Wednesday, June 28, 2017


Illustrations & text by Emily Niland

During peak banking hours such as lunchtime, Saturday mornings, and standard paydays, it
is now customary to only open one out of every six teller windows in any given bank branch. 
Allowing this valuable retail space to sit barren of commerce is a real missed opportunity for 
local businesses to engage in a window-share economy with the shallow husks of once 
bustling financial institutions.

Please consider the following helpful suggestions for what could inhabit those vacant windows to preoccupy listless queues of bank customers while they wait to conduct their financial dealings that simply cannot be done via ATM or internet. These gang-buster ideas are sure to boost morale and keep everyone from muttering swear words under their breath in front of children and small dogs.

Taco stand
There is no wrong place for a taco stand. Waiting shoulder to shoulder with the unwashed masses for the one bank teller on duty would be infinitely more tolerable with a delicious taco in hand. $2.50 surcharge for napkins.

This innovative use of teller window space will keep patrons’ hands occupied to prevent them from strangling the one asshole smacking on his gum very loudly like he is balls deep in a packet of Big League Chew at a t-ball game.

It’s payday and for some reason lots of bank patrons don’t have direct deposit or a banking app on their burner phones to deposit checks. Go figure! With fat wads of rolled up twenties burning a hole these pockets, it’s the perfect time to peruse used firearms and diamond rings literally pried from the cold dead hands of elderly widows. Temperature of widows’ hands subject to terms and conditions at participating locations.

Kissing booth
There may be a thick wall of bulletproof glass between bank patrons and this hot piece of tail, but that doesn’t mean they can’t spice things up by pretending to visit a felonious paramour at a maximum security prison.

This psychic will be nothing like the unscrupulous gypsy menace down the street from your apartment with whom you got into a shouting match that one time. I mean, in a perfect world. Likely it will be that same psychic though. Actual contact with the spirit realm void where prohibited.

Why invest your money in a low yield savings account when you could double that money playing the ponies and then invest it in a low yield savings account? You’ll be earning 0.001% interest on twice as much capital in no time flat!!

Wanna see some weird shit?
Two-headed squirrel carcasses. A soiled dinner plate that has grown mold resembling the face of Christ. Maybe a human tooth string necklace. Where did all the teeth come from? Don’t worry about it.

Suicide hotline
This would operate very much like a traditional counseling phone bank. However, instead of “anonymity” and “confidentiality”, all counseling sessions will be recorded for quality assurance and training purposes and blackmail should the need arise.