Thursday, July 27, 2017


This photo of a hairy swimsuit
was stolen borrowed taken from

Not retired yet?
This is for you:

Do you believe in karma?
Read these clips from cracked.com:

Stop Sign Thief Killed in Car Accident

Tyller A. Myers was just that guy. He stole stop signs in his spare time, because he was a 19-year-old with a Ford F-150;it was practically in his Dipshit Teenager contract. But Tyller's theft went beyond that standard pubescent rebel flag: The stop sign hung defiantly on his bedroom wall. Myers was a serial thief: Turns out a lot of stop signs were going missing in Norwalk, Ohio, which can obviously cause some potentially deadly traffic problems.

Then one night, presumably while out Robin Hood-ing some stop signs, stealing from those who had too much traffic control to give to those poor saps with no road signs at all, Myers ran an inexplicably unstolen stop sign. When he drove onto the highway after blowing straight through the intersection, he was hit by a semi and later pronounced dead on the scene. I'm not one to celebrate anybody's death, and I'm not saying he deserved it, but the irony just lines up so perfectly. It's like God was playing a cosmic game of irony pool, and Myers was the friggin' 8 Ball.

When a Vengeful God Misfires

In 2008, right-wing evangelicals tried to keep the democrats out of the White House by turning God into a meteorological republican superweapon. The prophet behind Operation Weapons of Mass Destruction was Stuart Shepard of Focus on the Family. Stuart sent this video to his followers, urging that they pray for "biblical," "torrential," "I'm talking 'umbrella-ain't-going-to-help-you rain'" to fall on then-Senator Barack Obama during his acceptance speech on the last night of the 2008 Democratic National Convention.

So, how did Shepard's prayer-powered weather machine work? Let's put it this way ...

Via My2bucks.com
"OK, which one of you smartasses prayed to the devil?"

You see that floating nightmare drifting toward Houston like something out of Independence Day? That's Hurricane Gustav, and it was set to rock the faces off the National Convention like a meteorological Bon Jovi.

... the Republican National Convention, that is.

Gustav hit so hard the republicans had to shaft most of their speakers for the first night, including Vice President Dick Cheney and President George W. Bush. The democrats, meanwhile, enjoyed such perfectly clear skies that you can't help but imagine God pulled the whole thing off just to tell republicans not to call him during dinner. It didn't last forever, though, since a thunderstorm warning forced President Obama indoors for his 2012 DNC speech four years later. But that was like getting shifted from first class to business compared to the second goddamn hurricane, which hit the 2012 RNC in Tampa, forcing republicans to reschedule and eventually cancel the first night of their second consecutive godforsaken ceremony. Jeez, God really doesn't take orders well, does he?

Suicide Bomber Gets a Spam Text

On New Year's Eve in Russia, the Red Square gets absolutely packed full of drunks, much like Times Square or your mom on a singles cruise. This, of course, makes it a prime target for terrorists who enjoy nothing more than blowing huge crowds -- oh sorry, that's your mom again.

The terrorists' plan was fairly simple: A woman with an explosive-laden belt was to join the Red Square crowd for their New Year's celebration, where she would ring in 2011 by murdering thousands of innocent civilians. It is probably worth noting, in case common sense didn't already tip you off, that terrorists generally don't use their best and brightest as suicide bombers.

If they did, then maybe the amazing exploding woman would have thought to turn off her phone, which was also acting as the bomb's detonator, until it was time to go. But maybe she was hoping to pass the time until her own violent death with a few games of Angry Birds, because she left that phone, and therefore the bomb, fully activated all day. Because irony likes a good party as much as the rest of us, the woman's phone received a "Happy New Year" spam text from her service provider, several hours before the attack was scheduled. The final body count of the New Year's Eve bomb plot? One lone suicide bomber sleeping it off in Hell.

How about some funny videos?

To see how it would be if animals were round, click here.

To hear Bob Nelson introduce a new football lineup, click here.

Here's Rodney at his best:

And the very funny Foster Brooks
(who was actually a teetotaler):