Wednesday, April 22, 2015

IF IT WEREN'T FOR THE INTERNET, I WOULDN'T HAVE A BLOG...

...or anywhere to post it!!

Some of my funny and/or interesting (I hope) blog material comes right out of my head, but a lot of it is emailed to me by on-line friends & I also get a lot of stuff from sites like ArcaMax & Buzzfeed.

These first ones are from Susan at I Think; Therefore I Yam. You people on my Ducky list have already seen this one:

General Al Gray, 29th Commandant of the Marine Corps

The Commandant of the Marine Corps was General Al Gray, a crusty old “Field Marine.” He loved his Marines and often slipped into the mess hall wearing a faded old field jacket without any rank or insignia on it. He would go through the chow line just like a private (In this way, he was assured of being given the same rations that the lowest enlisted man received. And, woe be it to the mess officer if the food was found to be “unfit in quality or quantity”).

Upon becoming Commandant, General Gray was expected to do a great deal of “formal entertaining”…fancy dinner parties in full dress blue uniform. Now, the General would rather have been in the field eating cold “C-rats” around a fighting hole with a bunch of young “hard charging” Marines. But the General knew his duty and as a Marine he was determined to do it to the best of his ability. During these formal parties, a detachment of highly polished Marines from “Eighth and Eye” (Marine Barracks located at 8th and I Streets in Washington, D.C., home of the Silent Drill Team) were detailed to assume the position of “parade rest” at various intervals around the ballroom where the festivities were being held.

At some point during one of these affairs, a very refined, blue-haired lady picked up a tray of pastries and went around the room offering confections to the guests. When she noticed these Marines in dress blues, standing like sculptures all around the room, she was moved with admiration. She knew that several of these men were fresh from our victory in Kuwait. She made a beeline for the closest Lance Corporal, drew near him and asked, “Would you like some pastry young man?” The young Marine snapped to “attention” and replied, “I don’t eat that shit, Ma’am.” Just as quickly, he resumed the position of” parade rest.” His gaze remained fixed on some distant point throughout the exchange. The fancy lady was completely taken aback!

She blinked, her eyes widened, her mouth dropped open. So startled was she that she immediately began to doubt what she had heard. In a quivering voice she asked, “W-W-What did you say?” The Marine snapped back to the position of “attention” (like the arm of a mousetrap smacking its wooden base). Then he said, “I don’t eat that shit, Ma’am.” And just as smartly as before, back to the position of “parade rest” he went.

This time, there was no doubt. The fancy lady immediately became incensed and felt insulted. After all, here she was an important lady, taking the time to offer something nice to this enlisted man (well below her station in life), and he had the nerve to say THAT to HER! She exclaimed, “Well! I never…!” The lady remembered that she had met that military man in charge of all these “soldiers” earlier. She spotted General Gray from across the room. He had a cigar clenched between his teeth and a camouflaged canteen cup full of bourbon in his left hand. He was talking to a group of 1st and 2nd Lieutenants.

So the blue haired lady went straight over to the Commandant and interrupted. “General, I offered some pastry to that young man over there, and do you know what he told me?” General Gray cocked his eyebrow, took the cigar out of his mouth and said, “Well, no Ma’am, I don’t.” The lady took in a deep breath, confident that she was adequately expressing with her body language her considerable rage and indignation. As she wagged her head in cadence with her words, and she paused between each word for effect, he said,” I – don’t – eat – that – shit – Ma’am!” The lieutenants were in a state of near apoplexy.

A couple of them choked back chuckles, and turned their heads to avoid having their smirks detected. The next thought that most of them had was, “God, I hope it wasn’t one of MY Marines!” and the color left their faces. General Gray wrinkled his brow, cut his eyes in the direction of the lieutenants, put his free hand to his chin and muttered a subdued, “Hmmm. Which one did you say it was Ma’am?,” the General asked.

“That tall sturdy one right over there near the window, General,” the woman said with smug satisfaction. One of the lieutenants began to look sick and put a hand on the wall for support. General Gray, seemed deep in thought, hand still to his chin, wrinkled brow. Suddenly, he looked up and his expression changed to one indicating he had made a decision. He looked the fancy lady right in the eyes and said, “Well, fuck him! Don’t give him any.”

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Several years ago, I returned home from a trip just when a storm hit, with crashing thunder and severe lightning. As I came into my bedroom about 2 a.m., I found my two children in bed with my wife, Kathy, apparently scared by the loud storm. I resigned myself to sleep in the guest bedroom that night.

The next day, I talked to the children and explained that it was O.K. to sleep with Mom when the storm was bad, but when I was expected home, please don't sleep with Mom that night. They said OK.

After my next trip several weeks later, Kathy and the children picked me up in the terminal at the appointed time. Since the plane was late, everyone had come into the terminal to wait for my plane's arrival, along with hundreds of other folks waiting for their arriving passengers. As I entered the waiting area, my son saw me, and came running shouting, "Hi, Dad! I've got some good news!"

As I waved back, I said loudly, "What's the good news?"

Alex shouted, "Nobody slept with Mommy while you were away this time!"

The airport became very quiet, as everyone in the waiting area looked at Alex, then turned to me, and then searched the rest of the area to see if they could figure out exactly who his Mom was.

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A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter."

Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown."

The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?"

She replied, "I thought I was, but my Mom says I'm not."

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A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?"

Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough."

The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"

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This one's from ArcaMax.com:

The following 15 Police Comments were taken from actual police car videos around the country. Count down to #1...

#15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they’re new. They”’ll stretch after you wear them a while."

# 14 "If you take your hands off the car, I’ll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

#13 "If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired."

#12 "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that’s the speed of the bullet that’ll be chasing you."

#11 "You don’t know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

#10 "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don’t think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I’m the shift supervisor?"

#9 "Warning! You want a warning? O. K., I’m warning you not to do that again or I’ll give you another ticket."

#8 "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

#7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poo. "

#6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

#5 "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."

#4 "How big were those ‘Just two beers’ you say you had?"

#3 "No sir, we don’t have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we’re allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

#2 "I’m glad to hear that chief (of Police) Hawker is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

The envelope please.....................AND THE WINNER IS ...

#1 "You didn’t think we give pretty women tickets? You’re right, we don’t. Sign here."