Friday, July 10, 2015


"Lexophile" describes those who have a love for altering the meaning of similar sounding words, such as "you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish," or "to write with a broken pencil is pointless." A competition is held every year to see who can come up with the best ones.

Here they are; the results of The Lexophile Contest.  This year's winning submission is  at the very end:

When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.

The batteries were given out free of charge.

A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

A will is a dead giveaway.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

A boiled egg is hard to beat.

When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

Police were called to a day care center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.

He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she'd dye.

.Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.

And the cream of the wretched crop:

Those who get too big for their pants will be exposed in the end.

And some others:

Did you hear about the guy get fired from the orange juice factory because he couldn't concentrate?

What do you call a snooty felon going down the stairs?  A condescending con descending.

I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but he turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

A horse walks into a bar...the trainer says, "Next time, jump"

She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

No matter how much you push the envelope it'll still be stationery.

A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway.  One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

The midget fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

Two fish swim into a concrete wall.  One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'

I made a belt out of watches.  It was a waist of time.

Did you hear about the calendar thief? He got 12 months; they say his days are numbered.

Running out of sausage is a busy pizza maker's wurst nightmare. 

He arrived late at the party to find he was beaten to the punch.

An energy saving tip: If your mind goes blank, don't forget to turn off the sound----fishducky