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Monday, April 16, 2018

YOU'D BETTER NOT POUT, YOU'D BETTER SHELL OUT, YOU'D BETTER NOT CRY, I'M TELLING YOU WHY--THE IRS IS COMING TO TOWN (TOMORROW)


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My son Blake posted this Saturday.  I wanted to share it:

It’s 3:22am and I sit here watching both my brother Matthew and my father sleep as we are now on day 39 in my father’s fight to regain his life. Today we had a setback and had to return to Cedars-Sinai from the rehabilitation hospital due to an incarcerated hernia.
After falling and suffering a broken shoulder (in 2 places) on March 7th my father has battled back with more strength and sheer determination than I could have ever imagined.
Not only has he had to deal with the pain from the broken shoulder, he has had to endure pneumonia in both lungs, being placed on a ventilator, not being able to eat for over 2 weeks, having 2 different NG tubes, along with countless other things that I’d rather not even mention.
Both my brother Matthew and my sister Nancy had previously posted about how tough things were and how glad they were that things were looking up and that there was light at the end of the tunnel. There still is that light even though we’ve had this setback and that is because my father is the toughest guy I know and he’ll overcome this current road block just like he has with all the others.
As my brother said in his post, he felt fortunate that he had the opportunity to help Dad in ways he never imagined he would have to or that he even could do. He said that he surprised himself with what he was capable of. I’m not. With either him or me being at my fathers side 24/7 for the past 39 days I literally don’t know what I would have done if it wasn’t for Matt.
Throughout our lives my brother and I have both bucked heads and have been the closest of friends. For the past 30+ years we’ve probably BS’d at least 5 times a week and sometimes it’s 5 times a day. I can easily say that I love both my brother and my father and while certainly not selling my mother Fran or my sister Nancy short, there is a deep bond between us 3 “Fischermen” and I am proud to have Matt as both my brother and my friend.
As I said before, dad will overcome this roadblock just as he has all of the others. Hopefully we’ll still be on track to have him return home in the next week or so. He has been getting stronger every day so hopefully this is just a path with 2 steps forward and one step back and not 1 step forward and 2 steps back.
Thanks in advance for any positive thoughts or prayers sent his way.



Now onto my post:





I've posted this the last several years around this date because it just seemed like the right thing to do.  The cartoons, however, are all new.

Thomas Paine once said something like "Give me ambiguity or give me something else".  Do you think he was referring to the tax code?


I had written a post for today but my accountant screwed up & I had to send it in to the IRS.  This one was written by Dave Barry several years ago & it's still pretty funny:

"IT'S TAX TIME. I know this because I'm staring at documents that make no sense to me, no matter how many beers I drink.

Take, for example, my Keogh Plan. If you're wondering what a Keogh Plan is, the technical answer is: Beats me. All I know is, I have one, and the people who administer it are always sending me Important Tax Information. Here's the first sentence of their most recent letter, which I swear I am not making up:
"Dear David: The IRS has extended the deadline for the restatement of your plan to comply with GUST and various other amendments until, in most instances, September 30, 2003."

I understand everything in that sentence, up to "David." After that I am lost. Apparently I have until September 30 (in most instances) to get my plan -- no, sorry, the restatement of my plan -- to comply with something (but what?) called "GUST." And of course various other amendments. But how do I do this? And what if I don't?
The letter doesn't make this clear. It does, however, say this: "You must adopt EGTRRA prior to the end of the plan year beginning in 2002." I am, frankly, reluctant to adopt anything called "EGTRRA," which sounds like the name of a giant radioactive chicken that destroys Tokyo.
The thing is, this letter isn't from the Internal Revenue Service ("We're Working to Put You in Jail!"). It's from people on my side, people who sincerely want to tell me something, probably important, about GUST and EGTRRA. But I won't even try to finish their letter.
I'll put it, with all the other tax documents that I do not understand, in a folder marked "Taxes ," and I'll mail it to a guy I know named Evan. A few weeks later he'll mail me back a tax return that I will sign and send along to the IRS without reading any part of it, except where it says "SIGN HERE."

That's right: I have no idea what my tax return says, even though I'm legally responsible for it. I just have to hope that, when Evan prepares it, he's not in a prankish mood. IRS auditor: Mr. Barry, can you explain why, on Page 27 of your return, stapled to Form 4992, "Depreciation and Amortization," is the thymus gland of an otter? Me: That's not mine! IRS auditor: Also, on Page 23, you claim, as dependents, and I quote: "The Entire Cast of Buffy the Vampire Slayer."

I'm not the only taxpayer who has no idea what he's sending to the IRS. This year, only 28 percent of all Americans will prepare their own tax returns, according to a voice in my head that invents accurate-sounding statistics.  Why can't Americans do their own taxes? Because the federal tax code is out of control, that's why. It's gigantic and insanely complex, and it gets worse all the time. Nobody has ever read the whole thing. IRS workers are afraid to go into the same room with it. They keep it locked in the basement, and, once a day, they open the door, heave in a live taxpayer -- some poor slob who failed to adopt EGTRRA in time to comply with GUST (and various other amendments) then slam the door shut, before the screams start."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


You should never lie to the IRS.  That's why my occupation is listed as "Domestic Goddess".  (True!)


Some people say that everybody should pay their taxes with a smile. I tried it but they wanted cash.


A man wrote a letter to the IRS: “I have been unable to sleep knowing that I have cheated on my income tax. I understated my taxable income and have enclosed a check for $200.00. If I still can’t sleep, I will send the rest.”

"You know, we all hate paying taxes, but the truth of the matter is without our tax money, many politicians would not be able to afford prostitutes."
-Jimmy Kimmel


"Taxation with representation ain't so hot either."
-- Gerald Barzan

"It's income tax time again, Americans: time to gather up those receipts, get out those tax forms, sharpen up that pencil, and stab yourself in the aorta."
-- Dave Barry

"Our party has been accused of fooling the public by calling tax increases 'revenue enhancement'. Not so. No one was fooled."
-- J. Danforth Quayle, V.P.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man, called to testify at the IRS, asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper."

Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie."

Confused, the man went to his rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma. "Let me tell you a story," replied the rabbi. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. 'Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel.’”

The man protested, "What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?"

The rabbi said, "No matter what you wear, you're going to get screwed!!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear IRS, 

Enclosed is my Tax Return & payment. Please take note of the attached article from the USA Today newspaper. In the article, you will see that the Pentagon is paying $171.50 for hammers and NASA has paid $600.00 for a toilet seat. 

Please find enclosed four toilet seats (value $2,400) and six hammers (value $1,029). This brings my total payment to $3,429.00. Please note the overpayment of $22.00 and apply it to the "Presidential Election Fund," as noted on my return. 

Might I suggest that you send the above mentioned fund a "1.5 inch screw." (See attached article...HUD paid $22.00 for a 1.5 inch Phillips Head Screw.) 

It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year. I just saw an article about the Pentagon and "screwdrivers."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From my cousin Sid:

At the end of the tax year, the Revenue Canada office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital.

While the Revenue Canada agent was checking the books he turned to the CFO of the hospital and said, 

"I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?"

"Good question," noted the CFO. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every once in a while, they send us a free roll."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.  But on he went, in his obnoxious way. 

 "What about all these plaster purchases?  What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?"

"Ah, yes," replied the CFO, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question.

"We save it and send it back to the manufacturer and every so often they will send us a free bag of plaster."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all CFO.

"Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the remains from circumcision surgeries?"

“Here, too, we do not waste," answered the CFO. “What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the Revenue Canada office, and about once a year they send us a complete prick."



Some extra cartoons for you; you need them:


















The wages of sin are death, but by the time taxes are taken out, it's just sort of a tired feeling----fishducky

 




23 comments:

  1. These are strange days to us all --so much sadness and worry-- and your post reminds us that humor offers some relief. A brave post, for which I thank you.

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    1. I have no choice but to be brave, if I want to keep my sanity!!

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  2. I remember doing my own tax returns every year and my husband's too. Got a refund every single year for both of us. Then we divorced and I still got a refund every year but I have no idea what he did.

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  3. Hooray for the Fischermen (and women). Sending so many good thoughts to you all.

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  4. I’ll be glad when the hubby is back home and things get back to normal for you and your family. That Dave Berry column makes me howl every time.

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  5. Dear Fishducky, it's so good to have you back in form!

    You and Bud have done such a fine job in raising your children. Now that I've read what your two sons have said--so eloquently and lovingly--about Bud. I hope your daughter will write a post also.

    I also hope that you are taking care of yourself. Stress and worry can so impede one's recuperation. Peace.

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    1. She did!! Here it is:

      Many of you know that my father fell and broke his shoulder in early March and has been in the hospital with pneumonia for the last 3 weeks. He was moved to rehab Friday. Today was his birthday, and he was the best I have seen him since this saga began. He was able to get dressed, smiled, laughed, and had birthday cupcakes.

      I am so grateful to my brothers Blake and Matt Fischer, as they have done the lion's share of the work, staying overnight in the hospital and doing whatever was needed to keep my dad happy and as comfortable as possible. Here's hoping my dad can come home soon and things can get back to normal - whatever that is!

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    2. Dear Fishducky, thanks so much for sharing this with me. I must have missed it before. Such thoughtful children, but then look at their mother! Peace.

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  6. What a beautiful post by Blake! We can find strength we never knew we had for the people we love. I hope he is home again soon.

    Love Dave Barry and all the rest. I hope it is a really good week! :)

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  7. I so agree with Dee, your kids are wonderful and a reflection of you and Bud.

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    1. They're great, but I'm not sure if it's nature or nurture!!

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  8. Wow, Bud, you and family have really been put through the wringer. Sure hope he is home soon and feeling much better. Enough is enough.
    The taxes were funny and even more so since I am old, poor and no longer have to file. Phew, what a relief.

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    1. Are you saying being poor & old is a good thing?

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  9. Good stuff as always.

    Said a few prayers for Bud, couldn't hurt, I don't think I carry much influence, but I expect there are many others speaking for him also. Hope he is home and well soon.

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  10. Sounds like Bud is over the big hump. Hope he gets past this newest one in short time. I'm sure it's a relief for both of you, having your kids for support.

    I've found that it's much quicker to use TurboTax for doing my own return. It kind of translates that IRS language into English. Of course, it could be a dastardly plot by the IRS to bilk me of my fortune...

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  11. Mr. Fischer is in my prayers, and your funnies are the best!

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Your comments make my day, which shows you how boring my life has become.