Thursday, March 9, 2017


(Reworked from a 2014 post.)


Bob White was confronted with an ultimatum by his wife: the Harley goes or she does. So naturally, Bob responded by letting the internet decide. He listed both his 2006 HD XL1200L Sportster and his wife (a 1959 model) for sale on Craigslist. Unfortunately, the original advertisement has been taken down. But below is the content from the post. Personally, I’d make an offer for either, they both seem like they could go for a while.

Sportster: 2006 XL1200L Sportster in excellent condition
Wife: 1959 model year in excellent condition, considering

Sportster: Only 6,500 miles (less than 900 miles per year!)
Wife: High Mileage

Sportster: Well maintained...and it shows--see the pictures
Wife: High maintenance...and it shows--see the pictures

Sportster: Fresh oil change and filter (didn’t need it)
Wife: Oil never changed--but is checked regularly

Sportster: Gently ridden--never ridden in the rain--stored in climate controlled garage
Wife: Rode hard, put up wet

Sportster: Comes with $2500 in S&S power options (Vance and Hines drag pipes, carb and tuning, air cleaner, K&N intake filter) “a substantial power increase over stock”
Wife: Has too much power, period

Sportster: Great for beginners or seasoned riders alike
Wife: This is the expert’s only model

Sportster: Comes with one 2 hour beginner’s riding lesson (call for details)
Wife: No lessons needed and NO instruction manual

Sportster: Beautiful bike… pearl white with black and orange accent strips
Wife: Beautiful edition… white with a mean streak

Sportster: Come out and test ride before you buy
Wife: Don’t even go there


Looking for a new job?

If you think, for one second, you’ve got a bad job, on your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy. I want you to go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson. Be very sure you get this brand.

When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed. Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken. 

Now the fun part begins. Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully. You will notice there is a disclosure in very fine print that reads: 

“Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized.” Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, “I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson & Johnson.” Have a wonderful day knowing that, no matter how bad it is, there is always a job that’s more of a pain in the ass than yours.

Some advertisements that have appeared in papers across the country (or so we are led to believe) & could have used a little work: 

- We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand. 

- For Sale: Eight puppies from a German Shepherd and an Alaskan Hussy. 

- Great Dames for sale. 

- Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition. 

- Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it. 

- Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children. 

- Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.

Some marketing definitions:

You see a gorgeous girl at a party.
You go up to her and say, "I am very rich. Marry me!"
That's Direct Marketing.
You’re at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl.
One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you and says,
"He's very rich. Marry him."
That's Advertising.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party.
You go up to her and get her telephone number.
The next day you call and say, "Hi, I’m very rich. Marry me."
That's Telemarketing.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl.
You get up and straighten your tie; you walk up to her and pour
her a drink.
You open the door for her; pick up her bag after she drops it,
offer her a ride, and then say,
"By the way, I'm very rich. Will you marry me?"
That's Public Relations.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl.
She walks up to you and says, "You are very rich."
That's Brand Recognition.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party.
You go up to her and say, "I'm rich. Marry me"
She gives you a nice hard slap on your face.
That's Customer Feedback!!!! 

Three guys begin work at a toothbrush company as salesmen. Each day, two of the guys sell twenty or so toothbrushes each, and the third guy consistently sells several hundred. The other two guys are jealous, but they can't figure out his secret. Then, one day, they run into him at the mall, where he's set up a table with chips & dip.
"This is your secret?" says the first guy.
"Try some dip," says the third. They both take a little bit of dip.
"Ech!!" says the second guy. "This tastes like shit!!"

"It is shit. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"

Those were the original cartoons.
I left them in because I thought they were really funny.
Here are some new cartoons:

The new anthology that I'm in is now available at
Kobo, Barnes & Noble, Ibooks & Amazon.

To buy it on Amazon, click here. 
Barnes and Noble/nook: click here. 
Ibooks: click here. 

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation----fishducky