God would
like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better serve your
needs, He asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions.
Please
keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely confidential,
and that you need not disclose your name or address unless you prefer a
direct response to comments or suggestions.
1. How did you find out about God?
__ Newspaper
__ Television
__ Word of mouth
__ Google
__ Torah
__ Bible
__ Koran
__ Other Book
__ Graffiti
__ Divine Inspiration
__ Saw His face on a grilled cheese sandwich
__ Near Death Experience
__ Friend or Relative
__ Other: (Please explain) ______________________________________
2. Are you
currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God?
Please check all that apply.
__ Tarot
__ Horoscope
__ Fortune cookies
__ Ouija boards
__ Self-help books
__ Biorhythms
__ Movies
__ Mantras
__ Insurance policies
__ Crossing fingers
__ Lottery
__ Television
__ Ann Landers
__ Other: (Please explain) ______________________________________
__ None
3. God
employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve the balanced level
of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer? (Circle
one)
a. More Divine Intervention
b. Less Divine Intervention
c. Current level of Divine Intervention is just right
d. Don't know
4. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5 his handling of the following: (1=unsatisfactory, 5=excellent)
a. Disasters (flood, famine, earthquake, war)
1 2 3 4 5
b. Miracles (rescues, spontaneous remission of disease, sports upsets)
1 2 3 4 5
5. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of
God's services? (Attach an additional sheet if necessary):
____________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________
arcamax (with adjustments by fishducky)
One of my favorite jokes:
One of my favorite jokes:
Sadie, a middle-aged woman, has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she has a near death experience. During that experience she sees God and asks Him if this is it. God says no and tells her that she has another 30 years, 4 months and 6 days to live.
Upon her recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck, etc. She even has someone come in and change her hair color. She figures since she’s got another 30 years she might as well make the most of it.
She walks out of the hospital after the last operation and is killed by an ambulance speeding by. She arrives in front of God and complains, “I thought you said I had another 30 plus years.”
God says, "Sadie, is that you? I didn't recognize you!!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem!"
"What's the problem, Eve?"
"Lord, I know you created me and all of this beautiful garden and all of these amazing animals and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."
"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above. "Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples."
"Well Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."
"What's a man, Lord?"
"Man will be a flawed creature, with many wretched traits. He'll lie, cheat and be vainglorious; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But... he'll be bigger, stronger, and will like to hunt and kill things. He will look silly when he's aroused, but since you've been complaining, I'll make him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be too smart, so he'll also need your advice to think properly."
"Man will be a flawed creature, with many wretched traits. He'll lie, cheat and be vainglorious; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But... he'll be bigger, stronger, and will like to hunt and kill things. He will look silly when he's aroused, but since you've been complaining, I'll make him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be too smart, so he'll also need your advice to think properly."
"Sounds wonderful!" says Eve, " but what's the catch, Lord?"
"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring... So you'll have to let him believe that I made him first. Just remember, it's our little secret... You know, woman to woman."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Top Ten Reasons Eve Was Created
10. God
was worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the garden because he
would not ask for directions.
9. God
knew that one day Adam would require someone to locate and hand him the remote.
8. God
knew Adam would never go out and buy himself a new fig leaf when his wore out
and would therefore need Eve to buy one for him.
7. God
knew Adam would never be able to make a doctor”s, dentist, or haircut appointment
for himself.
6. God
knew Adam would never remember which night to put the garbage on the curb.
5. God
knew if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle the
pain of childbearing.
4. As the
Keeper of the Garden, Adam would never remember where he left his tools.
3.
Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him
hiding in the garden.
2. As the
Bible says, It is not good for man to be alone!
And the
#1 reason why God created Eve...
1. When God
finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched his head, and
said, "I can do better than that!"
When you do a good deed get a receipt (in case heaven is like the IRS)----fishducky
