Monday, December 9, 2013

THE STUPID PRINCESS (by Ruby Hirsch and fishducky)

Ruby is Elisa's daughter "The Scribe".
It's fairy tale week & my co-author's birthday is tomorrow.  Happy birthday, Ruby!!

“Oh, how I wish I could go for a ride,” Natasha thought for the bazillionth time as she looked out the window.

The sun shone brightly through the glass and warmed her body but not her spirit.  She sat and she pouted.  Natasha loved horses but her stepmother wouldn’t ever let her ride one.  In fact, she wouldn't ever let her out of their cottage where she was only given bread and milk to eat and drink.  She would have sold her soul for a hamburger, fries and a Diet Coke, even though Diet Cokes hadn’t even been invented yet.  Although her stepmother, who insisted she be called “Mommy Dearest”, loved her dearly and dressed her in the finest potato sacks available (from Grade AA potatoes, no less), she was unhappy.  She cried and wiped away her tears with the hem of her lovely potato sack.  She was very sad, indeed.  Poor Natasha!

She had lots of toys and video games, but since she wasn’t allowed to go out, she had no friends.  All she had for company were two lambs.  She hated them.  They wouldn't play with her because they couldn’t work the game controls with their hooves and they were continually chewing on her clothes.  They reminded her of all the good things she never got to eat since her father married Mommy Dearest; things like leg of lamb with roasted potatoes, peas and a green salad.  She hardly remembered her father; he had died when she was just a little girl.  Mommy Dearest told her that he had been killed in a Crusade, whatever that was.

Every day, she begged and begged her stepmother to let her out, just so she could ride a horse.  Mommy Dearest had several horses and Natasha’s stepsisters were allowed to ride them, but no matter how nicely she asked, Mommy Dearest simply would not allow it.  Finally the day came when Natasha gained the courage to sneak away after seeing a beautiful stallion standing outside of her cottage.  He seemed to be waiting for her.  (The cottage's front door had no lock and the girl was shocked to discover this after all those years, but she wasn’t the brightest bulb in the chandelier, or the sharpest knife in the drawer, or…well, you know what I mean!)

The horse told Natasha his name was Arrow, because he could go as fast as one, and to climb onto his back.  She said, “I didn’t know horses can talk!”  He told her that all animals can talk, especially in fairy tales.  “Even lambs?” she asked.  “Even lambs,” he said, “But they’re always so negative, like Scrooge.  No matter what I say to one, it always says ‘Bah!’”  She got on Arrow and clung to his mane.  She rode, galloping far, far away.  She came to a halt when she heard several men talking about a princess who'd been imprisoned for a long time in a cottage somewhere.  She rode further, not knowing what to think of this strange news.  Was she that princess?  No, 
it couldn't be!

Natasha rode that horse all day and all night.  The next morning they came upon a castle in the forest.  Flowers and beautiful trees filled with singing birds covered the grounds.  No one seemed to be around.  She went up to the castle door, which had a huge brass knocker in the shape of a face.  She knocked.  The door knocked back.

She did this again and again the door knocked back.  Then the door said, "Knock, knock."  She replied, "Who's there?"  The door said, "How the heck should I know?  You’re the one who wants to come in.  I’m just a door.  I don’t do knock-knock jokes!”  And suddenly it flew open.

From the darkened castle hallway came a deep, manly voice saying, "Who goes there?"  Natasha was frightened, but she introduced herself politely and the voice said, "Enter, oh, beautiful princess, you and the horse you came in on.  You are most welcome to live here.”  She was confused.  She didn’t understand what that meant.  She was too stupid.  But she went in, anyway.  (Remember what I said about those light bulbs and knives?)  She hadn't even realized she was the princess after hearing the villagers! 

She moved into the castle and rode Arrow every day.  She loved riding through the nearby forest because all the animals and even the trolls treated her like a queen.  The voice enrolled her in the local public school and although her grades were low, she made lots of friends among her classmates.  Instead of the potato sacks, she was given gowns of the finest silk, satin and velvet.  The voice even gave her a crown, but it kept falling off.  Although she had servants and even a personal cook, she still only got bread and milk, but she could choose between white, rye, pumpernickel, pita bread or even bagels.  On special occasions she even got chocolate milk.  And the voice made sure she took her vitamins every day.

Natasha lived like this for many years, until she finally figured out who she was and that she was the rightful ruler of the kingdom.  The voice had realized right away that she was stupid and he almost regretted sending Arrow to rescue her.  Her stepmother found them and moved in, because that's what stepmothers do.

The voice turned back into the handsome prince that he once was.  He had been put under a curse by a witch who was annoyed that he kept singing “I Ain’t Got Nobody” and thought that would be a good joke on him.  Fortunately, the curse was just temporary and wore off after seven or eight full moons.  He fell in love with and married Mommy Dearest after finding out that she was quite smart and very nice and that she'd simply kept her stepdaughter in the cottage to save her from her own stupidity (and food allergies).  Plus, the prince had a thing for stepmothers and cougars!

Natasha finally took the throne following a magnificent ceremony and she ruled the country wisely and fairly for many years.  Of course, that was because she never made a decision without getting the advice of her trusted counselors; Mommy Dearest, the voice/handsome prince and Arrow.  She outgrew her food allergies, changed her name to Henry Vlll and gained several hundred pounds.  As Henry Vlll, she had to marry six wives, but she felt that was a small sacrifice to make for her country.   She, and all the people of her kingdom, lived pretty much happily ever after. 

That, my children, is how the United Kingdom came to be and how it eventually, after many murders and bouts of hemophilia, became what it is today.

There aren't many "stupid princess" cartoons on the web, 
so here are some that are just plain stupid:

Everything happens for a reason.  Sometimes the reason is that you're stupid & you make bad decisions----fishducky