3. You're American when you go into the bathroom, and you're American when you come out, but do you know what you are while you're in there? European.

4. Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.
7. If you see a robbery at an Apple Store does that make you an iWitness?

Paramount
9. A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, "Sorry we don’t serve food here."

Comedy Central
11. Why did the Clydesdale give the pony a glass of water? Because he was a little horse!

TBS
13. Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.

Universal
14. I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!
New Line Cinema
15. Why do chicken coops only have two doors? Because if they had four, they would be chicken sedans!

NBC
16. What do you call a factory that sells passable products? A satisfactory.

NBC
17. KID: "Hey, I was thinking… " DAD: "I thought I smelled something burning.”
18. How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put a little boogie in it!

NBC
20. When a dad drives past a graveyard: Did you know that's a popular cemetery? Yep, people are just dying to get in there!

ABC
21. Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was a salted.

ABC
23. Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer? He couldn't see himself doing it.

Paramount
24. I used to have a job at a calendar factory but I got the sack because I took a couple of days off.

Warner Bros.
25. A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. Judge says, "First offender?" She says, "No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!”
PBS
26. How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.

ABC
27. A three-legged dog walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I’m looking for the man who shot my paw."
Paramount
28. When you ask a dad if he's alright: "No, I’m half left.”

HBO
29. I had a dream that I was a muffler last night. I woke up exhausted!

Thames Television
31. How do you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad? A frog says, "Ribbit, ribbit" and a horny toad says, "Rub it, rub it.”

NBC
32. Did you hear the news? FedEx and UPS are merging. They’re going to go by the name Fed-Up from now on.
NBC
33. 5/4 of people admit that they’re bad with fractions.

New Line Cinema
35. What is Beethoven’s favorite fruit? A ba-na-na-na.

ESPN
37. Two guys walk into a bar, the third one ducks.

39. Did you hear about the circus fire? It was in tents!

NBC
41. What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef. If the cow has no legs, then it’s ground beef.
Howard Stern/Sirius
42. What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino? Elephino.

TBS
44. I’m only familiar with 25 letters in the English language. I don’t know why.

USA
45. When an ambulance zips past with its siren blaring: "They won’t sell much ice cream driving that fast.”
ABC
48. What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones.

Warner Bros.
53. The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

Paramount
54. Did you see they made round bails of hay illegal in Wisconsin? It’s because the cows weren’t getting a square meal.
BBC
55. NURSE: "Blood type?" DAD: "Red."

Fox
57. KID: "Dad, make me a sandwich!" DAD: "Poof, you’re a sandwich!”

Flickr: gageskidmore / Via Creative Commons
59. You know what the loudest pet you can get is? A trumpet.

BBC
65. Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the pee is silent.

20th Century Fox
67. What does a zombie vegetarian eat? “GRRRAAAAAIIIINNNNS!”

NBC
69. Why wasn't the woman happy with the Velcro she bought? It was a total ripoff.

CBS
71. What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows.

Columbia
73. You heard of that new band 1023MB? They're good but they haven't got a gig yet.

CBS
74. DAD, TO A SINGER: "Don’t forget a bucket." SINGER: "Why?" DAD: "To carry your tune."
Comedy Central