Friday, June 30, 2017


Here is the heartfelt tail tale of H. H. (for Hee Haw) HorseHee Haw was once the mane main horse of a whole herd of horses but hardly was he ever happy.  Honestly, he was considered a hunk & could have any mare (the hussies) he wanted, although in his heart he loved Helena Horse, a distant cousin & a fine piece of horseflesh. He also had a place of high honor with the stallions.  

However, he heard this little voice inside him saying, “Get off your high horse & make horses laugh.  The world needs more humor & horse laughs!!”  He had a hankering to do just that. So he hastily put on his best halter & harness & hiked up the hill to open mic night at the comedy club, a local hangout.  He was very hesitant & was nibbling at his hoof (a horrid habit he had) when he heard the M. C. get on the horn & announce in a hearty voice, “Put your hooves together for H. H. Horse!!”  He thought he would heave if he was heckled but he was a huge hit; absolutely hilarious!!  The audience was hoarse from laughing & there wasn’t a hiss or boo from the herd.  It felt heavenlyHe had a hidden talent; hilarity!!  

The head office wanted to hire him for a huge hitch at their mane main club in Harrisburg.  He took the gig, but after some months, he got horribly homesick.  The hubbub of Harrisburg hounded him.  He wanted to be back home on the prairie.  He decided he was just a humble horse at heart & that showbiz was not for him.  He went back to his hotel & checked out.  

At home, he had a hunch that Helena would be waiting for him.  He found her & got down on his haunches & proposed.  He loved his life as a husband & when he had time he told jokes to his happy herd.

I can't do a horse post without including this:

The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with----fishducky



Thursday, June 29, 2017


Just look at these bad days I found at ratemyjob.com:

"I'm an X-ray technologist, so I know!! Just imagine how many household items can be inserted into your rectum, and then add a few more to that list."

"I was working at a Mexican restaurant last year. One night this guy comes in and is visibly perturbed, but he orders a carne asada and everything seems fine. His waiter brings him the steak and a cheesy steak knife to cut it with. The guy inspects the steak asks for a bigger knife, so his waiter grabs a sturdier steak knife with an eight inch blade. The guy says no, I need a bigger knife. So the waiter goes to the kitchen and grabs carving knife. The guy, still unsatisfied, demands an even bigger knife so his waiter goes back to the kitchen and gets him what could be easily be mistaken for a machete; a carving knife with a blade at least a foot long. The guy eats his steak and then when he comes up to pay he grabs the waiter, the guy who brought him the knife, and holds the knife to his ribs screaming about his steak being overdone. He was clearly deranged. Another waiter tackles this lunatic and we call the police."

"About three years ago I worked weekends at a bar. It was an upscale gay bar and we usually had a good crowd. As a barback, I was pretty low on the totem pole and spent my nights running cases of beer from the basement up to the bar.
Well, one night, we were pretty busy. As I was coming up the basement stairs (employee only area), an older gentleman opened the door and began walking down. I didn't have the time to stop him at the moment and sometimes the owner's friends would go down to the basement to use their phones or whatever.
I told my friend and coworker about it and he kinda brushed it off. I kept up with the rush until I needed to run more beer. I asked my coworker to come with me in case the man was still down there (I'm a woman, by the way, and I got a weird vibe from the guy).
We descended the staircase together and turned the corner. At this point we could see straight back into the liquor storeroom. The man had stripped naked, borrowed a Kahlua bottle and was just sitting there drinking it.

"I worked in a mailroom right out of college for a fairly large company. We often times had Overnight, Next Day AM packages that HAD to be there or apparently the world would explode. I was responsible for getting these to the drop boxes before pick up time, which means I had to take them with me when I left work and drop them off.
 One Friday, we had one of these urgent letters. Left work and completely forgot about it. It sat in my car all weekend. Got to work the next Monday, the CFO and several upper management were literally freaking out because the letter didn’t arrive (got yelled at, etc.). It apparently was a half a million dollar check that this company was waiting for or they were going to take some kind of legal action or something. It turned out fine, but I wanted to die at the time."

"I work at a pet store. I accidentally threw a snake away. I was cleaning the bedding and didn't see him buried in his. I dumped it. 2-3 days later my department manager brought it back to me after finding it in the receiving garbage. Somehow I didn't get in trouble. Snake was fine."

"I used to work manufacturing large televisions. The company had just received a shipment of 50 104" screens from a vendor. A brand new employee was charged with transporting and stacking them. Just as he stacking the 50th screen it slips out of his hands. It falls and shatters all 50 screens. In his first 4 hours of work he manages to destroy more than $2 million in material and set back production by weeks."

"Found a lighter in my pocket while standing in my boss' office at the deli I worked at. I was bored. I had to run past the entire deli counter screaming to get to the sink when I lit my shirt on fire. There were at least 15 customers in line."

"I worked as a student in a bank-agency.  I wasn't 18 yet, so I wasn't allowed to be at the front desk (some insurance-issues), basically I was doing paperwork in the back. Once, a customer wanted to enter, but one can't just walk into a bank, you have to ring a bell, and have an employee open the door for you by pressing a button under the front desk.  Long story short, he rang, all employees were busy, so I went to press the button. I check under the desk, s---, 3 buttons. The man was looking at me, looking pretty pissed by the waiting-time, so I just press a random button. Turns out it was the alarm button."

"I was working on one of those TV shows where you do stupid things in public and film people’s reactions. In the skit we were doing, a man would be jogging with a stroller containing a life-like baby doll, and I was going to hit him with a car. The jogger was wearing bright green (they dress funny on these shows so that you don't mix up the cast with pedestrians). So I'm cruising up to the stop sign in a beat up old ford, my adrenaline is really pumping (this was my first time actually being involved in a skit). I see the bright green jump suit, and I gun it. 
I hit the wrong guy. It was just some dude jogging with his kid. I realized what happened when the guy I hit didn't jump onto the hood the way you're supposed to in these stunts. I honestly don't remember anything about the incident after that, I was in shock. The dad had a few broken bones, the baby was fine. Needless to say there was a huge settlement payed out. I'm currently pursuing an unrelated career."

"Firefighter-Paramedic/Nurse here I am going to list a few. Throwaway account for obvious reasons. I have been doing this for 12 years (Fire/Medic 10 Nurse 3). In no particular order: 
Dropped A Newborn Baby. What it sounds like really, as soon as the sucker popped out she was quite slippery fell out of my hands right onto an ambulance floor as I was handing her to my partner. In the end it was okay, but the mother almost literally murdered me (understandably of course).
Kicked a Cardiac Monitor/Defibrillator into a pool during a Cardiac Arrest. The patient was pulled from a pool, and as equipment was getting shuffled around the monitor got moved I inadvertently kicked it, and it ended up at the bottom of a pool. They cost about 20K each. Luckily there was another one there. 
Destroyed a Garage Door by driving a ladder truck thru it while it was closing. I was backing up my spotter wasn't paying attention someone closed the garage door, and it was destroyed.
Set fire to a Fire Engine. I was the acting officer that day, meaning the regular Captain on our engine was out "sick". Our engine got placed in a back alley adjacent to a structure which was on fire, the Operator/Driver had just been cleared (my mistake was not realizing this, because this wasn't my regular station, and while I had worked with the crew before didn't know it was literally this kid’s first day cleared to drive/pump), and his placement put the engine very close to said burning structure, albeit far from the fire if that makes sense. The cab windows were down, one thing led to another and half of the interior of the cab was on fire. Luckily we took care of it fairly quickly."

The next 2 are from thoughtcatalog.com:
First time using the phones at work, I accidentally hung up on a girl who wanted to compliment how well the customer service was when she shopped there. I felt horrible.

I am a chef. One time a few years back this young kid on the line left his knife in an awkward position and went for a smoke break. My dumbass grabbed the knife from the blade end and nearly sliced my fingers off. I started bleeding profusely all over the cutting board and salad station. A bus boy drove me to the nearest hospital where I had to take a drug test and receive 9 stitches. The owners of the restaurant paid for everything and I got a month off of work paid. It was probably one of the dumbest things I had ever done. I needed the break, though. 

But this one may top them all:

Ronald Gerald Wayne co-founded Apple Computer with Steve Wozniak and Steve Jobs. Wayne worked with Steve Jobs at Atari before he, Jobs, and Wozniak founded Apple Computer on April 1, 1976. Serving as the venture's "adult supervision" Wayne drew the first Apple logo, wrote the three men's original partnership agreement, and wrote the Apple I manual. He soon, however, sold his share of the new company for a mere $800. As of March 2017, if Wayne had kept his 10% stake in Apple Inc., it would have been worth over $75.5 billion.

Be careful out there!!----fishducky


Wednesday, June 28, 2017


Illustrations & text by Emily Niland

During peak banking hours such as lunchtime, Saturday mornings, and standard paydays, it
is now customary to only open one out of every six teller windows in any given bank branch. 
Allowing this valuable retail space to sit barren of commerce is a real missed opportunity for 
local businesses to engage in a window-share economy with the shallow husks of once 
bustling financial institutions.

Please consider the following helpful suggestions for what could inhabit those vacant windows to preoccupy listless queues of bank customers while they wait to conduct their financial dealings that simply cannot be done via ATM or internet. These gang-buster ideas are sure to boost morale and keep everyone from muttering swear words under their breath in front of children and small dogs.

Taco stand
There is no wrong place for a taco stand. Waiting shoulder to shoulder with the unwashed masses for the one bank teller on duty would be infinitely more tolerable with a delicious taco in hand. $2.50 surcharge for napkins.

This innovative use of teller window space will keep patrons’ hands occupied to prevent them from strangling the one asshole smacking on his gum very loudly like he is balls deep in a packet of Big League Chew at a t-ball game.

It’s payday and for some reason lots of bank patrons don’t have direct deposit or a banking app on their burner phones to deposit checks. Go figure! With fat wads of rolled up twenties burning a hole these pockets, it’s the perfect time to peruse used firearms and diamond rings literally pried from the cold dead hands of elderly widows. Temperature of widows’ hands subject to terms and conditions at participating locations.

Kissing booth
There may be a thick wall of bulletproof glass between bank patrons and this hot piece of tail, but that doesn’t mean they can’t spice things up by pretending to visit a felonious paramour at a maximum security prison.

This psychic will be nothing like the unscrupulous gypsy menace down the street from your apartment with whom you got into a shouting match that one time. I mean, in a perfect world. Likely it will be that same psychic though. Actual contact with the spirit realm void where prohibited.

Why invest your money in a low yield savings account when you could double that money playing the ponies and then invest it in a low yield savings account? You’ll be earning 0.001% interest on twice as much capital in no time flat!!

Wanna see some weird shit?
Two-headed squirrel carcasses. A soiled dinner plate that has grown mold resembling the face of Christ. Maybe a human tooth string necklace. Where did all the teeth come from? Don’t worry about it.

Suicide hotline
This would operate very much like a traditional counseling phone bank. However, instead of “anonymity” and “confidentiality”, all counseling sessions will be recorded for quality assurance and training purposes and blackmail should the need arise.