God
was playing in the dust (which, incidentally, supports the theory that God is
male) & rolled some in his hands. He
played around with it until it began to take the shape of a man & breathed
life into him. God then gave the man, whom
he named Adam, the job of naming all the animals on Earth. Adam looked at the giraffe & said, "Joe". The hippo looked like a "Fred" to him & the ostrich a "Martha". God told him, "Never mind. I'll do it myself." He thought Adam might be lonely with only animals for company. Although God was not a licensed surgeon he
put Adam under anesthesia & removed a rib, figuring he had plenty of others
to spare. (This is where the term “spare
ribs” comes from. Barbecue sauce was not
invented until much later.) He molded the rib into a woman, named her Eve
& woke Adam.
Adam
took one look at Eve & asked God, “What is that?” God said, “This is
your counterpart--your companion. She is
just like you.” Adam said, “No, she’s
not. Look at her chest; it’s all loose
& bouncy & she doesn’t even have a thingie down here, just a hole!!”
God told him that He had only enough dust to make either a thingie or a brain & He’d
decided (after His first attempt) that a brain would be the better choice. He asked Adam if he
wanted her or not & Adam reluctantly agreed to keep her for a trial period.
God
told them that they could eat all the fruit & vegetables they wanted from the Garden of Eden except
the apple from the Tree of Knowledge of Good & Evil. The devil entered into a serpent & told
her to eat one; that she’d get smart.
(Serpents were like an early form of Roach Motels—you could go in but
you can’t come out.) She ate one &
gave one to Adam & they realized that they were naked. Soon God dropped in for a visit & they asked
Him to wait while they got dressed.
Since they had no prior knowledge of nakedness, that immediately made Him
aware of what they’d done. He told them
that they would be punished for disobeying Him.
He said Adam would have to work for minimum wage until comprehensive
laws were passed & that Eve would suffer pain in childbirth—it was gonna
hurt!! Eve asked, “What is childbirth,
Lord?” God told her, “You’ll find out, Missy!!”
One
day Adam wondered if his thingie was good for anything besides peeing & what would happen if he put it
into Eve’s hole when he noticed it was getting stiffer & growing. He yelled, “Stand back—I don’t know how
big this thing’s gonna get!!” They soon
figured it out & although she did indeed
suffer pain during childbirth, it didn’t slow them down. They had 33 sons & 23 daughters. (If TV had been invented & there were
other people who could be an audience they would probably have had a show
called “56 Kids & Counting”. As a matter of fact, if there had been TV, they probably wouldn't have had so many kids. There was very little else in the way of entertainment in Eden.)
Having so many children was probably the reason they died early. I don’t know Eve’s age when she passed away but Adam
was only 930 years old.
Like many
parents since that time, they had trouble with some of their children.
Their first two sons were Cain & Abel. Cain was a crop farmer and his younger brother Abel was
a shepherd. They got into an argument & Cain
killed his brother, which even then was a no-no. Cain had an attitude
& when God asked him where his brother was he said, “Yo!! You talkin’
to me?” He then decided
it would be a good idea to leave town; so he did. He married a woman who was probably his sister magically appeared out of nowhere
& they had a son, Enoch.
(To be continued.)
Another version of the Cain & Abel story:
Don't forget to put an offering in the collection plate on your way out----fishducky
