fishducky, finally!: 08/02/13

Friday, August 2, 2013

TAKE MY WIFE---PLEASE!

One of my all-time favorite comedians was Henny Youngman, "The King of the One Liners". This post's title, "Take my wife---please!" was probably his best known & most often repeated joke. These may or may not have been his, but they are perfect examples of his humor:

My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well. I was amazed. I didn't know those things worked!

I went to the doctor's the other day & said, "Have you got anything for wind?" So he gave me a kite.

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll just see about that!

I called my phone company. I said, "I want to report a nuisance caller." He said, "Not you again!"

I slept like a log last night...woke up in the fireplace.

I was having dinner with Garry Kasparov, the world chess champion, & there was a checkered tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.

I bet on a horse last week at ten to one. It came in at a quarter past four.

I tried water polo but my horse drowned.

This is him in action:

For some equally sophisticated (?) humor, how about some "A guy walks into a bar" jokes? (funny2.com)

A guy walks into a bar with jumper cables. The bartender says, "You can come in, but don't start anything!"

A priest, a rabbi & a minister walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Is this some kind of a joke?"

A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food in here."

Four fonts walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Get out! We don't want your type in here!"

A dyslexic man walks into a bra...

A skeleton walks into a bar & says, "Gimme a beer, & a mop."

A guy walks into a bar & says, "I'll have a beer & I'd like to buy a drink for that douchebag at the end of the bar." The bartender says, "OK, but you shouldn't talk about a woman like that." The bartender asks the woman what she would like. She says, "I'll have a vinegar & water."

An amnesiac walks into a bar. He asks, "Do I come here often?"

A goldfish walks into a bar & looks at the bartender. The bartender asks, "What can I get you?" The goldfish says, "Water!"

A dead battery walks into a bar & orders a drink. "Are you positive you want one?" the bartender asks. The dead battery says, "Yep--& charge it, too!"

A man walks into a bar holding an alligator. He asks, "Do you serve lawyers here?" The bartender says, "Yes, we do." "Good," replies the man. "I'll have a beer & bring a lawyer for my alligator."

A pregnant woman walks into a bar & is soon approached by a guy who asks, "Can I sit here with you?" She says, "No. I'm expecting someone."

As it's no longer politically correct to direct a joke at any racial or ethnic minority, try this one:

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Gurkha, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a German, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Jordanian, a Kiwi, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian, an Eskimo, an Argentinian, a Libyan and a Kenyan walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, I can't let you in without a Thai."

AND MY FAVORITE:

A guy walks into a bar with a duck on his head. The bartender says, "Can I help you?" The duck says, "Yeah, you can get this guy off my butt!"

And as long as we've sunk to this level: