AN ASSORTMENT OF FUNNY STUFF

My last post, FROM ARMADILLOS TO ZEDONKS--MY A TO Z CHALLENGE IN ONE DAY, was inadvertently published early, then late & in some cases, not at all.  If you missed it & would like to read it, click here. 

Thanks, River (driftingthroughlife.com)

"To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty, to find the best in others; to leave the world a little better; whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is the meaning of success." --Ralph Waldo Emerson 

If you remember the Original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this may bring a tear to your eyes. 

These great questions and answers are from the days when ' Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course...

Q. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?

A. Paul Lynde:  Loneliness! (The audience laughed so long & hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show.)

Q. Do female frogs croak? 
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough. 

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be? 
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it. 

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years. 
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes. 

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman? 
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake. 

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married? 

A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year? 

A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy. 

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other? 

A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark. 

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people? 

A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected. 

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do? 

A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple has a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him. 

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they? 

A. Charley Weaver: His feet. 

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An American tourist went into a restaurant in a Spanish provincial city for dinner, and asked to be served the specialty of the house. When the dish arrived, he asked what kind of meat it contained. "Senor, these are the cojones," the waiter replied. "The what, you say?" exclaimed the tourist. "They are the testicles of the bull killed in the ring today," explained the waiter. The tourist gulped but tasted the dish anyway, and found it delicious. 

Returning the following evening, he asked for the same dish. After he finished the meal, the tourist commented to the waiter: "Today's cojones are much saltier and smaller than the ones I had yesterday." "That may be, senor," agreed the waiter, "But the bull, he does not always lose."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I'd like to apologize in advance for this one:

A Scottish old timer is in a bar, talking to a young man.  The old man says: "Lad, look out there to the field.  Do ya see that fence?  Look how well it's built.  I built that fence stone by stone with me own two hands.  I piled it for months.  But do they call me McGreggor-the-Fence-Builder?  Nooo..."   

Then the old man gestured at the bar.  "Look here at the bar.  Do ya see how smooth and just it is?  I planed that surface down by me own achin' back.  I carved that wood with me own hard labor, for eight days. But do they call me McGreggor-the-Bar-builder? Nooo..."  

Then the old man points out the window.  "Hey, Laddy, look out to sea.  Do ya see that pier that stretches out as far as the eye can see?  I built that pier with the sweat off me back.  I nailed it board by board.  But do they call me McGreggor-the-Pier-Builder?  Nooo..."   

Then the old man looks around nervously, trying to make sure no one else is paying attention. He leans closer to the young man and says "But ya fuck one goat.......”

SOME GREAT VIDEOS:

                                        

According to a new report, there is a shrine in Japan solely dedicated to hemorrhoids.Seating is limited, but usually available----Seth Meyers (& fishducky)