Tuesday, March 3, 2015


(A reworked post from 2012)


In order to keep English from becoming a dead language, it must keep up with the times. Therefore, I propose adding these new definitions/adjustments to our current dictionaries. 

I've included this small section just for women:

Argument n.  A discussion that occurs when you're right & continues until he realizes it.
Blonde jokes n.  Jokes short enough for men to understand.
Cantaloupe n.  Gotta get married in a church.
Clothes dryer n.  An appliance designed to eat socks.
Eternity n.  The last two minutes of a football game.
Park v/n.  Before children, a verb meaning "to go somewhere & neck".  After children, a noun meaning "a place with swings & a slide".

A sample of the rest of the dictionary:

Abasement n.  Where a furnace is located.
Abdicate n.  To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
Acre n.  Someone that aches.
Arbitrator n.  A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonalds.
Artery n.  The study of paintings.
Avoidable v.  What a toreador tries to do.

Bacteria n.  The back door of a cafeteria.
Balderdash n.  A rapidly receding hairline.
Barbarian adj.  Belonging or related to Barbara.
Barium n.  What doctors recommend when their patients die.
Benign adj.  What you be after you be eight.
Bide v.  Past tense of to buy.
Biology n.  The scientific study of the number two.
Burglarize n.  What a crook sees with.

Caesarean section n.  High rent district in Rome.
Carnation n.  A country where each citizen owns an automobile.
Catatonic n.  A feline medication.
Cat scan n.  A search for your wandering kitty.
Catacomb n.  What a feline uses to straighten its hair.
Cauterize v.  Made eye contact with her.
Circumvent n.  An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
Coffee n.  The person upon whom one coughs.
Colander n.  Someone who arrives with you on the same plane.
Colic n.  A breed of sheep dog.
Counterfeiters n.  Workers who install kitchen cabinets.

Dilate n.  To live a long life.
Diode n.  Two very long poems.

Eclipse n.  What a Cockney barber does for a living.
Esplanade n.  To attempt an explanation while drunk.
Exercise n.  Her former body measurements.
Eyedropper n.  A clumsy opthalmologist.

Flabbergasted adj.  Appalled by realizing how much weight one has gained.
Flatulence n.  Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

Gargoyle n.  Olive flavored mouthwash.
Goad v.  Past tense of to go.

Hamlet n.  A small pig.
Human n.  An automatic door opener for cats.

Impotent adj.  Distinguished, well known.
Incommodious n.  Unable to find a vacant bathroom in time. 
Infantry n.  Where mother birds lay their eggs.

Liquor n.  How a male animal cleans his mate.
Lymph v.  To walk with a lisp.

Malediction n.  The way men talk.
Maritime n.  The hour of a wedding. 
Medieval adj.  Not completely bad.
Myth n.  A female moth.

Negligent adj.  Absentmindedly answering the door wearing only a nightgown.
Nitrates  n.  Cheaper than day rates.
Node v.  Having prior knowledge.

Octopus  n.  A cat with eight legs.
Outpatient n.  Someone who has fainted in a doctor's office.
Oyster n.  Someone who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish phrases.

Parasites n.  What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.
Phony adj.  Related to telephones.

Quires n.  Instructional papers groups of singers hold while performing. 

Rectitude n.  The dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
Reintarnation n.  Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
Relief v.  What trees do in the spring.

Scurrilous adj.  In an excited state (normally used to describe rodents).
Season n.  Male offspring of Poseidon.
Seizure n.  An alcoholic Roman emperor.
Sudafed v.  Brought a lawsuit against a government official.
Synonym n.  A linguist's favorite spice on baked apples.
Syntax n.  A tariff on immorality.

Testicle n.  A short quiz.
Tooth adj.  The ordinal number for two.
Tumor n.  One more than one more.

Urine v/n.  (A baseball term.)  The opposite of "Yer out!"
Most definitions stolen borrowed found online at Butler Webs.

As yet, I have no entries for V-Z (or J & K, for that matter).  I am open to suggestions.

Would you believe I couldn't find a definition for "fishducky"?