I know it's true because I read it in the paper!!
(Extensively reworked from a September, 2012 post; it hardly bears a resemblance, anymore.)
(As told to fishducky by Mrs. Pumpkin Eater.)
You may think, since he never beat her,
No nursery rhyme's story could ever be sweeter
Than
Peter, Peter, Pumpkin Eater,
Unless
you’re Mrs. Pumpkin Eater!
She dwelt within her pumpkin shell
And
seemed to be doing very well,
But
soon she realized that she should tell
Her
chauvinistic husband to go to hell!
She was not
happy. No, she was sad.
The
man she married was no Galahad.
It was driving her quite mad
To
think of husbands she could have had.
You could see it
in her eyes
That Peter,
Peter was no prize.
She heard a chant, which she thought wise,
"Women
in your shells, arise!"
She stopped being a
weak kneed mouse,
And told him she demands a house
Or
the rotund little louse
Would no longer be her spouse.
He had to know
that she had needs
That were not met by pumpkin seeds.
She need not live among the weeds.
Let
him show love by his deeds.
She knew he
promised when they wed
That she would always have a bed
“But
where?” is what she should have said.
I
would have hit him on the head!!
She knew a
lawyer could quell her grief
And
bring to her some sweet relief.
She asked one to please file his brief.
And she did right; that’s my belief.
She took him for everything he’d got
She took him for everything he’d got
And left him completely overwrought,
Then
asked him, as an afterthought,
If
he was still glad he tied the knot!!
P.S.
The judge told the miserly little elf
The judge told the miserly little elf