I'm so glad to have this
opportunity to get rid of all this stuff that's been in my "Notes" file bring you all these interesting & entertaining things that I've found. They're in no particular order, so let's just get started:
The first two things happened years ago, when Bud was still practicing law:
Early in the morning he was scheduled to be in court, Bud had a gallbladder attack & I took him to the ER. After a while he felt better & didn't want to postpone the hearing. I didn't feel safe letting him drive, so I took him & waited in the courtroom. The judge came out & said, "The court will hear the Fischer divorce now." Bud replied, "Your Honor, my wife is in the courtroom & I'm afraid you've made her a little nervous. Would you mind referring to it by my client's name as the S----- divorce?"
There was a judge who was about five foot nothing tall & extremely nearsighted. So much so that to read papers lying on his desk he would have to lean way over & almost touch them with his nose. His bench was raised so that when he was reading, he couldn't be seen by the attorneys or the other people in the courtroom. The other attorney was questioning his client when he went to look at the judge & saw no one. He said, in a fairly loud voice, "Where is that son of a bitch?" The judge sat upright, smiled, waved his gavel & said, in a singsong voice, "Here I am!!"
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The first two things happened years ago, when Bud was still practicing law:
Early in the morning he was scheduled to be in court, Bud had a gallbladder attack & I took him to the ER. After a while he felt better & didn't want to postpone the hearing. I didn't feel safe letting him drive, so I took him & waited in the courtroom. The judge came out & said, "The court will hear the Fischer divorce now." Bud replied, "Your Honor, my wife is in the courtroom & I'm afraid you've made her a little nervous. Would you mind referring to it by my client's name as the S----- divorce?"
There was a judge who was about five foot nothing tall & extremely nearsighted. So much so that to read papers lying on his desk he would have to lean way over & almost touch them with his nose. His bench was raised so that when he was reading, he couldn't be seen by the attorneys or the other people in the courtroom. The other attorney was questioning his client when he went to look at the judge & saw no one. He said, in a fairly loud voice, "Where is that son of a bitch?" The judge sat upright, smiled, waved his gavel & said, in a singsong voice, "Here I am!!"
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A woman was on vacation in Texas, and was appalled by
Dallas' chaotic traffic. She asked the bellhop at the hotel
why it was so disorderly and was told, "In
some countries they drive on the right, in others on the left. Here we drive in
the shade."
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U.S.
doctors have found that the Bee Gees disco song "Stayin' Alive"
provides an ideal beat to follow while performing chest compressions as part of
CPR on a heart attack victim. The 1977 hit song has a rhythm of 103 beats per
minute (bpm), which is close to the recommended rate of at least 100 chest
compressions per 60 seconds that should be delivered during CPR. In fact, the
American Heart Association (AHA) officially recommends that if you see someone
collapse, you should "call 9-1-1 and push hard and fast in the center of
the chest to the beat of the classic disco song "Stayin' Alive."
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William P. Holcomb, whose job was to supervise
the tracking down of Houston, Texas parking ticket violators, lost his
job when it was revealed that he had 375 unpaid tickets.
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If you'd like to visit a different type of museum,
click here.
This Week's Cooking Diary
click here.
A donkey is an "ass", but an ass is
not always a donkey. The word "ass" refers to several hoofed mammals
of the genus Equus, including the onager. More people are killed by donkeys
annually than are killed in plane crashes.
It is not known how many people are killed annually in plane crashes
when donkeys are the pilots.
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This Week's Cooking Diary
Monday:
I decided I was going to cook for my husband Danny. Today, I made an angel food
cake. The recipe said to beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice
enough to loan me some extra bowls.
Tuesday:
Danny wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said to serve without dressing.
So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Danny brought a friend home for supper.
Wednesday:
A good day for rice. The recipe said to wash thoroughly before steaming the
rice. It seemed kind of silly, but I took a bath anyway. I can't say it
improved the rice any.
Thursday:
Today, Danny asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said to prepare
the ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Danny
asked me why I was rolling around in the garden.
Friday:
I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said to put the ingredients in a bowl
and beat it. There must be something wrong with the recipe. When I got back,
everything was the same as when I left.
Saturday:
Danny did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress
it for Sunday. For some reason he keeps counting to ten.
Sunday:
We had some people over for dinner. I wanted to serve a roast, but all I had
was hamburger. Suddenly, I had a flash of genius. I put the hamburger in the
oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my
disappointment.
This has been a very exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on
Danny. If I can talk him into buying a bigger oven, I would like to surprise
him with Chocolate Moose.
arcamax
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While we're on the subject of food, how about 10 diet rules for cheaters:
1. If
you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are
cancelled out by the diet soda.
3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you don't eat more
than they do.
4. Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot chocolate, brandy,
toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.
5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.
6. Movie related foods (Milk Duds, Buttered Popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots,
Tootsie Rolls, etc.) do not have additional calories because they are part of
the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel.
7. Cookie pieces contain no fat-- the process of breaking causes fat leakage.
8. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the
process of preparing something. Examples are peanut butter on a knife making a
sandwich and ice cream on a spoon making a sundae.
9. Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. Examples
are: spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and white chocolate.
NOTE: Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food
color.
10. Foods that are frozen have no calories because calories are units of heat.
Examples are ice cream, frozen pies, and Popsicles.
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You
have a blind spot in each of your eyes.
That’s
because humans have an inside-out
retina. This
means that nerve fibers are in front of the retina, blocking light. But
in octopuses and squids, nerve fibers are located behind the
retina, so they don’t have a blind spot. You can check out your blind spot by
looking at this GIF. Close your right eye and stare at the cross with your left
eye. You’ll notice the red dot disappear then reappear in your peripheral
vision. This is your blind spot.
Here are some cartoons I haven't yet run:
If lawyers are
disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be
delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons
debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?----fishducky
