Tuesday, April 5, 2016


If you think what I write is weird, take a look at some of these ACTUAL headlines: (Idea stolen taken from joeh--crankyoldman.blogspot.com)

· Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

     He's probably right.

· Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
     Take careful aim before driving.

· Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
     I say beat the crap out of them!

· Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
     He should have played the bass fiddle.

· Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents     
     That I'd like to see!

· Farmer Bill Dies in House
     I, for one, will miss him.

· Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
     I think he'd be better off with a different head.

· Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
     Personal hygiene is very important.

· Stud Tires Out
     What did he expect?

· Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
     And a lot of other guys.

· Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
     If they're both adults, it's nobody else's business.

· Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again
     How many times can you be a virgin?

· Eye Drops off Shelf

· Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
     They deserved it!

· Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
     Never believe a politician!

· Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
      Dogs don't usually need help!

· Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
     What else does he carry in that bag?

· Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
     He's lucky she didn't have a gun.

· Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
     That's why they're called "air"planes.

· Miners Refuse to Work after Death
     Those damn unions!

· Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
     That ought to work.

· Stolen Painting Found by Tree
     It now works for NCIS.

· Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
     Did they try mouth to bow resuscitation?

· Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years at Checkout Counter
     A record is set for longest checkout line.

· Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
     And if you don't change your attitude, we'll do it again!

· Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in `84
     I don't think they deserve more than $250.00 each.

· War Dims Hope for Peace
     Why would that be?
· If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
     Or even longer!

· Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
     I knew there was a good reason.

· Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
     So do I.

· Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
     I know it's hard to cut through red tape, but that's ridiculous.
· Deer Kill 17,000
     Much more successful than the cow with an ax!

 · Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
     He still needs another charge?

· New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
     How fat do you have to be to qualify?

These came in an email from Melynda:

I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, 
"How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?"?  I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word...he knew better.

I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. 

Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls".

My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts.'" My sister started to laugh hysterically. The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving 'right now' she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, 'If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!' 

The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter.

Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter; she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had  not asked to go potty in a while. 

I asked him if he needed to go, and he said 'No' ...I kept thinking 'Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me.' Then I said, 'Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?' 'No,' he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, 'Danny did you have an accident?' This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled 'SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!' 

While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better, thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any? 

We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: 'So, Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?' 

Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did, too, they were laughing so hard!

And how about some odd musings:

"Penguins mate for life. Which doesn't really surprise me, 'cause they all look exactly alike. Its not like they're gonna meet a better-looking penguin someday."
--Ellen DeGeneres

"We've all done this because we're so mature. You see a cow on the side of the road, stick your head out the window, and go,"Mooo!!" Like we expect the cow to think, "Hey there's another cow driving a car! How can she afford that?"
--Garry Shandling

Be sure brain is engaged before putting mouth in gear----fishducky