I can roll my eyes like this:
(Reworked from a 2013 post.)
"I don't know what the big deal is about edible underwear. You wear them a couple of days, they taste just like the other ones."--Tom Arnold
Two true stories (& one joke):
Do you remember pressure cookers? They were heavy pots that cooked things quickly by steam pressure & had a little vent on the top where the pressure gauge was. My mother once redecorated our kitchen with one! Well, not intentionally; she was making split pea soup & had to leave the house because of an emergency & when she returned the kitchen ceiling had been thoroughly split pea souped!! It had blown the gauge off & shot up through the steam vent. I don't remember what we had for dinner that night, but it sure wasn't split pea soup!! During the days of wringer washing machines & before garbage disposers, we found a bag of potato peels in the washer. I guess it stopped by to visit the laundry on its way out to the trash.
A friend of mine was living in an apartment in New York City & was having some friends over for a party. She had made a bunch of hors d'oeuvres & baked & frosted a cake. She left all this food on the kitchen counter to cool while she went to take a shower. When she got out of the shower she heard her phone (which was in the kitchen) ringing. She ran in, naked, to answer it. It had started raining--hard--while she was showering & the rain was blowing in through an open window--& a dirty window screen--& covering her party food. She answered the phone & told them to hang on while she climbed up on the counter to close the window. That is to say, she tried to climb up on the counter, which was wet, & she slipped. She landed on the food. She finally closed the window & picked up the phone. She spent several minutes sobbing & saying that she had fallen on her food & now she had to take another shower & that her guests were coming in a few minutes & she had no idea what she would serve them & now the party was ruined, while the caller was making sympathetic noises. She asked, "What should I do?" The caller said that he had no idea--& that he thought he had reached a wrong number! She pitifully asked why he had listened to her long diatribe & he said, "You sounded so sad--I didn't have the heart to interrupt you!"
A doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa.. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, & none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all & we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?" After several seconds of quiet, a 75 year old man in the front row raised his hand, & softly asked, "Wedding cake?"
Sign in a restaurant; “Shoes are required to eat here. Socks can eat any place they want.”
Your pizza need more pop?
Try topping it with deep fried corn dogs!
Krispy Kreme Chicken Sandwich
This artery-clogger features a fried chicken patty topped with Swiss cheese all tucked inside a sliced Krispy Kreme Original Glazed doughnut. To enhance the sweet and savory effect, the sandwich is served with a side of Smucker's honey sauce.
Deep fried Coca Cola
Beverages have entered the deep fried delicacy ring. Fried Coke is actually Coca Cola flavored batter that's been deep fried and garnished with Coca Cola syrup, whipped cream, and cinnamon sugar. Abel Gonzales, Jr. won Most Creative for this concoction at the 2006 State Fair of Texas.
Cheeseburger with fried ice cream:
I think this is deep fried battered bacon:
This is self explanatory:
All photos HuffPost
Some funny videos:
I've run this before,
but I love it:
I think we need some cartoons
to settle our stomachs:
Avoid any food with the expiration date marked in Roman numerals----fishducky