Monday, March 21, 2016


An old but (not) true story:

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephant’s foot, & found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.

As carefully & as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, & with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned & walked away.

Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenage son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned & walked over to near where Peter & his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground & then put it down. The elephant did that several times, then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, & made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant & stared back in wonder.

The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs & slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

It probably wasn't the same elephant.

A joke I've run before but I like it:

Poachers in Africa opened a restaurant.  Their come on was: “We make sandwiches from ANY African animal!!  If we can’t make your sandwich, we’ll pay you $10,000.00!!”   Business was booming for months.  They sold sandwiches made of ground zebra, lion pot roast, leg of hippo, etc.  

One day the waiter tries unsuccessfully to place an order with the cook.  Together, they sadly go to the manager & tell him that he’s going to have to pay the $10,000.00.  He asks why & they tell him that a customer just ordered an elephant ball sandwich on rye.  He tells them that’s no problem—a new shipment of elephant balls just came in.  

The cook says, “I know that!!  The problem is, we’re out of rye bread!!”
What did the elephant say to the naked man? Hey, that's cute but can you breathe through it?

What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant.

What do you get when you cross a potato with an elephant? Mashed potatoes.

Why were the elephants thrown out of the swimming pool? Their trunks kept falling down.

What is an elephant’s favorite sport? Squash.

What do you call a deranged elephant? A sycophant.

How do you stop an elephant from charging? Take away his credit card.

Why did the elephant leave the circus? He was tired of working for peanuts.

What do you call a passenger plane shaped like an elephant? A Dumbo jet.

What do you call an elephant that never washes? A smellyphant. 

This car wash is a couple of miles from my house:

Humphrey's Bakery used to be in the Farmer's Market 
at 3rd & Fairfax in Los Angeles. They made fantastic cakes.  
We used to order this as a sheet cake for our New Year's Eve parties.  
They came with a bottle of champagne.  
See the elephant at the bottom center, passed out under the cake?  
He's my favorite: 

If your Uncle Jack helped you off an elephant would you help your uncle jack off an elephant?----fishducky