Monday, October 26, 2015


God was really pissed off at how evil & sacrilegious people had become & told His wife that He decided to off mankind from the face of the earth. Mrs. God insisted that there must be somebody worth saving. To stop her from nagging avoid an argument, He conceded that there was one righteous man among all the people of that time, Noah. God told Noah to build an ark for him and his family in preparation for a catastrophic flood that would destroy every living thing on earth.  Noah said, “Do you really think it’s going to rain, Lord?  It’s beautiful outside & I’ve got plans to play golf with some of my friends tomorrow.  Besides, I’m not very good with my hands & I’ve no idea how to build an ark!!”

God told Noah to go ahead & play golf the next day, but not to stop for a beer afterward.  He told him He would email him a blueprint with complete instructions & that He wanted him to get started on the project right away.

Noah finished his game (he had three mulligans & a slice that wouldn’t quit), got home & opened his email.  The blueprints called for gopher wood & said the ark was to be 300 cubits long, 50 cubits wide & 30 cubits high & that he was to put two of each animal on Earth in it & enough food for the animals & Noah’s family.  He emailed God back: “I’ve already got problems, Lord, LOL!!  I’m 600 years old & I don’t move as fast as I used to a hundred or so years ago.  I guess I can get my sons to schlepp all that wood here but I have no idea how long a cubit is.  My steel tape only has markings for inches, feet & centimeters.  However big a cubit is, I don’t think that would be big enough to hold all the animals You want to be on board.  And are You sure You really want to keep roaches & mosquitos?”  God replied, “Do it your way!!  Just let me know when you’re finished.”  Noah added, “OK, Lord. But it’ll take a while--besides the building, someone will have to go to the Arctic to get the polar bears & down to Antarctica for the penguins, for example.  And how will we store our food?  Refrigeration hasn’t been invented yet, You know!!”

Noah obeyed everything God commanded him to do, with a few minor adjustments, the main one being to store quite a few cases of air freshener.  Not having checked Angie’s List to find a reliable contractor, it took 100 years to complete the ark.  After all the creatures, including Mr. & Mrs. Noah & all the little Noahettes entered the ark, rain fell on the earth for a period of forty days & nights. The waters flooded the earth for a hundred & fifty days & the ark came to rest on Mt. Ararat. Noah & his family continued to wait for almost eight more months while the surface of the earth dried out so they wouldn’t track mud on Mrs. Noah’s clean decks & incur her anger.

Finally, God invited Noah to come out of the ark.  God promised never again to destroy all the living creatures as He had just done. Later He established a covenant with Noah: "Never again will there be a flood to destroy the earth.  There may, however, be hydrogen bombs, swine flu & Facebook, so be good!!"  As a sign of this everlasting covenant God set a rainbow in the clouds.
(To be continued.)

For every human being on earth there are 1,600,000 ants.  You can have mine----fishducky