Tuesday, October 20, 2015


I am SO sick of these hot flashes!!

I have finally reached the ripe old age of 36 (all right, 81!) & have long since completed the change of life.  Don't ask me what I was before I changed!! I remember this, though:

Several years ago, Bud & I took a cruise to Mexico.  The ship docked near a beautiful lagoon so the passengers could go swimming in the ocean.  We were in our bathing suits & my hair was soaking wet & plastered to my head.  Next to us was a man with his two small children who were wondering out loud if the water was too cold to swim in.  The father suggested to his kids that they ask me, because it was obvious that I had just been swimming.  I hadn't gone in yet!!   I don't know if I was having a hot flash or if it was the weather--or a combination of both.
My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring so he would be able to monitor my moods.

We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green. 

When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big red mark on his forehead.

Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond . . .
Take all American women who are in menopause, train us for a few weeks, outfit us with automatic weapons, grenades, gas masks, moisturizer with SPF15, Prozac, hormones, chocolate, and canned tuna. Drop us (parachuted, preferably) across the landscape of Afghanistan, and let us do what comes naturally.

Think about it. Our anger quotient alone, even when doing standard stuff like grocery shopping and paying bills, is formidable enough to make even armed men in turbans tremble.

We've had our children; we would gladly suffer or die to protect them and their future. We'd like to get away from our husbands, if they haven't left already. And for those of us who are single, the prospect of finding a good man with whom to share life is about as likely as being struck by lightning. We have nothing to lose.

We've survived the water diet, the protein diet, the carbohydrate diet, and the grapefruit diet in gyms and saunas across America and never lost a pound. We can easily survive months in the hostile terrain of Afghanistan with no food at all!

We've spent years tracking down our husbands or lovers in bars, hardware stores, or sporting events . . . finding a terrorist in some cave will be no problem.

Uniting all the warring tribes of Afghanistan in a new government? Oh, please . . . we've planned the seating arrangements for in-laws and extended families at Thanksgiving dinners for years, trust me, we understand tribal warfare.

Between us, we've divorced enough husbands to know every trick there is for how they hide, launder, or cover up bank accounts and money sources. We know how to find that money and we know how to seize it . . . with or without the government's help!!

Let us go and fight. The Taliban hates women. Imagine their terror as we crawl like ants with hot-flashes over their godforsaken terrain.

I'm going to write my Congresswoman. You should, too!!
Introducing the new, improved MIDLIFE BARBIE: Now at long last, here are some NEW Barbie dolls to coincide with her and OUR aging gracefully. These are a bit more realistic . . .

Bifocals Barbie - Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames in six wild colors (half-frames too!), neck chain and large-print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living.

Hot Flash Barbie - Press Barbie's belly-button and watch her face turn beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead. Comes with hand held fan and tiny tissues.

Facial Hair Barbie - As Barbie's hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow. Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror.

Flabby Arms Barbie - Hide Barbie's droopy triceps with these new, roomier-sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front too - muumuus with tummy-support panels are included.

Bunion Barbie - Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have definitely taken their toll on Barbie's dainty arched feet. Soothe her sores with pumice stone and plasters, then slip on soft terry mules.

No-More-Wrinkles Barbie - Erase those pesky crow's feet and lip lines with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle from Barbie's own line of exclusive age-blasting cosmetics.

Mid-Life Crisis Barbie - It's time to ditch Ken. Barbie needs a change, and Biff (her personal trainer) is just what the doctor ordered, along with Prozac. They're hopping in her new red Ferrari and heading for the Napa Valley to open a Bed and Breakfast. Includes a tape of "Breaking Up is Hard to Do."

Divorced Barbie - Sells for $199.99. Comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, and Ken's boat.

Post-Menopausal Barbie - This Barbie wets her pants when she sneezes, forgets where she puts things, and cries a lot. She is sick and tired of Biff sitting on the couch watching the tube, clicking through the channels. Comes with Depends and Kleenex. As a bonus, the book "Getting in Touch with Your Inner Self" is included.


This is the song, "Heat Wave":

These are the lyrics to "Hot Flash"
from Menopause the Musical,
sung to the same tune:

I'm having a hot flash
A tropical hot flash
My personal summer is really a bummer
I'm having a hot flash.
Comes on like a car crash
No warning just hot flash
Outside it is nippy, but I'm hot and drippy
I'm having a hot flash

Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the hell happened----fishducky