Monday, May 6, 2013


I've been driving for over 60 years now &  I have to stop & go potty   I'm almost there now   I should have asked for directions I've had very few accidents or tickets.  Oh, sure, there was the time I hit the young man on the bike (it wasn't on purpose) & the time I unsuccessfully tried to make a left turn (& ended up in the hospital), but those shouldn't count because both cases been settled. I don't even think the time I didn't see the "no u turn" sign & made a uey in front of the police car or when I got a ticket for speeding on my way home from jury duty are important enough to mention.  Of course, there was the time I was stopped on a crowded boulevard with a high bed truck in front of me, & I decided to turn right onto a side street, to get out of the traffic.  I KNEW my fender would clear the truck & it ALMOST did!   There are drivers out there (NOT ME!) with REAL problems, like these:

"The other day I was on my way home from work when the most remarkable thing happened. Traffic was heavy as usual, and as I sat there at a red light, out of nowhere a bird slammed into my windshield. If that wasn't bad enough, the poor creature got its wing stuck under the windshield wiper.
Just then the light turned green and there I was with a bird stuck on my windshield. Without any other apparent options, turning on the windshield wipers seemed the only thing to do. It actually worked.
On the upswing, the bird flew off, and here is the crazy thing... it slammed right onto the windshield of the car behind me. No, it didn't get caught under the windshield wipers of that vehicle, but the car behind me was a police car.
Of course, with my luck, immediately the lights went on & I was requested to pull over.
The officer walked up & told me he had seen what happened at the light. Trying to plead my case fell on deaf ears.  He simply stated, 'I'm going to have to write you up for flipping me the bird.' "  
A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."
The man says, "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack."
"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."
"I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I couldl bleed to death."
"Well, then, we need a urine sample."
"I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar."
"All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."
"There's no way I can do that, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm drunk!"

"This morning on the freeway, I looked over to my right & there was a woman in a brand new Mustang doing 80 mph with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner!  I looked away for a couple of seconds & when I looked back she was halfway in my lane, still working on that makeup!  
As a man, I don't scare easily, but she upset me so much I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the Egg McMuffin out of my other hand.  In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, I knocked my cell phone away from my ear.  It fell into the coffee between my legs & splashed & burned Big Jim & the Twins, ruined the phone, soaked my pants & disconnected an important call!  Crazy women drivers!!"
How to identify where a driver is from:

One hand on wheel, one hand on horn--Chicago

One hand on wheel, one finger out window--New York

One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator--Boston

One hand on wheel, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator--California.  With gun in  lap--Riverside

Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror--Ohio, but driving in California

Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat--Italy

One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on game--Seattle

One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator & both feet being on the brake, throwing a McDonald's bag out the window--Texas male

One hand constantly refocusing the rear view mirror to see different angles of her big hair, one hand going between mousse & brush to keep the helmet hair going, both feet on the accelerator, poodle steering the car, chrome .38 revolver with mother of pearl handle in glove compartment--Texas female

Four wheel drive pickup truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tail on antenna, cousin/spouse in passenger seat--Arkansas

Two hands with death grip on wheel, blue hair barely visible above window level, driving 35 mph on the interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on--Florida
The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school:

Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.

Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pickup truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."

Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.

Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.

Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic? 
A: Heavy psychedelics.

I DID NOT doctor this:

The caption is probably too blurry to read, but this is a ACTUAL picture
taken from a police car in Klamath Falls, Oregon:

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Why is it that when you're driving & looking for an address, you turn down the volume  on the radio?----fishducky