(A reworked post from November, 2012)
Some
political humor for today, although there'll be plenty tomorrow!
Actually, I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen
too many of them get elected.
But I just can't resist, so:
A
busload of politicians were driving down a country road when all of a sudden,
the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field. The
farmer, after seeing what had happened, went over to investigate. He then
proceeded to dig a hole to bury the politicians. When the local sheriff came
out & saw the crashed bus, he asked the farmer where all the politicians
had gone. He told him he had buried them. The sheriff asked the farmer,
"Were they ALL dead?" He said, "Well, some of them said they
weren't, but they were politicians & I didn’t believe them!"
A quote from Bette
Midler:
"I haven't left my
house in days. I watch the news channels incessantly. All the news
stories are about the election. All the commercials are for Viagra &
Cialis. Election, erection, election, erection--either way it's about getting
screwed!"
Actual political quotes:
''Sometimes I wonder
whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on, or by
imbeciles who really mean it.''—Mark Twain
"I
resent your insinuendoes."
"If we don’t make some changes, the status quo will remain the same."
"We’re going to have the best-educated American people in the world."
"I support efforts to limit the terms of members of Congress, especially members of the House and members of the Senate." -- Dan Quayle
"If Lincoln were alive today, he’d roll over in his grave."
"We do not have censorship. What we have is a limitation on what newspapers can report."
"Candidly, I cannot answer that. The question is too suppository."
"Outside of the killings in Washington DC, we have one of the lowest crime rates in the nation." -- Marion Berry
"Let’s jump off that bridge when we come to it."
"To be demeanered like that is an exercise in fertility."
"I deny the allegations, and I defy the allegators."
"If somebody’s gonna stab me in the back, I want to be there."
"When you’re talking to me, keep your mouth shut."
"Let’s do this in one foul swoop."
"I want to thank each and every one of you for having extinguished yourselves in this session."
"We’ll run it up the flagpole and see who salutes that booger."
"I would like to take this time to reirritate my remarks."
"The average age of a 7 year old in this state is 13."
"I hate to confuse myself with the facts."
"We have a permanent plan for the time being."
"Family planning has many misconceptions."
"The people in my district do not want this highway bypass, no matter if it goes through or around the city."
"My knowledge is no match for his ignorance."
"As long as I am in the Senate, there will not be a nuclear suppository in our state."
"These numbers are not my own; they are from someone who knows what he’s talking about."
"People planning on getting into serious accidents should have their seat belts on."
"In 1994, Americans stand on the horns of an enema."
"I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency--even if i'm in a Cabinet meeting."--Ronald Reagan
"If we don’t make some changes, the status quo will remain the same."
"We’re going to have the best-educated American people in the world."
"I support efforts to limit the terms of members of Congress, especially members of the House and members of the Senate." -- Dan Quayle
"If Lincoln were alive today, he’d roll over in his grave."
"We do not have censorship. What we have is a limitation on what newspapers can report."
"Candidly, I cannot answer that. The question is too suppository."
"Outside of the killings in Washington DC, we have one of the lowest crime rates in the nation." -- Marion Berry
"Let’s jump off that bridge when we come to it."
"To be demeanered like that is an exercise in fertility."
"I deny the allegations, and I defy the allegators."
"If somebody’s gonna stab me in the back, I want to be there."
"When you’re talking to me, keep your mouth shut."
"Let’s do this in one foul swoop."
"I want to thank each and every one of you for having extinguished yourselves in this session."
"We’ll run it up the flagpole and see who salutes that booger."
"I would like to take this time to reirritate my remarks."
"The average age of a 7 year old in this state is 13."
"I hate to confuse myself with the facts."
"We have a permanent plan for the time being."
"Family planning has many misconceptions."
"The people in my district do not want this highway bypass, no matter if it goes through or around the city."
"My knowledge is no match for his ignorance."
"As long as I am in the Senate, there will not be a nuclear suppository in our state."
"These numbers are not my own; they are from someone who knows what he’s talking about."
"People planning on getting into serious accidents should have their seat belts on."
"In 1994, Americans stand on the horns of an enema."
"I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency--even if i'm in a Cabinet meeting."--Ronald Reagan
We should ALL read this:
Our Rights:
The following was written by State
Representative Mitchell Kaye from Cobb County, GA
We, the SENSIBLE people of the United
States, in an attempt to help everyone get along, restore some semblance of
justice, avoid any more riots, keep our nation safe, promote positive behavior,
and secure the blessings of debt-free liberty to ourselves and our
great-great-great grandchildren, hereby try one more time to ordain and
establish some common sense guidelines for the terminally whiny, guilt-ridden,
basically lazy people. We hold these truths to be self-evident:
ARTICLE I: You do not have the right to a
new car, big screen TV, or any other form of wealth. More power to you if you
can legally acquire them, but no one is guaranteeing anything.
ARTICLE II: You do not have the right to
never be offended. This country is based on freedom, and that means freedom for
everyone - not just you! You may leave the room, turn the channel, express a
different opinion, etc., but the world is full of idiots, and probably always
will be.
ARTICLE III: You do not have the right to
be free from harm. If you stick a screwdriver in your eye, learn to be more
careful. Do not expect the tool manufacturer to make you and all your relatives
independently wealthy.
ARTICLE IV: You do not have the right to
free food and housing. Americans are the most charitable people to be found,
and will gladly help anyone in need, but we are quickly growing weary of
subsidizing generation after generation of professional couch potatoes who
achieve nothing more than the creation of another generation of professional
couch potatoes.
ARTICLE V: You do not have the right to
free health care. That would be nice, but from the looks of public housing,
we're just not interested in health care.
ARTICLE VI: You do not have the right to
physically harm other people. If you kidnap, rape, intentionally maim or kill
someone, don't be surprised if the rest of us want to see you fry in the
electric chair.
ARTICLE VII: You do not have the right to
the possessions of others. If you rob, cheat or coerce away the goods or
services of other citizens, don't be surprised if the rest of us get together
and lock you away in a place where you still won't have the right to a
big-screen color TV or a life of leisure.
ARTICLE VIII: You don't have the right to
demand that our children risk their lives in foreign wars to soothe your aching
conscience. We hate oppressive governments and won't lift a finger to stop you
from going to fight if you'd like. However, we do not enjoy parenting the
entire world and do not want to spend so much of our time battling each and
every little tyrant with a military uniform and a funny hat.
ARTICLE IX: You don't have the right to a
job. All of us sure want all of you to have one, and will gladly help you along
in hard times, but we expect you to take advantage of the opportunities of
education and vocational training laid before you to make yourself useful.
ARTICLE
X: You do not have the right to happiness. Being an American means that you
have the right to pursue happiness, which, by the way, is a lot easier if you are
unencumbered by an overabundance of idiotic laws created by those of you who
were confused by the Bill of Rights.
river-driftingthroughlife
As they say in Chicago, "VOTE EARLY &
OFTEN!"----fishducky
