Thursday, June 4, 2015


If you're in the job market right now you might want to familiarize yourself with the Human Resources Lingo... 


We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors. 


We have no time to train you. 


We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up. 


You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day. 


Some time each night and some time each weekend. 


Anyone in the office can boss you around. 


We have no quality control. 


If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled. 


We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality. 


You'll need it to replace three people who just left. 


You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos. 


You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect. 


Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.

Recently, a magazine ran a contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real-life managers. Here are some of the submissions:

- As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks. (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp in Redmond, WA.) 

- What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter. (Lykes Lines Shipping)

- E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)

- This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it. (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service) 

- Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them. (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.) 

- Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say." (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation) 

- We recently received a memo from senior management saying: "This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject mentioned above." (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division) 

- One day my Boss asked for a status report concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!" (New business manager, Hallmark Greeting Cards.)

I found this great list of dumb boss quotes at mappingcompanysuccess.com.

"I’ve noticed that our ‘cost of goods sold’ rise whenever we experience greater sales. What can we do to reverse this trend?”

“I’m getting a new company car new week. Please call the dealer and ask him to delay the delivery until after Wednesday’s layoffs. I want to appear sensitive.”

“I’m sorry if I ever gave you the impression your input would have any effect on my final decision.”

“I threw your suggestion away. Only managers can make suggestions.”

“If you are on schedule, then your plan was not aggressive enough. If you are behind schedule, you must be goofing off.”

"Don’t worry, give it a try. You have nothing to fear but failure, demotion and termination.”

“You are not here to think, you are here to do.”

"Frankly, I know I hired you, but you have to admit… you have no talent.”
A large company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. This new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business! 

The new CEO walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, "How much money do you make a week?" 

A little surprised, the young fellow looked at him and replied, "I make $300.00 a week. Why?" 

The CEO then handed the guy $1,200 in cash and screamed, "Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back." 

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?" 

From across the room came a voice, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

A boss has a piece of paper in his hand & comes into an office where another man is sitting next to a shredding machine. 

"Do you know how to operate this thing?" he asks. "I have an important paper here and I want to make sure this is done right." 

"Sure," the other man answers. "Just put the paper in here and press this button." 

The boss puts the paper in, presses the button & says, "Grea!!. And where do the copies come out?"

For many years I worked as a receptionist and switchboard operator at a busy company. After a good annual review, my supervisor told me I was up for a raise, pending approval of the vice president.

A month later, my supervisor called me into his office and told me the VP had refused to approve the raise. His reason? I clearly wasn't doing my job. Every time he saw me, I was either chatting with someone in the lobby or talking on the phone.

These next 3 I found in an old Reader's Digest:

Everyone who disagrees with me signify by saying “I resign"----fishducky