Monday, May 12, 2014


The following are taken from actual church bulletins found in churches across the United States:

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles & other items to be recycled.  Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.
Evening massage--6:00 pm.
The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.
The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.
The Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 pm.  Please use the back door.
Ushers will eat latecomers.
For those of you who have children & don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.
The Pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy".
During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the privilege of hearing a good sermon when J. F. Stubbs took over our pulpit.
Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service.  The pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible experience".
Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church & community.
The 8th graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7:00 pm.  The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
On a bulletin during the minister's illness: GOD IS GOOD. Dr. Hargreaves is better.
Don't let worry kill you off--let the church help.
The Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 & 11.
Pastor is on vacation.  Massages can be given to the church secretary.
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM.  Please use large double door at the side entrance.
Today's Sermon: "How Much Can a Man Drink?" with hymns from a full choir.
Potluck supper: prayer & medication to follow.
Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members & the deterioration of some  older ones.
A new loudspeaker system has been installed in the church.  It was given by Mr. Johnson in memory of his late wife.
A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door, as he always is, to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside. The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"
My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."
The Pastor asked, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"
He whispered back, "I'm in the Secret Service.”
A man is talking to God.

The man: "God, how long is a million years?"
God: "To me, it's about a minute.
The man: "God, how much is a million dollars?"
God: "To me, it's a penny.
The man: "God, may I have a penny?"
God: "Wait a minute."

And here's what you've been praying for--lots of cartoons:

When cannibals eat a missionary, do they get a taste of religion?----fishducky