for a checkup & he couldn't stop laughing.  Not at me--it seems the patient just before me was a famous country/western singer.  When he went into the operatory to examine her, he found her on the table with her feet in the stirrups. Normal? Not exactly--she was completely naked except for a Stetson & cowboy boots!  (I guess she figured as long as she was in the stirrups...)

On husbands:

My husband used to snore so loud it would rattle the windows, so I would kick him to make him stop.  Then he developed sleep apnea, where he would stop breathing for a short time.  I kicked him so he would start breathing again.  Both of these problems cleared up.  Now I kick him just because I enjoy it.

On working out:

Matt’s wife, Linda, is a physical therapist & an exercise fanatic.  Early in their relationship he agreed to go with her & her group on a 50 mile bike ride.  She was in condition—he wasn’t.  He also has diabetes.  He hadn’t eaten breakfast & pooped out fairly early in the ride.  She gave him a banana & some other food she had with her & told him to wait where he was until she finished the ride.  When I heard about this, I told him, “Next time you go on a 50 mile bike ride, I assume you’ll bring some food.”  He had a better idea.  He told me, “Next time I go on a 50 mile bike ride, I’LL BRING A CAR!”

On emergencies:

Two hillbillies are having a bite to eat in a restaurant.  Suddenly, a woman who is eating a sandwich at a nearby table begins to cough.  It quickly becomes apparent that she is in real distress.  One of the hillbillies looks at her & says, "Kin ya swallar?"  The woman shakes her head no.  Then he asks, "Kin ya breathe?"  She begins to turn blue & again shakes her head no.  He walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her panties & quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.  The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm & the obstruction flies out of her mouth.  As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks back to his table.  His friend says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Manoover' but I ain't never seed anybody do it before!"

On medication:

It is important to read warning labels carefully.

On overeating:
Did you ever go to a restaurant that serves an all you can eat buffet?  If the food is good, they’re fine.  I went to a bad one once—took one bite & they were right-- that was all I could eat!  I don’t think I’d enjoy one run by the mafia, even though I love Italian food.  I have a vision of some tough enforcer named Vinnie, when I went back for seconds, telling me, “Hey!  Dat’s ALL you can eat!!”

(A ducky/friend sent me this video--THANK YOU, SHIRLEY!!)

On general exercise:

Maxine—that brilliant woman—shares my thoughts:
“As I was lying in bed pondering the problems of the world, I realized that I don't really give a rat's heinie.  I also realized:

1. If walking is so good for your health, the postman would be immortal.
2. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, and is fat
3. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years.
4. A tortoise doesn't run and does nothing, yet it lives for 450 years.
And you tell me to exercise? I don't think so.”

This is about the only exercise I get:

Diamond Lil has taught me how to do housework with minimal effort: 

Sports are fine, if you don't take them too seriously:

It's important to get plenty of sleep:

* Answer:
Tobacco Smoke Enemas (1750’s-1810’s)

The tobacco enema was used to infuse tobacco smoke into a patient’s rectum for various medical purposes, primarily the resuscitation of drowning victims.  A rectal tube inserted into the anus was connected to a fumigator and bellows that forced the smoke towards the rectum. The warmth of the smoke was thought to promote respiration.  Doubts about the credibility of tobacco enemas led to the popular phrase, "blowing smoke up your ass."  Amazingly, it is still in constant use in Washington D.C. by the best Senators and U.S. Representatives that money can buy.

Got to go--I just realized I'm over 3 minutes late for my nap!----fishducky