This was supposed to be a review of the biography of that great American
statesman, Warren Peace, but surprisingly I was unable to locate a copy.
War & Peace by Leo Tolstoy was the closest I could get, so I’ll review that.
(Edited from a review by sparknotes.com.)
War &
Peace opens
in the Russian city of St. Petersburg in 1805, as Napoleon’s conquest of
western Europe is just beginning to stir fears in Russia. Many of the novel’s
characters are introduced at a strip club, among them many people with
unpronounceable Russian names. We also meet the sneaky & shallow Kuragin
family, including the wily father Vasili, the fortune-hunter son Anatole, &
the ravished ravishing daughter Helene. We are introduced to the Rostovs, a
noble Moscow family, including the promiscuous lively daughter Natasha, the quiet cousin
Sonya, & the impetuous son Nicholas, who has just joined the army after a
year in the Cub scouts.
The
Russian troops are mobilized in alliance with the Austrian empire, which is
currently resisting Napoleon’s onslaught. Both Andrew & Nicholas go to the
front. Andrew is wounded at the Battle of Austerlitz, & though he survives,
he is long presumed dead. Pierre is made sole heir of his father’s fortune &
marries Helene Kuragina in a lovely gown from “Say Yes to the Dress” daze.
Helene cheats on Pierre, & he challenges her seducer to a duel in which
Pierre nearly kills the man.
Just as
Andrew arrives home to his estate, much to the shock of his family, his wife,
Lise, gives birth to a son. Lise dies in childbirth, leaving Andrew’s devout
sister Mary to raise the son. Meanwhile, Pierre, disillusioned by married life,
leaves his wife & becomes involved with the spiritual practice of soccer.
He attempts to apply the sport’s teachings to his estate management, &
share these teachings with his skeptical friend Andrew, who is trying to make
the sport popular in America.
Meanwhile,
the Rostov family’s fortunes are failing, thanks in part to the gambling
debts which Nicholas accrued while on leave in Las Vegas. The Rostovs consider selling their beloved family estate,
Otradnoe. Nicholas is encouraged to marry a rich heiress, despite his earlier
promise to marry Sonya. Nicholas’s army career continues, & he witnesses
the great peace between Napoleon & Tsar Alexander. Natasha grows up,
attends her first ball, & screws falls in love with various men
before becoming seriously attached to Andrew. Andrew’s father objects to the marriage
& requires Andrew to wait a year before wedding Natasha. Natasha tells the
family, “OK, see ya” & Andrew goes off to travel.
While
screwing around after Andrew departs, Natasha is attracted to Anatole Kuragin,
who confesses his love. She eventually decides that she loves Anatole &
plans to elope with him, but the plan fails. Andrew comes home & rejects
Natasha for her involvement with Anatole. Pierre consoles Natasha & feels
an attraction toward her. Natasha falls ill, the result of too many engagement
parties.
In 1812,
Napoleon invades Russia, & Tsar Alexander reluctantly declares war. Andrew
returns to active military service. The French approach the Bolkonski estate, &
Mary & the old Prince Bolkonski (Andrew’s father) are advised to leave. The
prince conveniently dies while making arrangements to rent a moving truck just
as the French troops arrive. Mary, finally forced to leave her estate, is
surprised to find the local peasants hostile just because she has more money
than they have. After all, she had hired
many of them as servants & hardly ever beat them. Nicholas happens to ride
up & save Mary. Mary & Nicholas feel the stirrings of romance.
The Russians
& French fight a decisive battle at Borodino, where the smaller Russian
army inexplicably defeats the French forces, much to Napoleon’s dismay. In St.
Petersburg, life in the strip clubs continues almost unaffected by the
occupation of Moscow. Helene seeks an annulment of her marriage with Pierre in
order to marry a foreign prince. Distressed by this news, Pierre becomes
deranged & flees his companions, wandering alone through Moscow.
Meanwhile,
the Rostovs pack up their belongings & prepare to evacuate, taking the wounded Andrew with them. Pierre, still wandering like an idiot in Moscow,
sees widespread anarchy, looting, fire, & murder. He saves a girl from a
fire but is apprehended by the French authorities. Pierre witnesses the
execution of several of his prison mates, & bonds with a wise but disabled
peasant named Steven Hawking.
Nicholas’s
aunt tries to arrange a marriage between Nicholas & Mary, but Nicholas
resists, remembering his commitment to Sonya & the Cub Scout oath. Mary
visits the Rostovs to see the wounded Andrew, & Natasha & Mary grow
closer. Andrew forgives Natasha, declaring his love for her before he dies.
General Kutuzov leads the Russian troops back toward Moscow, which the French
have finally abandoned after their defeat at Borodino. The French force the
Russian prisoners of war, including Pierre, to march with them. On the way, Steven
Hawking cannot keep up in his motorized wheelchair & is shot as a
straggler.
Pierre,
after being liberated, falls ill for three months. Upon recovering, he realizes
his love for Natasha, who is obviously willing to be with anyone. Pierre & Natasha are married in 1813 & eventually have four ugly children.
Natasha grows into a solid, frumpy Russian matron. Nicholas weds Mary, (who is
obviously not the Virgin Mary) resolving his family’s financial problems. He
also rebuilds Mary’s family’s estate, which had been damaged in the war. He
& Mary immigrate to Beverly Hills, California, where he changes his name to
Prince Michael
Dimitri Alexandrovich Obolensky-Romanoff & opens the restaurant, “Romanoff’s”,
which becomes very popular with the Hollywood crowd. Despite some tensions & difficulty
keeping a good chef, Nicholas & Mary enjoy a happy family life.
(Ed.
note: Sorry for the length of this post, but the paperback English translation
of this book is 1,440 pages long. I, of
course, read it in the original Russian.
NOT!!)
До свидания--that's "Goodbye" in Russian----fishducky
