Friday, January 29, 2016


We know that Marie Antoinette said, "Let them eat cake".  Patrick Henry said, "I know not what course others may take; but as for me, give me liberty or give me death!" & that Julius Caesar said, "Et tu, Brute?" but do you suppose anyone ever said these last words?:

I'll get a world record for this. 

It's fireproof. 

He's probably hibernating. 

I'm making a citizen's arrest. 

So, you're a cannibal. 

Are you sure the power is off? 

Yeah, I made the deciding vote on the jury, so what of it? 

I've seen this done on TV. 

These are the good kind of mushrooms. 

Let it down slowly. 

Rat poison only kills rats. 

Just take whatever you want, this is a ghost town. 

It's strong enough to hold both of us. 

This doesn't taste right. 

Nice doggy. 

I've done this before. 

Well, we've made it this far. 

That's odd. 

Don't be so superstitious. 
(source unknown)

Not my last words, but my favorite words to hear, "Dinner's ready"!!---- fishducky


Thursday, January 28, 2016



I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. 

She smiled and told me not to worry as they were trained professionals and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"

Illiterate? Write today for free help. 

Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again. 

Stock up and save. Limit: one. 

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too. 

Vacation Special: have your home exterminated. Get rid of aunts. Zap does the job in 24 hours. 

Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast. 

Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here first. 

Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink. 

And now, the Superstore-unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience. 

We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home.
Sorry—I can’t remember the source!!
How about this epitaph?  He was a simple man who died of complications
(I am delivering to a customer who placed their order online. When I get to the door I begin reading off the ticket to make sure everything is correct and accounted for, as is standard procedure, when the customer interrupts me.)

Customer: “And what kind of cheese did you put on it?”
Me: “I believe we use mozzarella and parmesan.”
Customer: “NO! That is NOT what I ordered! You were supposed to make it with Ezon cheese!” *pronouncing ‘ezon’ with a pretentious French accent*
Me: “Um… Sorry, but I’ve never heard of this cheese, and as far as I know we don’t use it.”
Customer: *in a condescending tone* “Well, of course you haven’t heard of it. Maybe if you weren’t so ignorant you’d have a real job instead of delivering pizzas. And apparently even that’s too hard for you because you don’t even know what kind of cheese you use. You’ll probably end up making a career out of getting pregnant for welfare checks.”
Me: “Actually sir, I’m just doing this for extra cash while I’m in University. And since I also do inventory and prep work, I’m certain we don’t carry this type of cheese.”
Customer: “Well, I clicked the button for it on your website! That’s what I asked for and that’s what I was supposed to get!”
(Snatching the receipt out of my hands, then shoving it right up in my face.)
Customer: “GOD, it’s right there on the receipt! SEE?! Eeeeee-zonnn cheeeeeese!”
Me: *suddenly understanding and laughing* “No.”
Customer: “No?! What do you mean NO?!”
Me: “You clicked the button for ‘easy on the cheese.’”
(The customer goes silent and looks at the receipt again, where it says ‘EZon cheese.’ Then without a word he hurriedly tosses some money at me, rips the pizza bag out of my hands and slams the door in my face. I pick up the money off the ground and quickly count it to find it is short. I ring the doorbell a few times before he throws it open, looking livid.)
Customer: “NOW what do you want?!”
Me: *holding up the wadded bills* “I can count properly too, and you still owe $2.37. I’m also going to need the bag back.”
(The customer makes a very dramatic show of stomping his feet as he goes back to the kitchen, and shoves three more dollar bills at me. As I am turning to leave, he explodes again.)
Customer: “What in the h*** are you doing?!”
Me: “Leaving.”
Customer: “What about my change?! You think you’re getting a tip after what you put me through?! You still owe me fifty-seven cents!”
Me: “No, a dollar minus thirty-seven is sixty-three. And we don’t carry anything smaller than a dollar bill. Have a nice day.”
Customer: “I am NEVER giving you people my business EVER AGAIN! You can kiss my money goodbye!!”
Me: “Don’t worry, sir; you were going to be placed on the no-delivery list anyway.”
(I’m in a walk-in clinic paying for a doctor’s note, when I overhear an exchange between a man and a nurse about why he’s at the clinic.)
Nurse: “So, is this something work related?”
Man: “No, it’s something stupidity related.”
(At least he was honest.)
And some questions:

Why do they swab the guy's arm with rubbing alcohol before a lethal injection?

Why do 24 hour, 7 days a week (Including holidays!) super markets have locks on their doors? 

Why do aliens abduct humans if we are an inferior race?

When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?

Do blind people feel love at first sight?

Why did kamikazes wear helmets?

How long is a piece of string?

Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

Why is it that only adults have difficulty with childproof bottles?

Why is it that to stop Windows, you have to click on "Start"? 

If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?

In court, why do they ask if you swear to tell the truth? If you're planning on lying, do they really think you'll tell them so? 

Instead of wasting time hunting and cooking, why don't hunters just use flame-throwers? 

If your car says Dodge on the front of it, do you really need a horn?

And now, a whole bunch of A.S.S. (Assorted Stupid Stuff):

The Kardashian family has signed a deal keeping them on the air for four more years and paying them $100 million. So let that be a lesson. If you really work hard and apply yourself, you are wasting your time. (Seth Meyers)

(I would think the correct answer would be "In the mirror"!!)

If there are no stupid questions, then what kind if questions do stupid people ask?  Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?----fishducky


Wednesday, January 27, 2016


These are actual quotes from politicians--people the public have elected to office ostensibly because they are intelligent enough to lead the country.  Would any of you like to change your vote?  (I will not comment on them--they are perfect as they are!!)

The first quote is from Marion Berry.  The sources of the rest are not given to protect the innocent--in case there are any:

"Outside of the killings in Washington DC, we have one of the lowest crime rates in the nation." 

"I resent your insinuendoes."

"If we don't make some changes, the status quo will remain the same."

"We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world."

"I support efforts to limit the terms of members of Congress, especially members of the House and members of the Senate." 

"If Lincoln were alive today, he'd roll over in his grave."

"We do not have censorship. What we have is a limitation on what newspapers can report."

"Candidly, I cannot answer that. The question is too suppository."

"Let's jump off that bridge when we come to it."

"To be demeanered like that is an exercise in fertility."

"I deny the allegations, and I defy the allegators."

"If somebody's gonna stab me in the back, I want to be there."

"When you're talking to me, keep your mouth shut."

"Let's do this in one foul swoop."

"I want to thank each and every one of you for having extinguished yourselves in this session."

"We'll run it up the flagpole and see who salutes that booger."

"I would like to take this time to reirritate my remarks."

"The average age of a 7 year old in this state is 13."

"I hate to confuse myself with the facts."

"We have a permanent plan for the time being."

"Family planning has many misconceptions."

"The people in my district do not want this highway bypass, no matter if it goes through or around the city."

"My knowledge is no match for his ignorance."

"As long as I am in the Senate, there will not be a nuclear suppository in our state."

"These numbers are not my own; they are from someone who knows what he's talking about."

"People planning on getting into serious accidents should have their seat belts on."

"This year Americans stand on the horns of an enema."
Source unknown

Feel free to replace this with the
 administration of your choice:

I bet some politicians think that George Washington's brother was the uncle of our country----fishducky