Wednesday, November 26, 2014


(An email from Joe at crankyoldman.com)
An elderly married couple was at home watching TV.

The husband had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel.

The wife became more and more annoyed and finally said: "For god's sake! Leave it on the porn channel. You know how to fish!"

An old man was tired from riding his bike, and decided to hitch hike. A guy in his red Corvette pulled up to give him a lift. When the old man brought out his bike that he had leaned up against a tree, the driver said, "I have no room for your bike in my car, but I'd like to help you in some way, seeing you standing here in the hot sun." 

After a few seconds of thought, the driver said, "I know what we can do. I have a rope behind my seat. I'll tie one end of it to the rear end of my car and the other end to the front of your bike. You ride your bike, and I'll give you this whistle. If I go too fast for you, just blow your whistle and I'll slow down." The old guy agreed to it. So off he went down the highway with the old man and his bike in tow. 

A little ways down the road, a young lady in a bright yellow corvette pulls up next to them. She gives the guy in the red ‘Vette the high sign, meaning "you wanna drag?" Off they go down the highway, 100 plus MPH, the old man blowing his whistle like crazy. They zipped by a Highway Patrol cop sitting under a tree. 

The cop knew he couldn't catch them, so he called ahead to his fellow cop down the road to intercept. "Car number 2, this is car number 1." "Go head number 1, what'cha got for me?" I got a red and yellow ‘Vettes come down your way doing hundred plus, can you intercept?" "Ten-four, is there anything else?" "Yeah, you won't believe this, but there’s an old guy riding a bicycle blowing his whistle trying to pass."
Two old men were sitting in the yard outside the care home one day when Tim turned to John and said, "John, I'm really feeling my age today.   I just hurt all over.  How are you feeling?”  John replied, "I feel just like a new born babe"  Tim looked at him, startled.  "A new born babe, really?  "Yep, I have no hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."
An 85-year-old widow went on a blind date with a 90-year-old man.  When she returned to her daughter's house later that night, she seemed upset.  "What happened, Mother?" the daughter asked.  "I had to slap his face three times!"  "You mean he got fresh?"  "No," she answered, "I thought he was dead!" 
To commemorate her 69th birthday on October 1, (2004) actress/vocalist Julie Andrews made a special appearance at Manhattan's Radio City Music Hall for the benefit of the AARP (American Assoc. of Retired People). One of the musical numbers she performed was "My Favorite Things" from the legendary movie "Sound of Music." However, the lyrics of the song were deliberately changed for the entertainment of her "blue hair" audience.  Here are the lyrics she recited:

Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings
Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
These are a few of my favorite things..

Cadillacs and cataracts and hearing aids and glasses,
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favorite things.

When the pipes leak,
When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then! I don't feel so bad.

Hot tea and crumpets, and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heat pads and hot meals they bring, !
These are a few of my favorite things.

Back pains, confused brains, and no fear of sinnin',
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin',
And we won't mention our short shrunken frames,
When we remember our favorite things.

When the joints ache,
When the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I've had,
And then I don't feel so bad.

(Some quotes from Phyllis Diller)

You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.
I had a pain beneath my left breast--turned out to be a trick knee.
Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.
Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot.
You know you're old if your walker has an airbag.
Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.

Happy Thanksgiving tomorrow!!

Have you tried these?

A turkey farmer was always experimenting with breeding to perfect a better turkey. His family was fond of the leg portion for dinner and there were never enough legs for everyone. After many frustrating attempts, the farmer was relating the results of his efforts to his friends at the general store get together. "Well I finally did it! I bred a turkey that has 6 legs!" They all asked the farmer how it tasted. "I don't know" said the farmer. "I never could catch the darn thing!" 

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing----fishducky