(A reworked post from October 2012)
My friend Bonnie & I were playing golf behind a very slow group of men. She exasperatedly asked me why it is that men will spend 10 minutes looking for a lost ball, but they won’t take 5 seconds to find your “G spot”!!
Here’s another of hers: Bonnie & my very prim & proper (appearing) mother-in-law, Audrey, were among our guests at a formal luncheon. I don’t think they had met before. They were sitting next to each other. Something gooey, chocolaty & decadently delicious was served for dessert. Bonnie tasted it & said without thinking, as she was prone to do, “My God, this is better than sex!!” & was instantly embarrassed because of who her luncheon partner was. She fell in love with Audrey when she smiled & replied, “Yes, it is--& you don’t have to wash up afterwards, either!!”
Then there’s my friend, Bernice. Her husband had Alzheimer’s & had become very argumentative. He had become nearly impossible to live with. Shortly after his death she & I were marketing together. We were at the meat counter. She told me she was buying a steak for dinner. She said that she had had steak the previous night, but she felt like having steak again & now that she only had herself to be concerned about, she could have whatever she wanted. Bernice looked at me & said, “There MUST be a downside to being a widow, but so far I haven’t found what it is!!”
And I certainly can’t forget Barbara! She & I sometimes used to act like a lesbian couple. WE ARE BOTH STRAIGHT!! We were in WalMart & had our purchases in the same cart. I unloaded mine & then helped her unload hers. She said, coyly, “You’re so strong & powerful—thank you!!” I lowered my voice & said, “You’re welcome, Honey.” I paid for my things, loaded both hers & mine into the cart & told her I was taking it outside to have a cigarette while she paid for her stuff. Apparently she didn’t hear me because she looked around & asked the cashier where her things were. The cashier said, “Your—uh, your, uh—your FRIEND took them out!!”
Barbara & I were playing golf when I slipped & broke my left wrist. After finally convincing her that my wrist really hurt & that it wasn’t that I wanted to quit because I was playing poorly, she drove me to the ER. She was in the room with me when the doctor told me I’d have to remove my engagement & wedding ring because my hand would swell up. I took them off & handed them to Barb who tearfully said, “You’ve been promising me these rings forever & you had to break your wrist for me to get them!” The look that passed between the doctor & the nurse was priceless!!
Lots of cartoons today:
Money can't buy friends, but you can get a better class of enemy----Spike Milligan (& fishducky)