Monday, December 16, 2013


Having a memory problem?  Perhaps mnemonics can help.

I'm sure you're familiar with "HOMES" to remember the Great Lakes:
Huron, Ontario, Michigan, Erie & Superior, but this is mine:
"Hell, one more educational subject!"

To remember the planets, Mercury, Venus, Earth, Mars, Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus & Neptune,  I was taught:
"Matilda visits every Monday, just stays until noon", but I prefer:
"Mary’s 'virgin' explanation made Joseph suspect upstairs neighbor."

Going to play poker & having trouble remembering the value of the hands?
Pair, two pair, three of a kind, straight, flush, full house, four of a kind, & straight flush.
Try "Pigs trying treats since farmers found fantastic slop."

You'll remember the continents; Europe, Antarctica, Asia, Africa, Australia, North America, & South America with:
"Eat An Aspirin After A Nauseating Sandwich." 

You can even remember the electronic spectrum; radio waves, microwaves, infrared, visible light, ultraviolet, X-rays and gamma rays with:
"Rugged Men IVersace Underpants (e)Xcite Girls."

You can win a bet with your friends by telling them that you can remember the names of the first four Led Zeppelin albums.  I'll tell you how at the end of this post.

Some jokes:

An elderly couple is beginning to notice that neither of them seems to be able to remember things as well as they used to. So, they go to see their doctor, who explains that there is nothing really wrong with, just typical memory loss associated with old age. He suggests that they each get notebooks and write notes to themselves to help remember things. The couple goes home and that evening while watching T.V. the man gets up and heads for the kitchen. His wife asks if he can bring her some ice cream when he returns. He says he will, and she says he should write it down. 
"I’m just going to the kitchen, I'll remember." "Well, I want that with nuts, too." "O.K. he says ice cream with nuts." She asks again if he's going to write it down. "No, I'm just going to the kitchen." "And a cherry on the top?" He agrees and turns toward the kitchen again and she asks again about writing it down. Now the old man is angry, "Look, old lady, I'm not senile, I can remember ice cream with nuts and a cherry on top." He goes in the kitchen for 10 minutes and when he returns he sets a plate of bacon and eggs in front of his wife. 
She looks up and says, "Honey, I told you to write it down-- you forgot my toast." 

Two very elderly ladies were enjoying the sunshine on a park bench in Miami. They had been meeting at that park every sunny day for over 12 years… chatting, and enjoying each other’s friendship.

One day, the younger of the two ladies, turns to the other and says, “Please don”t be angry with me, dear, but I'm embarrassed, after all these years. What is your name? I am trying to remember, but I just can’t.”

The older friend stares at her, looking very distressed, says nothing for two full minutes, and finally with tearful eyes, says, “How soon do you have to know?”

A 65 year old woman gave birth to a baby.  When she was discharged from the hospital, her friends came to visit.  "May we see the new baby?" one asked.  "Not yet," said the mother.  "I'll make coffee & we can visit for a while first."  After a half hour, another friend asked, "May we see the baby now?"  "No, not yet," said the mother.  Growing very impatient, they asked, "Well, when can we see the baby?"  She angrily answered, "When he cries!"  They demanded to know why.  The mother said, "Because I forgot where I put him!!"

I've run this before, but you probably don't remember:
Here are the lyrics:

Midnight – I wake up and remember
That I left the door open with the groceries outside.
Where the hell did I put my keys? Oh, look here they are
Underneath the TV Guide.
Mem’ry, what became of the short term
I remember the old days, I was sharper back then
If I eat fish and do the crosswords every day
Will the brain cells grow again?

I could swear I put those tickets right here in my wallet,
Now I’m late; I thought the show starts at eight;
I wrote that in my whatchamacallit.
Damn! What did I walk in this room for?
Maybe when I was younger, I took too ’ludes.
Where’s that ginko biloba that I picked up today?
Oh, I left it at Whole Foods.

What the heck is that guy’s name?
He sings with me in choir.
Did I turn both of the burners off?
Or is my house on fire?

Shoot me, put me out of my misery
Or just leave me to wander Soldier Field Parking Lot.
If they ask, tell them I once had a memory too.
What was the question? I forgot.

Here's a new one:
Here are the lyrics:

I'm looking for my wallet and car keys…
Well they can't have gone too far

Just as soon as I find my glasses,

I'm sure I'll see just where they are

Supposed to meet someone for lunch today,

But I can't remember where...

Or who it is that I am meeting?

It’s in my organizer somewhere

I might have left it on the counter,

Maybe outside in the car...

The last time I remember driving,

Was to that memory enhancement seminar...

What's that far off distant ringing?

And that strangely familiar tone?

Must be the person I am meeting,

Calling me on my brand new cordless telephone...

I might have left it under the covers,

Maybe outside on the lawn...

And I've got just one more ring to go,

Before my answering machine kicks on...

Hi, this is Tom and your call means a lot to me,

So leave a message at the tone...

And I'll do my best to try to remember

To call you back when I get home


Tom, this is Gwendolyn,

And I'm trying not to cry...

But I've been waiting here for over an hour,

I thought you loved me, this is goodbye...

And the voice sounds familiar,

And the name it rings a bell...

Let's see now, where was I, 

Oh well…

And, before I forget, some cartoons:

I've run this before, but I love it:

Led Zeppelin's first four albums were:

Led Zeppelin, Led Zeppelin Two (II)
Led Zeppelin Three (III), and Led Zeppelin Four (IV)

Don't lend people money, it gives them amnesia----fishducky