Wednesday, September 30, 2015


(A reworked post which first appeared in WOMEN: WE SHALL OVERCOME in January, 2012.)

Now that I’m 81, I'm not only clumsy, I’m becoming decrepit.  Which is strange, because I don’t remember ever being crepit.  Or ept.  Or even ane.  You look to be sympathetic.  Let me tell you some of my woes.

I’m diabetic, which has not been much of a problem.  One time, however, I had a sore on my leg which refused to heal.  My doctor thought pure oxygen would help.  He had me go for treatments in a hyperbaric oxygen chamber.  This is what divers use when they get the bends.  This is not for those of you with claustrophobia, which I do not have.  You lie in a coffin-like chamber that has a glass top & sides so you can watch TV.  While you’re in there you breathe pure oxygen.  It’s something “normal” people never need.  The treatments take about an hour each, in a series of about 15.  I usually fell asleep.

My main problem has been with my feet--specifically, my toes.  I refuse to wear shoes unless it’s absolutely necessary.  I never wear them in the house.  When my kids were small & they’d see me wearing shoes, they’d ask where I was going.  I used to give small dinner fancy parties with crystal, china, sterling & bare feet.  I have broken several toes by bumping them into chairs.

The first time I ever broke a toe, my husband & I were playing cards at my brother & sister-in-law’s house on a Sunday evening.  My brother-in-law was a veterinarian.  We decided that he would bandage my foot & I would see my doctor Monday, instead of bothering him on the weekend.  Apparently, my brother in law used a LOT of bandage to wrap it, because when I went to my doctor the next day he asked, “Who the hell bandaged your foot?  It looks like a hoof!”  I said, “Funny you should mention that.  My veterinarian did it.”

Another time, I had just had arthroscopic surgery on my knee.  The morning after the surgery, I was in bed when the doorbell rang.  My husband had gone to work.  I grabbed my crutches, which I was not used to using, & started to “run” to the door.  I fell & broke my toe against the wall, trying to protect my knee.  My yelling woke my son, who came out to see what was happening.  He helped me up & got me back into bed, then went to the front door.  The UPS driver had left a package for me.  In it was a beautiful new cane, hand decorated in lace, which a friend had sent me.  If she hadn’t sent it, I wouldn’t have needed it!  Sometimes I feel like the old joke that goes, “Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you enjoy the play?”

I had a mastectomy a couple of years ago.  That didn’t bother me too much except that after I finally got my arm back in working order, I fell & broke it.  It still doesn’t work perfectly.  For quite a while I couldn’t pull up my own underwear.  My son, my husband & I were talking about online dating.  I said I should put my name out there with the description, "Old broad who can't pull up her own underwear."  Blake thought that should get me several hits!!

I once bought an embroidered pillow for a friend.  Maybe I should have gotten one for myself, too.  It shows a cow lying on her back with her udder hanging to one side.  It says, with the letters dragging down, towards the bottom corner, “No, really--I’m f   i    n     e….”

Sort of like this:

A meal is not considered finished until I spill something on my shirt----fishducky


Tuesday, September 29, 2015


The Ramses brand condom is named after the great pharaoh Ramses II who fathered over 160 children. 
A true story out of San Francisco: 

A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch & wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." 

 While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. 

After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo 
deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. 

Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.
Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie, but the glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher. 
Before you could leave a message on someone's phone, there was the answering machine.  Bud, for some reason only he understood, refused to buy one.  We finally got ours when it was offered as a bonus for something I was going to buy anyway.  Our first outgoing message was, "You have reached 310 xxx-xxxx.  If this call is for Fran, please leave a message.  If it's for Bud, don't bother.  He doesn't believe in these things & he won't call you back!!"
Ben and Jerry's send the waste from making ice cream to local pig farmers to use as feed. Pigs love the stuff, except for one flavor: Mint Oreo. 
My cousin's husband was playing golf with Bud & two other friends.  He hit a long drive & his ball landed on what appeared to be a pile of wet leaves next to a water hazard.  He walked up to the ball & almost disappeared.  The water hazard extended further than he thought & he sank into it up to his chest!!  He did what any dedicated golfer would do.  He got into the golf cart, drove to the pro shop, bought new clothes, changed into them & continued the game!!
Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors. 
A young woman wasn't feeling well, and asked one of her co-workers to recommend a physician.

"I know a great one in the city, but he is very expensive. Five hundred dollars for the first visit, and one hundred dollars for each one after that." 

The woman went to the doctor's office and, trying to save a little money, cheerily announced, "I'm back!" 

Not fooled for a second, the doctor quickly examined her and said, "Very good, just continue the treatment I prescribed on your last visit."
111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321 
This is probably a good place for this bunch of corny jokes:

Doctor, Doctor I feel like a pair of curtains. 
Pull yourself together, man!!

Doctor, Doctor, everyone keeps ignoring me. 

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking there is two of me. 
One at a time, please. 

Doctor, Doctor, some days I feel like a teepee and other days I feel like a wigwam. 
You're too tents. 

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm invisible. 
Who said that? 

Doctor, Doctor My little boy has just swallowed a roll of film! 
Let's hope nothing develops. 

Doctor, Doctor I've lost my memory! 
When did this happen? 
When did what happen? 

Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a pack of cards. 
I'll deal with you later. 

Doctor, Doctor my son has swallowed my pen, what should I do? 
Use a pencil.

It has occurred to me lately that nothing has occurred to me lately----fishducky


Monday, September 28, 2015


Some euphemisms are used in order to make a blunt or unpleasant truth seem less harsh. Others are used to take the place of words or phrases you might not want to say in polite company.  In some cases, euphemisms are intentionally a grosser or less pleasant way of saying something. These are usually used when people are being sarcastic or trying to make light of a serious subject or make it seem less serious.  Following are many euphemisms that I thought of, found online or stole borrowed from George Carlin:

Bathroom tissue--toilet paper
Mobile homes--trailers
Shell shock/battle fatigue--post traumatic stress disorder
Previously owned vehicles--used cars
Occasionally irregularity--constipation
Substandard housing--slums
In a negative cash flow position--poor
Neutralizing populations--ethnic cleansing
Disinformation--governmental lies
Preboarding--getting on a plane before you get on?
Physically challenged/differently abled--handicapped
Learning disabled--stupid
Partially sighted/vision impaired--blind
Having severe appearance deficits--ugly
Rape victim--unwilling sperm recipient
Senior citizen--old person
Let go/downsized--fired
On the street--homeless
Correctional facility--jail
Executive assistant/personal assistant--secretary
Caretaker, custodian--janitor
In the family way--pregnant
In reduced circumstances--bankrupt
Electronic surveillance--wiretapping & bugging
Personal representative--salesperson
Character lines--wrinkles
Assisted living facility--old folk's home
Passed away/departed/expired (like a magazine subscription?)--died
Terminal episode--death in a hospital
Negative patient care outcome--death in a hospital as seen by the insurance company
Au natural/in your birthday suit--naked
Use the rest room/powder your nose--go to the bathroom
Between jobs--unemployed
Adult entertainment--pornography
Adult beverages--booze 
Chronologically challenged--late
Plus sized--fat
Sanitation engineer--garbage man
Sleep together/hide the sausage/make whoopee--have sex
Man often engaging in casual sex--stud
Woman often engaging in casual sex--slut

And my personal favorite from George Carlin:

Have an involuntary protein spill--vomit

If all is not lost, then where the heck is it?----fishducky