1. These
camel toe guards.
For
when you don’t want the world do know that you have a vulva. Apparently they’re
sported by the one and only Kim K.
2. And
from the same brand, here’s some pubic hair dye.
Clearly,
the most pressing question here is why purple is the only color deemed “sexy” from this selection.
Who made the executive decision that pubes are most sexy when purple?
3. This
face-slimmer.
This entirely innocent-looking mouthpiece supposedly slims your face down by working the muscles
around your jaw.
4. A
24k gold face mask.
5. But
if £55 for a tub of gold to smear on to your face is a bit too dear, you can get
these gold eye masks for just 99p.
6. In fact, face mask sheets in general are real popular
right now.
But they are apparently really
good, so like ¯\_(ツ)_/¯.
7. This
totally pious beauty kit.
Unfortunately
no longer in stock, presumably as the result of God’s wrath. However, you can
still add them to your Amazon wishlist and hope for their miraculous return.
8. Genital
dye.
Are
you tired of your sexual partners shrieking in disgust and horror at your beige
labia? No? Well, you should be. Start by paying money to smear
pink chemical dyes all
over your genitals
.
9. Bumhole
bleach.
But
what good is a perfectly pink vagina to you if your bumhole doesn’t match? Good
news that the market has foreseen this and provided you, the consumer, with
much-needed bumhole bleach. Buy it for the low, low price of £5.11.
10. Evian
Mineral Water Spray.
Literally
just water in a spray can, for when you can’t be bothered to drink. Just let
the water absorb through your skin. Act like the single cell microbe that you
are. Only £5.99 to perform osmosis.
11. A
spoon specifically designed to scrape out the last bit of your products.
Do
you hate wasting products, but don’t want to just use any old flat, long and
thin object to scoop out the last remnants of your foundation? Well then, this is the product for you.
12. This
nose-straightening clip.
This friendly gadget straightens
your nose and prevents you from breathing, all in one! Have a straight nose, or
die trying.
13. This
sleeping mask.
Not
a ridiculous or original concept in and of itself, save for the fact it makes
you look like you fused bodies with a fly. You can get it here.
14. This
chin-slimming strap.
15. Placenta
moisturizing cream.
16. And
of course, the CandyLipz lip plumper.
Why settle for thin lips when you can have luscious, bruised, and swollen lips instead? And for just under £50!
17. And, for the men, colored shaving cream.
This is a shaving cream, except unlike normal shaving cream, it comes in different colors. Also, it has an “invigorating and reassuringly masculine” scent. This way, you can have fun and be reassured about your masculinity while shaving!!
