READ THE NEW DAILY FISHDUCKY TIMES JOURNAL GLOBE EXAMINER POST DISPATCH COURIER TRIBUNE CHRONICLE REGISTER HERALD BULLETIN SENTINEL MESSENGER (BY THE TIME YOU FINISH READING OUR NAME, THE NEWS IS OLD!!)

Our motto:

All the news that fits we print!!

We will keep you up to date on every subject.

Our headlines are always clear & concise, explaining the story.

Some examples:

1.	Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
2.	Joint Committee Investigates Marijuana Use
3.	Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
4.	Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Ax
5.	Tiger Woods plays with own balls, Nike says
6.	Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
7.	Blind woman gets new kidney from dad she hasn't seen in years
8.	Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
9.	Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years at Checkout Counter
10.	Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
11.	Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
12.	Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
13.	Kicking Baby Considered to Be Healthy
14.	Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
15.	Stolen Painting Found by Tree
16.	Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
17.	Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
18.	If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
19.	Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
20.	New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Here are some samples of true stories we have printed.

On politics:

BREMERTON, Wash. -- Two candidates. One seat on the city council. And one very unique bond. Roy Runyon, a six-year incumbent representing District 6, learned this week that his wife, Kim Faulkner, filed for his seat. The couple is married and living together.

"I just sat down and said I think the city of Bremerton, District 6, needs more qualified people to run for office," said Faulkner, sitting next to her husband at a coffee shop. "I'm going to put my name in the hat." "I was surprised," said Runyon. "I said, 'Boy, you could do a really good job.'" Runyon added, "She has a different approach, which might serve the citizens. She's eminently qualified. She's not experienced in government. But she does have a different approach."

As for her husband, Faulkner gives him the grade of A-. "I feel Bremerton has a lot more we need to do," she said, still sitting next to her husband. "He's very straightforward with his approach. Maybe a softer approach would be better." And then there was this: "I feel I'd be the better candidate."

On science & nature:

BONN, Germany -- Researchers found plants give off a gas when under 'attack'. Super-sensitive microphones picked up a 'bubbling' sound from a healthy plant, but this rose to a piercing screech when it was under threat. Even a tiny insect bite could have an effect.

"The more a plant is subjected to stress, the louder the signal," said Dr Frank Kühnemann. Plants do not actually scream in pain, but different sounds are heard when the gas they emit, ethylene, is bombarded with lasers.

The research could help to work out which pieces of fruit and vegetables are likely to stay fresh longer, as a cucumber which is starting to go off produces a squealing sound.  It could then be separated from the fresher ones.

On sports:

PORT DOUGLAS, Queensland -- It’s hard to get a hole in one, but this golfer got four--in his leg!!  John Lahiff, 75, told local media that he disturbed a crocodile while looking for a ball he had hit in the water. He was taken to hospital with a deep laceration to his shin and puncture wounds to his calf, but said he would not be put off playing golf. He told ABC News he would try not to hit balls into the water in future.

Crocodiles are a common sight on the golf course, Australian media reported, and signs warn players of the dangers. Police Senior Sergeant James Coate told ABC that the 1.2m (4ft) saltwater crocodile had been in a waterway on the 11th hole.

Mr Lahiff, speaking from Cairns Hospital, said he had seen crocodiles there before and "should have realized to be a bit more aware". "I didn't see the croc sunbaking just on the edge of the water. I walked past it and then it got me on the way back and as soon as it grabbed me it took off into the water."

He managed to drive himself back to the club house to get help.




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And not one, but two advice columns, both written by men:

And, of course, a large comic section:

 

That was all the news I saw fit to print today----fishducky