Tuesday, September 29, 2015


The Ramses brand condom is named after the great pharaoh Ramses II who fathered over 160 children. 
A true story out of San Francisco: 

A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch & wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." 

 While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. 

After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo 
deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. 

Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.
Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie, but the glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher. 
Before you could leave a message on someone's phone, there was the answering machine.  Bud, for some reason only he understood, refused to buy one.  We finally got ours when it was offered as a bonus for something I was going to buy anyway.  Our first outgoing message was, "You have reached 310 xxx-xxxx.  If this call is for Fran, please leave a message.  If it's for Bud, don't bother.  He doesn't believe in these things & he won't call you back!!"
Ben and Jerry's send the waste from making ice cream to local pig farmers to use as feed. Pigs love the stuff, except for one flavor: Mint Oreo. 
My cousin's husband was playing golf with Bud & two other friends.  He hit a long drive & his ball landed on what appeared to be a pile of wet leaves next to a water hazard.  He walked up to the ball & almost disappeared.  The water hazard extended further than he thought & he sank into it up to his chest!!  He did what any dedicated golfer would do.  He got into the golf cart, drove to the pro shop, bought new clothes, changed into them & continued the game!!
Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors. 
A young woman wasn't feeling well, and asked one of her co-workers to recommend a physician.

"I know a great one in the city, but he is very expensive. Five hundred dollars for the first visit, and one hundred dollars for each one after that." 

The woman went to the doctor's office and, trying to save a little money, cheerily announced, "I'm back!" 

Not fooled for a second, the doctor quickly examined her and said, "Very good, just continue the treatment I prescribed on your last visit."
111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321 
This is probably a good place for this bunch of corny jokes:

Doctor, Doctor I feel like a pair of curtains. 
Pull yourself together, man!!

Doctor, Doctor, everyone keeps ignoring me. 

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking there is two of me. 
One at a time, please. 

Doctor, Doctor, some days I feel like a teepee and other days I feel like a wigwam. 
You're too tents. 

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm invisible. 
Who said that? 

Doctor, Doctor My little boy has just swallowed a roll of film! 
Let's hope nothing develops. 

Doctor, Doctor I've lost my memory! 
When did this happen? 
When did what happen? 

Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a pack of cards. 
I'll deal with you later. 

Doctor, Doctor my son has swallowed my pen, what should I do? 
Use a pencil.

It has occurred to me lately that nothing has occurred to me lately----fishducky