Disclaimer: You have been warned!!
1. What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y.
NBC
2. I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!
NBC
3. You're American when you go into the bathroom, and you're American when you come out, but do you know what you are while you're in there? European.
4. Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.
6. I just watched a documentary about beavers. It was the best dam show I ever saw!
NBC
7. If you see a robbery at an Apple Store does that make you an iWitness?
Paramount
9. A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, "Sorry we don’t serve food here."
Comedy Central
10. What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1
PBS
11. Why did the Clydesdale give the pony a glass of water? Because he was a little horse!
TBS
12. CASHIER: "Would you like the milk in a bag, sir?" DAD: "No, just leave it in the carton!’”
NBC
13. Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.
Universal
14. I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!
New Line Cinema
15. Why do chicken coops only have two doors? Because if they had four, they would be chicken sedans!
NBC
16. What do you call a factory that sells passable products? A satisfactory.
NBC
17. KID: "Hey, I was thinking… " DAD: "I thought I smelled something burning.”
18. How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put a little boogie in it!
NBC
19. A termite walks into a bar and asks, "Is the bar tender here?"
CBS
20. When a dad drives past a graveyard: Did you know that's a popular cemetery? Yep, people are just dying to get in there!
ABC
21. Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was a salted.
ABC
22. FAST FOOD WORKER: "Any condiments?" DAD: "Compliments? You look very nice today!”
MGM
23. Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer? He couldn't see himself doing it.
Paramount
24. I used to have a job at a calendar factory but I got the sack because I took a couple of days off.
Warner Bros.
25. A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. Judge says, "First offender?" She says, "No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!”
PBS
26. How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.
ABC
27. A three-legged dog walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I’m looking for the man who shot my paw."
Paramount
28. When you ask a dad if he's alright: "No, I’m half left.”
HBO
29. I had a dream that I was a muffler last night. I woke up exhausted!
Thames Television
30. GROCERY STORE CHECKER: "Paper or plastic?" DAD: "Either, I’m bisacktual.”
ESPN
31. How do you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad? A frog says, "Ribbit, ribbit" and a horny toad says, "Rub it, rub it.”
NBC
32. Did you hear the news? FedEx and UPS are merging. They’re going to go by the name Fed-Up from now on.
NBC
33. 5/4 of people admit that they’re bad with fractions.
New Line Cinema
34. MOM: "How do I look?" DAD: "With your eyes."
CNN
35. What is Beethoven’s favorite fruit? A ba-na-na-na.
ESPN
36. What did the horse say after it tripped? "Help! I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup!”
NBC
37. Two guys walk into a bar, the third one ducks.
38. What do you call a masturbating cow? Beef Stroganoff.
Comedy Central
39. Did you hear about the circus fire? It was in tents!
NBC
40. Don't trust atoms. They make up everything!
Paramount
41. What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef. If the cow has no legs, then it’s ground beef.
Howard Stern/Sirius
42. What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino? Elephino.
TBS
43. How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten-tickles.
Comedy Central
44. I’m only familiar with 25 letters in the English language. I don’t know why.
USA
45. When an ambulance zips past with its siren blaring: "They won’t sell much ice cream driving that fast.”
ABC
47. What's the best part about living in Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.
HBO
48. What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones.
Warner Bros.
49. Why couldn't the bike standup by itself? It was two tired.
NBC
52. WAITRESS: "Soup or salad?" DAD: "I don’t want a SUPER salad, I want a regular salad.”
Fox
53. The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
Paramount
54. Did you see they made round bails of hay illegal in Wisconsin? It’s because the cows weren’t getting a square meal.
BBC
55. NURSE: "Blood type?" DAD: "Red."
Fox
56. SERVER: "Sorry about your wait." DAD: "Are you saying I’m fat?”
NBC
57. KID: "Dad, make me a sandwich!" DAD: "Poof, you’re a sandwich!”
Flickr: gageskidmore / Via Creative Commons
58. What do you call a fish with two knees? A “two-knee” fish.
FX
59. You know what the loudest pet you can get is? A trumpet.
BBC
60. I was interrogated over the theft of a cheese toastie. Man, they really grilled me.
Columbia
62. What do you call a deer with no eyes? No idea!
NBC
64. What do you call a lonely cheese? Provolone.
Disney
65. Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the pee is silent.
20th Century Fox
67. What does a zombie vegetarian eat? “GRRRAAAAAIIIINNNNS!”
NBC
68. What does an angry pepper do? It gets jalapeño your face.
HBO
69. Why wasn't the woman happy with the Velcro she bought? It was a total ripoff.
CBS
70. What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? Bison.
CBC
71. What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows.
Columbia
72. Where did the college-aged vampire like to shop? Forever 21.
Hulu
73. You heard of that new band 1023MB? They're good but they haven't got a gig yet.
CBS
74. DAD, TO A SINGER: "Don’t forget a bucket." SINGER: "Why?" DAD: "To carry your tune."
Comedy Central
75. Why did the crab never share? Because he's shellfish.
(BuzzFeed)
And because you've been so patient, here are a couple more:
What did the elephant say to the naked man?
"That's cute, but can you pick up peanuts with it?"
What do you call kids born in whorehouses?
Brothel sprouts.
----fishducky
What did the elephant say to the naked man?
"That's cute, but can you pick up peanuts with it?"
What do you call kids born in whorehouses?
Brothel sprouts.
----fishducky
