You might not know
this...but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female. Here
are some examples:
FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in...but you
can see right through them.
PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off...it takes a
while to warm them up again. They are an effective
reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed...but can also wreak havoc
if you push the wrong buttons.
TIRES: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over
inflated.
HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go
anywhere you have to light a fire under their ass.
SPONGES: These are female because they are soft, squeezable and
retain water.
WEB PAGES: Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit
on.
TRAINS: Definitely male, because
they always use the same old lines for picking up people.
HOURGLASSES: Female, because over time all the weight shifts to the bottom.
HAMMERS: Male because in the last 5000 years they've hardly changed at
all and are occasionally handy to have around.
REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male but
consider this: it easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it &
while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying.
SHOE: Male, because it is usually unpolished, with
its tongue hanging out.
SWISS
ARMY KNIFE: Male, because even though it
appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just
opening bottles.
KIDNEYS: Female, because they always go to the bathroom in
pairs.
And these two, suggested by Janie Junebug at WOMEN: WE SHALL OVERCOME:
VIBRATOR: Male...keeps going when all interest is lost.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up
frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling
like a woman." She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there
someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?" A
man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Upon completion of ANY of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.
Class 1. HOW TO FILL ICE-CUBE TRAYS. Step by step with slide presentation.
Class 2. TOILET PAPER: DOES IT GROW ON THE HOLDERS? Group discussion.

And these two, suggested by Janie Junebug at WOMEN: WE SHALL OVERCOME:
ROOMBA: Obviously a woman. She cleans
until she runs out of power.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
These cars are obviously female:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A young woman was taking golf lessons and had just started playing her
first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that
she decided to return to the clubhouse for medical assistance. The golf pro saw
her heading back and said, “You are back early, what’s wrong?” “I was stung by
a bee!” she said. “Where?” he asked. “Between the first and second hole.” she
replied. He nodded and said, “Your stance is far too wide.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
For all the guys who think a woman's place is in the kitchen, remember
that's where the knives are kept.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An
Englishman went to Spain on a fishing trip. He hired a Spanish guide to help
him find the best fishing spots. Since the Englishman was learning Spanish, he
asked the guide to speak to him in Spanish and to correct any mistakes of
usage. They were hiking on a mountain trail when a very large, purple and blue
fly crossed their path. The Englishmen pointed at the insect with his fishing
rod, and said, "Mira el mosca!" The guide, sensing a teaching
opportunity, replied, "No, senor, 'la mosca'... es feminina."
The Englishman looked at him, then back at the fly, and then said, "Good
heavens... you must have incredibly good eyesight."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Everyone says the world would be better off if it was run by women.
Sure, maybe there wouldn't be violence and territorial conquests fueled by male
testosterone. But instead, we'd have a bunch of jealous countries that aren't
talking to each other.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An investigative journalist went to Afghanistan to study the culture and
was shocked to discover that women were made to walk ten paces behind the men.
She asked her guide why and he said, "Because they are considered of
lesser status." Outraged the journalist went home. A year later she
returned covering violence in the region and was surprised to see the women
walking ten paces ahead. She turned to her guide and this time asked,
"What has changed?" The guide answered, "Land mines."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man calls 911 and says, "I think my wife is dead." The
operator says, "How do you know?" The man says, "The sex is
about the same, but the ironing is piling up!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Men are like bananas.
The older they get, the less firm they are.
The older they get, the less firm they are.
Of course women don’t
work as hard as men…
They get it right the first time.
They get it right the first time.
What do you call a man
that lost all of his intelligence?
A widow.
A widow.
Why do men need sports
action replays 30 seconds after the event?
Because they’ve forgotten what happened.
Because they’ve forgotten what happened.
What do you instantly
know about a well-dressed man?
His wife is good at picking out clothes.
His wife is good at picking out clothes.
Why did God create man
first?
Because he needed a rough working model before creating the perfect specimen of the species.
Because he needed a rough working model before creating the perfect specimen of the species.
What does it mean when
a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
You didn’t hold the pillow down long enough.
You didn’t hold the pillow down long enough.
Why do men like smart
women?
Opposites attract.
Opposites attract.
What is the one thing
that all men at singles bars have in common?
They’re married.
They’re married.
What’s the smartest
thing a man can say?
“My wife says….”
“My wife says….”
Why do female black
widow spiders kill the males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.
To stop the snoring before it starts.
Why does it take 100
million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
Why did god invent men?
Because vibrators can’t mow the lawn.
Because vibrators can’t mow the lawn.
How many men does it
take to screw in a light bulb?
One … men will screw anything.
One … men will screw anything.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Here's a little something for those who think I'm too tough on men:
Q: What's the most expensive
Jewish wine?
A: "I wanna go to Florida!"
A: "I wanna go to Florida!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Yesterday
scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To
prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed
that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense,
became emotional, and couldn't drive. -- No further testing is planned.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
CLASSES AT
YOUR LOCAL ADULT LEARNING CENTER
MALE-ORGANIZED COURSES
FOR WOMEN
Note that due to the
complexity and difficulty level of the subject area, class sizes will be
limited to 5 women.
Class 1: UP IN
WINTER, DOWN IN SUMMER - HOW TO ADJUST A THERMOSTAT. Step by Step, with Slide Presentation. Meets 4
weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 pm.
Class 2: WHICH
TAKES MORE ENERGY - PUTTING THE TOILET SEAT DOWN, OR MOANING ABOUT IT FOR 3
HOURS? Round Table Discussion. Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.
Class 3: IS IT
POSSIBLE TO DRIVE PAST A MALL WITHOUT STOPPING? Group Debate. Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 pm for 2 hours.
Class 4: FUNDAMENTAL
DIFFERENCES BETWEEN A HANDBAG AND A SUITCASE .
Pictures and Explanatory Graphics. Meets Saturdays at 2:00
pm for 3 weeks.
Class 5: CURLING
IRONS - CAN THEY LEVITATE AND FLY INTO THE BATHROOM CABINET? Examples on video. Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours
beginning at 7:00 pm.
Class 6: HOW TO ASK
QUESTIONS DURING COMMERCIALS AND BE QUIET DURING THE PROGRAM. Help Line Support
and Support Groups. Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 pm.
Class 7: CAN A BATH
BE TAKEN WITHOUT 14 DIFFERENT KINDS OF SOAPS AND SHAMPOOS? Open Forum. Monday at 8:00 pm, 2 hours.
Class 8: I WAS
WRONG AND HE WAS RIGHT! REAL LIFE TESTIMONIALS. Tuesdays at 6:00 pm. Location to be determined.
Class 9: HOW TO PARALLEL
PARK IN LESS THAN 20 MINUTES WITHOUT AN INSURANCE CLAIM. Driving Simulations. Meets 4 weeks, Saturday noon, 2 hours.
Class 10: LEARNING
TO LIVE: HOW TO APPLY BRAKES WITHOUT THROWING PASSENGERS THROUGH THE
WINDSHIELD. Tuesdays at 7:00 pm. Location to be determined.
Class 11: HOW TO
SHOP BY YOURSELF.Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at
7:00 pm.
Upon completion of ANY of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.
Note: Due to the
complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight
participants each. Sign up early and get a discount on registration.
Class 1. HOW TO FILL ICE-CUBE TRAYS. Step by step with slide presentation.
Class 2. TOILET PAPER: DOES IT GROW ON THE HOLDERS? Group discussion.
Class 3.
DIFFERENCES BETWEEN THE LAUNDRY BASKET AND THE FLOOR. Practicing with hamper.
Pictures and graphics.
Class 4. THE
AFTER-DINNER DISHES AND SILVERWARE: DO THEY LEVITATE AND FLY INTO KITCHEN SINK
OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES? Debate among panel of experts.
Class 5. LOSS OF
VIRILITY: LOSING THE REMOTE CONTROL TO YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER. Help line and
support groups.
Class 6. LEARNING
HOW TO FIND THINGS, STARTING WITH LOOKING IN THE RIGHT PLACE INSTEAD OF TURNING
THE HOUSE UPSIDE DOWN WHILE SCREAMING. Open forum.
Class 7. HEALTH
WATCH: BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH. PowerPoint
presentation.
Class 8. REAL MEN
ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST. Real-life testimonial from the one man who
did.
Class 9. IS IT
GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS? Driving
simulation.
Class 10. LIVING
WITH ADULTS: BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR WIFE. Online class
and role-playing.
Class 11. HOW TO
BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION. Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing
techniques.
Class 12.
REMEMBERING BIRTHDAYS, ANNIVERSARIES, OTHER IMPORTANT DATES AND CALLING WHEN
YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE. Bring your calendar or PDA to class.
Class 13. GETTING
OVER IT: LEARNING TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME. Individual.
Men are
like a fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to
stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd
want to have dinner with----fishducky
