## Tuesday, June 9, 2015

### STUFF I LEARNED ONLINE

George Carlin taught me about ageing via arcamax:

### -- Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.

-- "How old are you?" "I'm four and a half!" You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five!

-- You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.

-- "How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16!" You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life...you become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony... YOU BECOME 21. YES!!! But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk. He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're Just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed? You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50... and your dreams are gone. But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would! So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60. You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!

-- You get into your 80s and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn't end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; "I Was JUST 92." Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half!" May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!

How to Stay Young:

1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay them .

2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.

3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle. "An idle mind is the devil's workshop." And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.

4. Enjoy the simple things.

5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with us our entire life is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.

7. Surround yourself with what you love, Whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.

8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county; to a foreign country but NOT to where the guilt is.

10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER: Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.
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### Dieting?  For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health, as taught by arcamax.  It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION:

Eat and drink what you like.

Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
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But even arcamax, in all of its wisdom, didn't have the answers to these:

-- Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

-- Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt."

-- Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

-- If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

-- Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

-- If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

-- If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

-- Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

-- Stop singing and read on..

-- Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride he sticks his head out the window?

-- Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

When I hit 80, it hit me back----fishducky